We’re going out.
In the comments, please tell us – in detail – what kind of features you’d have if you were an iPod killer.
Wireless?
Unlimited DRM-free downloads?
Hot lesbian action?
Bring it.
Month: August 2006
Apple Faces Legal Challenge Over "Pod" Trademark.
According to recent reports, Apple has been sending cease-and-desist orders to companies marketing products with names that include “pod”, claiming that they are infringing on the iPod trademark.
One group that has received such a notice has decided to fight Apple in court.
Representation for a group known only as “Pod Creatures From Beyond Our Galaxy” filed a counter-suit against Apple today, claiming prior trademark of the “pod” name.
“Our clients believe that it is Apple that has infringed on their trademark and not the other way around,” said Robert Carlson, chief counsel for the creatures.
“At least we think that’s what they believe. It’s kind of hard to tell as they just stand there pointing at you and shrieking.
“Depositions are really hard. But we will prove in a court of law that they have prior rights to the ‘pod’ trademark going back to their highly successful invasion of the Crab Nebula over 15,000 years ago.”
Apple contends that the aliens’ use of the term “pod” for the plant husks that consume humans and replace them with vegetable counterparts might confuse consumers.
Apple senior counsel Mark Aaker said “We don’t want people to think that we manufacture a ‘pod’ that takes a vibrant, engaged human and replaces him or her with a subservient lump of vegetable matter.”
Aaker paused to consider his words.
“Uh… let me put that another way…”
Carlson indicated that his clients said exactly the same thing, shortly before he was pulled under his desk by several large vines.
Apple Confirms Jobs Is In Fine Health.
Responding to recent speculation that CEO Steve Jobs might be ill, Apple announced today that the mercurial one is feeling just fine.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site reached Apple vice president of worldwide corporate communications Katie Cotton and got the skinny on Jobs’ health status.
CARS: Ms. Cotton, there’s been a lot of loose talk around the Mac community that Steve Jobs’ modest performance at last week’s WWDC keynote might mean that he’s not well. Apple today attempted to pour cold water that, but what can you tell us? Is Steve OK?
COTTON: OK? He’s better than OK. He’s a dynamic, forceful individual with the ability to drive his vision in a complex technological marketplace. He plays an integral role in management of Apple, Pixar and Disney itself, all while doing one-armed pushups. He bakes his own bread and makes his own blender mayonnaise. He is capable of sudden bursts of tremendous speed and can leap great distances in a single bound.
CARS: Oh. Wow. It sounds like Steve’s in peak condition.
COTTON: “Peak condition”? Feh. He more than peak. He’s hovering god-like hundreds of feet above the peak. Why, just the other day I saw him crush a Ford Fairlane with his bare hands.
CARS: What? He… you’re making that up.
COTTON: I am not. He is a mighty being, such as a titan. A giant among men.
CARS: Wait, why did he crush a Ford Fairlane?
COTTON: It was in his parking space.
CARS: Oh. Oh, my god, the driver wasn’t still in it, was he?
COTTON: No, no, no. Steve is a benevolent god. Quick to anger, but ultimately compassionate. Fiercely protective, but not vengeful.
CARS: He sounds complex.
COTTON: He is. He also likes to do sudoku!
CARS: Oh, wow! So do I!
COTTON: Mmm, yes, well, the ones Steve does are 3^100 cells across. So… it’s not really the same as the so-called “sudoku” you do, now, is it?
CARS: Uh… I… guess not. Um, I see that you’ve released Steve’s medical records as proof of his fitness.
COTTON: Yes. We understand that Steve is an iconic figure for Mac users and we want to assure them that he still rules their world supremely.
CARS: Ah. I’m sure that will be… quite… uh… quite…
COTTON: I think the word you’re looking for is “reassuring.”
CARS: Well, no, actually. I was looking for something more like “demeaning.” But let’s go through Steve’s medical report.
COTTON: OK.
CARS: Now, you’ve listed his height as 8′ 3″.
COTTON: Mmm-hmm.
CARS: Now, I’ve seen Steve and he is not 8 feet tall.
COTTON: Is so.
CARS: Is not.
COTTON: Is so.
CARS: [sigh] OK. Let’s move on. You’ve got his heart rate as 3 beats per minute. That seems a little low for a mammal.
COTTON: No. Steve has achieved a zen-like state of inner peace that allows him to lower the rate of all of his bodily functions. In this manner, he will live to be 500 years old.
CARS: As that’s just idle speculation, I’ll let that go.
COTTON: 500 years old. And by then he’ll be the size of a mighty oak, with massive arms that sweep all into his loving embrace.
CARS: Whatever. I just want to ask about one more thing. It says here that “when pricked for a blood sample, instead of blood a bright light spilled from Mr. Jobs’ skin that bathed all in the room in its warm, pure and somehow sexually fulfilling glow.” Now…
COTTON: What?
CARS: There’s nothing you’d like to correct or tone down about that?
COTTON: I believe that speaks for itself. Steve Jobs is the wellspring from which all life flows.
CARS: …
COTTON: What?!
CARS: Well… thanks for your time, Ms. Cotton.
COTTON: Always a pleasure. We should have lunch.
CARS: Yeah, I don’t think so.
Lackluster WWDC Keynote Explained.
Since last Monday’s WWDC keynote, Apple pundits have been falling over themselves attempting to explain what many felt was a lackluster performance by Apple and CEO Steve Jobs.
Some fear that the company has simply fallen behind the curve and that – contrary to Jobs’ protestation that he couldn’t reveal Leopard’s secrets because Microsoft was watching – Apple’s upcoming operating system simply doesn’t have any exciting secrets.
Others even believed that a poor keynote meant that Jobs might be sick.
But Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources close to the Apple CEO revealed over the weekend that the keynote was sub-par simply because Jobs had his period.
According to sources, Jobs was irritable the entire weekend before the keynote, threatening to fire even more people than usual. By Monday morning, Jobs was not feeling particularly “fresh.”
“I don’t want to speak for him,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “but I know that Steve was feeling bloated, crampy and, more importantly, not pretty.
“Several times he asked me if the black turtleneck and jeans he was wearing made his ass look big.”
According to Schiller, Jobs’ performance is predicated on his image of how others perceive him far more often than Apple followers might think.
“When Steve feels pretty, you get a good keynote. When he’s not feeling pretty, you don’t.
“Fortunately, he’s almost always feeling very, very pretty.”
Jobs declined to comment for this story, but did burst into tears as he ran away from reporters.
Nothing tonight.
Ironically enough, the Help Desk guy may have a bad memory module. It took a couple of attempts for it to get recognized when I installed it the other day and tonight the machine locked up when I was about half way through tonight’s post which I hadn’t saved.
Detail your bad memory experiences in the comments. It’ll be kind of a do-it-yourself Help Desk tonight.
To make it a 12-step Help Desk Program, you can take “bad memory experiences” however you want. Don’t feel limited to hardware issues, please go into that time you got pantsed by the seniors in gym class. Or the time you got dumped at the prom. Or the time you wrote that heartfelt note to the guy/girl you liked and he/she spent the next four weeks laughing hysterically every time he/she saw you.
For extra credit, you can guess which one of those actually happened to the Help Desk guy (yes, it was only one of those, thank you very much).