Responding to recent speculation that CEO Steve Jobs might be ill, Apple announced today that the mercurial one is feeling just fine.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site reached Apple vice president of worldwide corporate communications Katie Cotton and got the skinny on Jobs’ health status.
CARS: Ms. Cotton, there’s been a lot of loose talk around the Mac community that Steve Jobs’ modest performance at last week’s WWDC keynote might mean that he’s not well. Apple today attempted to pour cold water that, but what can you tell us? Is Steve OK?
COTTON: OK? He’s better than OK. He’s a dynamic, forceful individual with the ability to drive his vision in a complex technological marketplace. He plays an integral role in management of Apple, Pixar and Disney itself, all while doing one-armed pushups. He bakes his own bread and makes his own blender mayonnaise. He is capable of sudden bursts of tremendous speed and can leap great distances in a single bound.
CARS: Oh. Wow. It sounds like Steve’s in peak condition.
COTTON: “Peak condition”? Feh. He more than peak. He’s hovering god-like hundreds of feet above the peak. Why, just the other day I saw him crush a Ford Fairlane with his bare hands.
CARS: What? He… you’re making that up.
COTTON: I am not. He is a mighty being, such as a titan. A giant among men.
CARS: Wait, why did he crush a Ford Fairlane?
COTTON: It was in his parking space.
CARS: Oh. Oh, my god, the driver wasn’t still in it, was he?
COTTON: No, no, no. Steve is a benevolent god. Quick to anger, but ultimately compassionate. Fiercely protective, but not vengeful.
CARS: He sounds complex.
COTTON: He is. He also likes to do sudoku!
CARS: Oh, wow! So do I!
COTTON: Mmm, yes, well, the ones Steve does are 3^100 cells across. So… it’s not really the same as the so-called “sudoku” you do, now, is it?
CARS: Uh… I… guess not. Um, I see that you’ve released Steve’s medical records as proof of his fitness.
COTTON: Yes. We understand that Steve is an iconic figure for Mac users and we want to assure them that he still rules their world supremely.
CARS: Ah. I’m sure that will be… quite… uh… quite…
COTTON: I think the word you’re looking for is “reassuring.”
CARS: Well, no, actually. I was looking for something more like “demeaning.” But let’s go through Steve’s medical report.
CARS: Now, you’ve listed his height as 8′ 3″.
CARS: Now, I’ve seen Steve and he is not 8 feet tall.
COTTON: Is so.
CARS: Is not.
COTTON: Is so.
CARS: [sigh] OK. Let’s move on. You’ve got his heart rate as 3 beats per minute. That seems a little low for a mammal.
COTTON: No. Steve has achieved a zen-like state of inner peace that allows him to lower the rate of all of his bodily functions. In this manner, he will live to be 500 years old.
CARS: As that’s just idle speculation, I’ll let that go.
COTTON: 500 years old. And by then he’ll be the size of a mighty oak, with massive arms that sweep all into his loving embrace.
CARS: Whatever. I just want to ask about one more thing. It says here that “when pricked for a blood sample, instead of blood a bright light spilled from Mr. Jobs’ skin that bathed all in the room in its warm, pure and somehow sexually fulfilling glow.” Now…
CARS: There’s nothing you’d like to correct or tone down about that?
COTTON: I believe that speaks for itself. Steve Jobs is the wellspring from which all life flows.
CARS: Well… thanks for your time, Ms. Cotton.
COTTON: Always a pleasure. We should have lunch.
CARS: Yeah, I don’t think so.