Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Since Monday is President’s Day, I’m kind of wondering what Macs Lincoln and Washington would have used if they had lived long enough to see the age of technology.

A: What?

Q: Uh… well, you know… if Lincoln were alive today, would he use a PowerBook or an iMac or…

A: That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard!

Q: Well… I mean…

A: For starters, if Lincoln were alive today he’d be trying to claw his way out of his tomb in the Lincoln Memorial!

Q: His tomb in the… Lincoln Memorial…?

A: Or maybe you were thinking he was out walking around all this time, which could only mean that Lincoln was one of the undead, like a vampire. Are you saying the Great Emancipator was a vampire?!

Q: What?! No! No! You’re putting words into my mouth!

A: Well, look, I may not be a godless commie like some people so I may not go in for disparaging the memories of our two greatest presidents and spitting on them and kicking them with my pointy-toed shoes…

Q: I wasn’t trying to…

A: Ah-pup-pup-pup! Silence… commie. As I was saying, I don’t go in for those kinds of shenanigans, but if I had to guess, I’d say vampire Lincoln would have used a 14-inch iBook, large enough for a big guy like him but still sort of the “man of the people” laptop, and zombie Washington would have used a 12-inch PowerBook, which would have looked good tucked under his arm as he crossed the Delaware. And then proceeded to eat the brains of the British at Trenton, according to some!

Q: Oh, for god’s sake… I didn’t say that!

Q: Yeah, that last question got me thinking…

A: About other famous people and the kinds of Macs they’d use?

Q: No. About zombie and vampire presidents.

A: Ah.

Q: See, I think it would have totally rocked if Teddy Roosevelt had been a vampire with a soul and he had turned into a bat and flown to Berlin and drove a stake through Hitler’s heart! Yeah! Ha-ha! Wouldn’t that’ve rocked?

A: Uh… I think you mean Franklin Roosevelt.

Q: No, no, Teddy. Hitler just would have been younger.

A: Ooookay. But, then, are you thinking Hitler was a vampire?

Q: What? No. No. Roosevelt would have been the vampire.

A: Then why the stake through Hitler’s heart?

Q: I just think it’d be cool. Kind of… ironic.

A: That’s not ironic. Irony’d be if he got run over by a Panzer.

Q: No! Ironic from the vampire’s perspective!

A: No, no. You can’t inflict irony! It just has to happen to you!

Q: Oh. OK. Well… then let’s say Hitler was a vampire…

A: OK.

Q: I don’t really have a question…

A: So few ever really seem to…

Q: But I thought I’d just point out an interesting side note: Millard Fillmore actually was a vampire.

A: Wow! Really? Millard Fillmore, the 13th President of the United States?!

Q: Uh… well… no. Actually. Millard Fillmore, the guy who worked down at the all-night video place. Apparently he was dragging customers into Documentaries and eating them. They had to fire him.

A: Jeez, he worked there for about eight years, didn’t he?

Q: Yeah. Another two years and he would have gotten a sabbatical.

A: Yeaaaah… I remember they have a really nice compensation plan there. So what ever happened to Millard?

Q: Oh, he works nights at the mini donut place now.

A: Is he still killing people and drinking their blood?

Q: Hah! Oooh, yeah. You know Millard!

A: Yeah. He is so like that.

We’ll be off on Monday. Enjoy your weekend. Watch out for the mini donut guy.