Month: March 2007
Alternate Universe Apple Subject To Different Kind Of Suits.
When thinking of Apple, followers of the company think of stunning hardware, ease of use, a mercurial CEO and many, many, many, many lawsuits.
But physicists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), have discovered an alternate universe where Apple is subject not to lawsuits, but pantsuits.
Dr. Ranjit Vij, chief of MIT’s Dimensional Research Program said “They’re all wearing them. Jobs, Schiller… uh… that other guy… with the weird Adam’s apple… Ricky? Scooter? Eh, I forget his name. But I’m telling you, it’s freaky.”
Vij said that the alternate universe Apple is exactly the same as this universe’s Apple, except for the pantsuits and the complete lack of any lawsuits.
“What’s really weird,” Vij said, “is that when they go home, the alternate universe Apple employees get out of their pantsuits and put on what they were in this universe. So, Steve puts on a black turtleneck and jeans, Schiller puts on a polo shirt and khakis, and… uh… and… well, that other guy puts on whatever he wears.”
Vij said that his program does not have the capability to view into the homes of Apple executives in this universe to provide a basis for comparison.
“But, c’mon. If that’s what they do in that universe, wouldn’t you think they do the opposite in this universe? You know… all go home and put pantsuits on?”
Vij speculated that if employees of this universe’s Apple are going home and putting on pantsuits, that they might be able to reverse the company’s fate as the target of lawsuits by reversing their wardrobe choices.
“Although, they may already know that and just think the public lawsuits are better than public pantsuits,” Vij said. “And who am I to argue with that?”
Apple TV Never Coming.
An uncharacteristically chastened Steve Jobs was forced to admit today that the Apple TV was, indeed, nothing but vaporware and will never be coming.
According to sources close to the usually mercurial Apple CEO, Apple TV is the product of his hyperactive imagination, invented of whole cloth and demoed through the use of smoke and mirrors (in several cases literally).
“Steve carved the demo units out of balsa wood,” senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller told Crazy Apple Rumors Site. “He spray-painted them in his garage and even pressed the Apple logo and letters on the units himself with a special Letraset sheet. He made the whole thing up.
“Didn’t you?!” Schiller loudly asked Jobs, who was standing meekly next to him. Jobs winced and shuffled uncomfortably.
“And he’s a very, very bad boy!” Schiller added. “Don’t you have something to say to everyone who ordered an Apple TV?”
“I’m sorry.” Jobs mumbled, looking down at his Nikes. “But…”
“Oh, don’t you ‘but’ me, young man!” Schiller said. “Or I will give you something to be sorry about!”
“I said I’m already sorry!” Jobs whined. “And, hey, I write your review!”
“Don’t you sass me!” Schiller responded. “Just you wait until the board gets home! No more options for you, mister! And don’t even think about using the Lear jet. You are grounded!”
“Oh, this is so bogus!” Jobs replied.
Schiller said the company just didn’t understand where it went wrong with Steve that he would attempt to sell a product that was clearly impossible to manufacture.
When told that there were actually several other products already on the market that, while lacking Apple’s signature ease-of-use, provide similar functionality, Schiller cut reporters off and suggested they “talk to the hand.”
Other than Schiller, Jobs, several other executives and a bunch of engineers and people in marketing, Apple declined to comment for this story.
Apple Releases 10.4.9.
Apple Issues iPod Warning.
Apple managed to keep its nose clean during last year’s exploding battery excitement as many manufacturers were affected. But it may not be so lucky if the most recent problem with exploding hardware becomes an issue.
According to reports on Macintouch and Apple’s discussion boards, an iPod can explode if a user puts too many songs on it.
“When we say a 30 GB iPod holds 7,500 songs,” said senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell, “We mean it holds 7,500 songs.
“Not 7,501. Or 7,550. Or 9,000.”
Suddenly serious, Fadell said “Please, for the love of god, don’t try to put 9,000 songs on a 30 GB iPod. Seriously. Don’t.”
Apple’s advised upper limit is apparently not restrictive. While iTunes will usually prevent a user from copying over the limit, in certain instances it will allow a user to copy more.
There is no way of knowing exactly how many songs you can safely put on your iPod, but a tell-tale sign of impending explosion is a noticeable bulging in the unit.
“If you see it bulging,” Fadell warned, “You’re going to want to put it down and, well, run.
“If you’re around some water, dump it in immediately. Or you can smother it with a pillow. Or a pet. This is no time to be sentimental. Then duck and cover. And if you catch on fire, drop and roll.”
Fadell admitted the company had not really worked out proper procedures for users who have put too many songs on their iPods but figured running and dropping and rolling couldn’t hurt.
Users are advised to gingerly pick up their iPod and gently scroll through to see how many songs they have on it.