Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Do you have any last-minute gift suggestions for the Mac-using members of my family? I’m having trouble thinking of what to get my brother.

A: A sweater.

Q: A sweater?

A: Yeah. Everybody needs a sweater.

Q: Um, yeah, well I was really thinking of something more Mac-related. You are an Apple-related help desk after all.

A: Maybe it could have an Apple logo on it.

Q: That’s not really doing it for me.

A: Oh, fine, princess. I see what your game is. Don’t get him something he wants, get him something that you want.

Q: I want what’s best for him and what’s best for him is to be able to enjoy a superior user experience. See, he’s… he’s… [sigh]… a Linux user.

A: OK, but, see, he’s not going to use OS X so what’s the point? Even if you buy him an 8-core Mac Pro, he’s going to junk it up by putting fricking Ubuntu or some shit on it.

Q: Don’t you think I know that?! Well, it doesn’t matter. I can’t afford to get him an 8-core Mac Pro anyway.

A: No, and Linux people don’t want that shit. Shit that’s all cool and shiny and shit. He wants a “challenge”. Give him a toaster and tell him it runs Windows Mobile. He’ll spend the rest of the year trying to install Debian on it.

Q: Hey, it’s the gift that keeps on giving! To me!

A: Which is what you wanted in the first place!

Q: Yay!

Q: Hey, I don’t have a question, but I just wanted tell you to have a merry Christmas.

A: Oh, well, thanks.

Q: A very merry Christmas.

A: That’s nice.

Q: Yeah. Let the yule be gay!

A: Are you… hitting on me?

Q: From OS X on, your restarts have been miles away!

A: Oh, no, no, no! No way. You’re not doing some fucking Apple-themed Christmas carol on my site!

Q: So, have yourself a Cupertino Christmas…

A: Really, I’d much rather you were hitting on me.

Q: Startup sounds ring! Are you list-ening!

A: I swear to god, I will beat you to death with Michael Spindler and whip your dead body with the cord of a hockey puck mouse.

Q: OK, I’m done.

Q: Hey, did you see this bullshit?

A: I did! What the hell? Who does that jackass think he is?

Q: I have no idea. You should read John Welch’s take. He rightly really ripped that Rixstep guy a new one.

A: I did read that and… Hey, wait a minute! You’re not a caller. You’re just me! This is just exposition!

Q: Ah, but isn’t that what Christmas is about? Exposition?

A: What?! No!

Q: Oh. Huh. Are you sure? There’s an awful lot of exposition in those holiday specials.

A: Fairly certain.

Q: OK, then maybe it’s just about making jackasses see the error in their ways. Like the Grinch.

A: Yeah! And Scrooge!

Q: And the magician in Frosty!

A: And that snow beast in Rudolph!

Q: And, uh, Jesus!

A: Um…

Q: OK, maybe less so that one.

A: What do you mean “less so”?! And why are we still talking?!

34 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. First post! Am I really one of the first to sing that Apple-themed Christmas carol to myself?

  2. I don’t post often, but I had to since I made top 7!! Woo hoo! Now I gotta go stop writing to myself… or calling myself… or something.

    A: No, I know I’m not funny, and I’m fine with that.
    Q: What do you think?
    A: What kind of loser wants associated with John Kerry? We’re talking Hillary/Obama this year!
    Q: So my handle should be Rodham?
    A: Or how ‘about that other one… Is it RuPaul? I don’t recall.

  3. Thank Godfrey it’s Friday.

    Night after night it’s the same thing: another robust article from Mr. Moltz or CARS staff. Why are they so potent lately? Are they sampling the rumor enhancement wares advertised in the spam? Are they eating right, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep? I can’t keep up–I need a break.

    Happy solstice!

  4. I think someone must have slipped something into Johnny Boy’s coffee…
    The posts have been quite good, albeit rather expositional, lately.

    Merry chicken to all and to all a good chicken. It’s in the fridge.

    no… next shelf down.

  5. Its quite true what you say Ace. John has been johnny on the spot lately. I don’t really post that often but I’ve been reading them for a long while, and it seems that the staff has a spring in their step. Or maybe its a limp. Or a swagger. Who knows…

  6. So I had never been to that rixstep site before. I was dissapointed. The site is so poorly organized that it took a while to even find this most current post. But yeah, what a douchy site. Sounds like rix is lonely.

  7. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

    Oh, no. Er…they changed the design.

    I’m dreaming of an anodized-aluminium-framed Christmas…

  8. All these Christmas Carols and holiday cheer just make me think of one thing…


    all the post Christmas tech support calls I’ll be getting from folks with their shiny new macintoshes that their cool next of kin just bought them for Christmas and their asking me where the Start menu is and how come they can’t launch Windows Explorer, etc…

    okay, it really isn’t their questions that bother me, it is all those new macintoshes they have when I’m still using my LC II.

    [Runs away sobbing]

    [Comes back]

    Can I have a Cinema Display, too?

  9. Totally missed the boat on this one. All I have to add is that in 1006, Mount Merapi erupted, covering Java with ash.

  10. Damn — Fake Steve claims Apple’s trying to shut him down, using a few of his old posts as “evidence” that he’s been receiving leaks from people under NDA’s. The problem is that one of those posts was from September 2006 (, where he predicted the iPhone would only have one button.

    Didn’t Moltz make the same prediction?

    Watch your back, John. The Mothership’s coming for you next.

  11. For all of you that celebrate a holiday about this time of year, cheers!

    And move your stupid tricycle out of my driveway!

  12. Happy friggin’ bankrupt season… Christmas… whatever it is. I’m off to play with my sons PS3. There’s leftovers in the fridge, so don’t expect me to post anything till next year.. at least.


    PD: And I still didn’t get a gorram iPhone. How lame is that? Santa, you suck! There, I said it…

  13. That’s nice. Here we are, freezing to death and streetrabbit from Christmas-on-the-beach-Australia, wishes us salivations. If you spit here, it freezes before it hits the ground.
    Bah! Humbug.
    Just wait till the next Test Series.

  14. Don’t sweat it Nxxx, he’s going to the bathroom on his daughter’s iPod. She’s going to kill him when she gets it back!

  15. Aren’t you guys going to talk about Apple’s movie rental deal with Fox???
    That can only be a great indicator of Apple’s next implementations:
    Pony rentals and pudding rentals!!!
    Man, I’m thrilled!!

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