Microsoft Discontinues the Zune.

Just one day after its release, Microsoft announced today that it is discontinuing the Zune.

Product Manager Scott Erickson said “We gave it our best shot, but it’s become clear that the Zune has failed to gain a purchase in the marketplace.”

Erickson said that the negative reviews and user feedback and Zune reviews that turn into ads for the iPod were overwhelming, creating an insurmountable hill for the Zune to climb.

“People didn’t like the crashing – even with the pictures of chicks getting it on. People didn’t like the weight and the size. People didn’t like the color. People didn’t like the smell of it.”

Holding his Zune up to his face and sniffing it, Erickson muttered “What the hell is that?”

Leaning in, a project engineer said “Sweat socks, sir.”

“Ah. Right.”

Erickson said that the Zune’s termination is actually good news for music fans and fans of Microsoft.

“We heard you loud and clear,” Erickson said. “You said, ‘Fuck no, we don’t want a Zune.’

“Message received.

“That’s why I’m pleased to announce that Microsoft is already working on it’s true iPod killer which we expect to release some time next year.

“Or possibly the year after. But don’t buy any more iPods because you’re really going to want this. Whatever it turns out to be like. Still kicking around some ideas.”

One detail Erickson was able to reveal is that the upcoming “true” iPod killer will feature a totally new DRM system and that any users who have purchased music for the Zune are going to have to buy their tracks all over again.

Internet rumors said it will also allow beamed songs to last for four days or four plays instead of the current three and that it won’t smell like sweat socks as Microsoft recently filed a patent for “a small device that reeks of sauerkraut.”

39 thoughts on “Microsoft Discontinues the Zune.”

  1. Oh damn! I soooo wanted one. Looks like I will just have to use the crack I got from my dealer and pretend my iPod is a Zune. I even know a good way to make it even browner and smellier!

  2. Just watched the CNN video – brilliant! Quote “why don’t they just get some decent design people….”

  3. The problem was the lack of Ubuntu support. Zune. Ubuntu. Zubuntu. Ubzuntu. Ubuzunbuntuzunebunto.

    Third? I’ll believe it when I see it.

  4. I’ve been wanting to say this for a while, but had decided to wait until the Zune could flop on it’s own (lack of) merits.

    “The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste. They have absolutely no taste. And I don’t mean that in a small way, I mean that in a big way, in the sense that they don’t think of original ideas, and they don’t bring much culture into their products.”

    This is just as true today as it was when Steve Jobs first said it ten years ago. I guess Balmer is living proof that you can’t teach an old monkey new tricks.

  5. Everyone knows version 3.0 is when MS kicks in the juice.

    Juice in this case being a literal juice that one squirts while looking at error screens.

  6. Eight.

    And in related news, heroin and opiate deriviatives dealers have all seen a sharp decline in sells. Analysts believe that it segments of the population no longer feel compelled to be pharmaceutically incapacitated to make purchase of products that squirt.

  7. Out of curiousity I asked the manager of a Comp USA if the store had sold any Zunes. He said he didn’t think so. Maybe putting them on clearance will stoke sales.

    Meanwhile, people were camping out in front of the tech stores so they could buy the new game consoles on Friday. One guy camped out at Best Buy said he was first in line for the Apple Sexbot. When I asked him how long he’d been there, he held up three fingers.

  8. Breaking News: ‘Zune’ sounds as the Dutch word ‘Zoen’, that stands for ‘Kiss’. That Thought Alone Is Sooooo Gross. Wireless kissing… Unheard of, even in Holland! Why not grow brown tulips, of wireless drugs…

  9. ‘Just in!’
    Hackers mad about Zune discontinuing the Zune.
    Anonymous quote;
    We were just beta testing a really good Zune virus WTF!?!?
    I guess we will have to wait for the next i-Pod killer now, I’ll give Bill and his merry men a hint for the next device, skip the brown thing!
    And just call it ‘the Envy’! :o)

  10. We go one last time to our reporter on the street, Ahnyer Keester:

    I’ve returned to the Best Buy in Cary, North Carolina because John found my car keys and is holding them hostage. I’m speaking once again to Bill, the manager. Earlier I gave him a Jolt cola which seems to have shaken him out of his nostalgic mood.

