Month: September 2006

Vista Making Threats.

According to ZDNet, Cisco executives feel that Windows Vista is “scary”.

“Parts of Vista scare me,” [Cisco chief technology officer Bob] Gleichauf said at the Gartner Security Summit here on Monday.

Gleichauf said publicly that the yet-to-be-released Microsoft operating system may create just as many security issues as it solves, but sources indicate that Vista has also been threatening technology executives.

“Vista just barged in here the other day,” said a visibly shaken executive at a prominent database software company who declined to be identified for fear of reprisals. “It said ‘This is a nice place you got here. It’d be a shame if something were to happen to it.’

“Then it took a picture off the wall, smashed it over my laptop and said ‘Oops.'”

As a result the firm is expected to announce Vista compatibility next week.

Stories of the Microsoft operating system throwing its weight around have been making the rounds as criticism of the Vista delays and reduction in feature set have grown louder.

“Vista’s angry, man,” said a source who would only talk to Crazy Apple Rumors Site on the condition he be lit from behind. “I’m scrambling to make sure our hardware’s going to support it, but it’s a little hard when my fingers are broken, you know?”

Microsoft declined to comment for this story but did lower its sunglasses briefly to glare at reporters.

No Help Desk tonight.

Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.

And, I guess, so would Wozniak.

Which, I guess, would be sad and all.

But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.

Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.

Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.

With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.

As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.

We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.

Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.

…

Oh, for…

Oh, come on!

What is that?

Sheesh.

OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.

If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.

I mean…

C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!
We have other matters to attend to.

In the comments, help yourselves.

To… uh… some…

…pie?

CARS Announces the Tim Cook Project.

Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.

And, I guess, so would Wozniak.

Which, I guess, would be sad and all.

But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.

Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.

Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.

With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.

As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.

We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.

Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.

…

Oh, for…

Oh, come on!

What is that?

Sheesh.

OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.

If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.

I mean…

C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!

Apple Loses New iPod Shuffle.

Disappointing news from Apple today may have dire implications for the company’s first fiscal quarter.

According to sources, the company has lost the new iPod shuffle.

“This is very embarrassing, said director of iPod product marketing Stan Ng. “It was around here somewhere and now we can’t find it.

“It’s very small. It’s probably just under something.”

Ng has ransacked his office several times looking for the shuffle, but to no avail.

If Apple is unable to find the shuffle before its October release, it may seriously impact its iPod sales volume for the holiday season.

Several times over the course of a half hour, Ng asked coworkers to survey his body to make sure he hadn’t accidentally clipped it somewhere.

“It’s not on my ass, is it?” Ng asked a visibly uncomfortable administrative assistant. “Look at my ass. Is it on my ass?

“Loretta, c’mon! Look at my ass!”

Other sources believe it’s possible that Marsha in accounting used the entire 500,000 shuffle inventory to clip vendor invoices together before they were sent offsite for storage.

“No, I didn’t look at the clips I used,” Marsha said defensively. “I just do what I’m told. Hal says I gotta clip the invoices together, I clip them together.

“At the end of the day, Hal’s just asking me if I clipped the invoices together. He’s not asking me what kind of clips I used. Sheesh.”

Apple still expects the shuffle will turn up shortly and can’t believe it lost it.

Jobs Just Doesn't Care Anymore.

After today’s blockbuster Special Event – in which Apple announced movie downloads via iTunes, all-new iPods and, most importantly, a set-top box to be released in January – late-breaking news from Cupertino says that CEO Steve Jobs will hold another special event tomorrow.

And then another on Thursday.

And another on Friday.

In fact, Jobs apparently intends to hold a Special Event every day until he has revealed everything that Apple has up its sleeve.

According to sources, Jobs will reveal Apple’s plans for the following items over the next few days.

  • Wednesday – The iPhone and Apple’s new ringtones download service.
  • Thursday – The iTablet and Apple’s new service for downloading whatever kind of shit people look at on tablet PCs. Possibly some kind of industrial assembly line-management software. Who the hell knows.
  • Friday – A lightweight laptop that runs OS X “Lite” and Apple’s new service for downloading “lite” apps. Ha-ha-ha! Ahh… OS X “Lite”. Jason O’Grady, you crack me up.
  • Monday – Sexbots. Eeyup. Sexbots. No online service. But, you know, I don’t think anyone’s really going to be complaining about that.

Sources indicate that Jobs has grown tired of the cat and mouse game with rumor sites and is simply going to publicly announce everything from now on.

“Screw it,” Jobs said. “I work my ass off trying to make something nice for everyone and all the rumor sites do is piss all over it.

“Well, I’m done. You guys are the kings of everything. Knock yourselves out. iTV. iTablet. iPhone. Here you go. I put all the specs on my .Mac account.”

“Go on.”

“Go ahead.”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t.”

“Really.”

Apple, obviously, did not decline to comment for this story.