    “So, Jim. Earlier you sold two Zune players. How do you feel about Microsoft’s recent announcement?”
    “What the hell is this going to do to my sales? I have comp targets I’m expected to meet!”
    “Jim, you sold two. That doesn’t appear as though it will have an impact on your sales compared to last year. Will Microsoft accept returned product for a refund?”
    “Two! And one was returned unopened. The smell came through the package!”
    Moments later.

    This is Ahnyer Keester outside Papa John’s bar in Cary, North Carolina. Zune sales here have not been good despite the porn and drugs. Can nothing move these iPod killers to do something that even remotely looks threatening to the iPod? In this reporters’ alcohol-lubricated mind, Microsoft made the right call in dropping this failed line of consumer electronics.

    I just remembered the answer to a trivia question from the electronic trivia machine in the bar. This is Ahnyer Keester, screwing off somewhere in North Carolina reporting for CARS.

    “It wasn’t Mariah Cary you guys! It was the 1989 Ford F150! Duh!”

  11. Bob the Wrecker… Ok, Zune sounds like zoen (kiss) in Dutch but what about our traditional candy product “Negro kisses” neger zoenen, renamed toe “kisses”. In the Dutch supermarkets we can buy a packets of Zune’s (zoenen/kisses).
    Well, what’s worse than one Zune…
    more Zune’s

  12. I would have thought this actual news had I not known better.

    I know Ahnyer Keester is lying.
    I doubt they sold 2.

  13. If I had a choice between someone giving me a Zune for Christmas or a fruitcake, I’d…tell them to forget it and buy me an iTunes gift card instead.

    Although the fruitcake did tempt me for a moment.

  14. How can they even think of competing with iPod with such useless folks up in redmond!
    We all know how badly they screw up with their software, and now they wanna stink the music player industry as well……..

  15. Ha Joe #2! If you doubt they sold two then you don’t know I’m lying! You simply doubt I’m telling the truth.

    Besides, one got returned unopened. Does that count?

  16. CNN Anchor: “Don’t you like my cute li’l iPod Shuffle? Watch as I clip it to my breast.”

    Me: Can’t do THAT with a Zune. And do you need help with that clip?

  17. I hear that the next version will be available in a color called “livid avocado,” and the error screens will feature snuff flicks.

  18. They are going to force people to buy a Zune with each copy of a Sony PS3 at Wal Mart. That should allow supplise to last through Christmas…


  19. What’s the difference between someone giving a Zune for Christmas and a fruitcake?
    (this is not the lead in to a joke)

  20. Wouldn’t the Microsoft Zune Team be a secret reunion of mole Apple designers to destroy Bill Gates ?

    No, doesn’t match.
    Or, that would be a Secret Apple Team that would have done MS2000, too.
    And XP.

    Who said Vista ?

  21. In a related development, Johathan Ive died after a fit of laughter that caused him to fall down and drown in a puddle of his own drool.

    If I had a Zune on my Ubuntu, would it be easier to remove it with Apple Cider Vinegar or 80-Grit carborundum?

  22. ” any users who have purchased music for the Zune are going to have to buy their tracks all over again.”
    Well, that’s two people who are going to be seriously pissed off.


  23. DISCONTINUED!! And just when the light was starting to appear at the end of the tunnel… said Mr Brown (manager of the Zune Store, Redmont)

    Mr Brown added: we had sold 100% of our stock… we were even considering ordering another one when we received these news… we could not believe it.

    The Zune Store is a reabilitation scheme’s shop for exemployees of a well known local IT company..

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