Author: CARS Staff

Some Apple Execs Reap High Salaries.

Reports filed with the SEC show that several Apple executives pulled in salaries of over $1 million last year with the notable exception of CEO Steve Jobs who still makes only $1.

As CFO Peter Oppeneheimer and COO Tim Cook note, while the rich life does have its rewards, it’s not everything.

“As much as I love my boat, my genetically bred talking monkey and my diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Cook, “I’d give it all up for the richness of simply being Steve Jobs.

“I mean, have you seen Steve’s house? No, of course you haven’t. You’re no one. But I have. It’s serene. Beautiful. Immaculate. He lives a life of stately frugality. He eats only what he needs.”

“He breaths only what he needs,” Oppenheimer added.

“Right. I mean, how else could he survive on a salary of $1 a year?” Cook asked.

However, contrary to Cook and Oppenheimer’s supposed insights into Jobs’ monk-like lifestyle, other sources indicate that Jobs has actually supplemented his $1 income in the following ways.

  • Sold his comic book collection and used the proceeds to buy a case of Top Ramen and a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • When he returned to Apple in 1997, instead of spending his “mad money” for the year, he invested it in government bonds and turned $1,200 into an astounding $1,225.
  • Took a second job at the Cupertino Pizza Hut which is kind of humiliating but thanks to his Mercedes SL65 he’s able to maintain a perfect record of delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less.
  • Back in 1973, lifted a mess of quarters from his dad’s dresser. Found them in his pants pocket just last year.

Jobs declined to be interviewed for this story as he had to go meet with his guidance counselor, who thinks he could be applying himself better.

Apple's Record Results Result In Record Drop.

Apple posted record results today, as iPod sales continue to be strong and Mac sales experienced a virtual boom.

Naturally, the company’s stock fell dramatically on Wall Street in late trading, prompting a difficult admission from CFO Peter Oppenheimer over dinner tonight (yes, we frequently dine with Peter Oppenheimer – don’t you?).

“At this point,” Oppenheimer said in hushed tones, “I just don’t think there’s any way to salvage this relationship.”

According to Oppenheimer, Apple is considering divorce.

“Sometimes when you’re in a an abusive relationship,” Oppenheimer sobbed over a white Zinfandel, “you just get used to it.

“You think, maybe it’s me! Maybe it’s all my fault! Maybe they’d invest in me more if I weren’t so fat! I’ve suggested therapy but Wall Street just tells me to ‘shut up’ because it’s ‘watching the game’.”

For its part, Wall Street confirmed there were “issues” but placed the blame solely on Apple.

“The magic just isn’t there anymore,” Wall Street said. “When we met, Apple was… I dunno… sexy. The iPod! Oooh, the iPod! Now… eh.

“Maybe it’d be different if it dressed itself up in something pretty. Like a new iPhone or a tablet or something. You know, make an effort. But the MacBook Air? Too little too late, Apple.”

Apple followers were unable to fathom what, exactly, Oppenheimer could mean by “divorce”.

“What, they’d take the company private?” Macworld magazine’s Jason Snell wondered aloud. “I don’t think that would work.

“Wait, did you really have dinner with Peter Oppenheimer?”

Sure. Yeah. Of course we did.

At the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto, if you must know.

We split the tab, although he picked up the tip because he had dessert. And the wine.

Happens all the time.

IDG To Release Macworld Extended Edition.

Are you suffering Macworld Expo withdrawal? Are you still craving the constant inflow of a dozen podcasts and 10, 00 articles a day? Do you now pine for just one more glimpse of Chris Breen’s rich, luxuriant hair?

Well, your sleepless nights are over! Or, rather, just beginning anew again! Because Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that IDG (in association with Sessions Records) is releasing “Macworld Expo – The Extended DVD”, which will feature over 10,000 hours of unedited material, including presentations, articles, blog posts, podcasts, videos of podcasts, pictures of people doing podcasts and pictures of people walking around the Macworld Expo showroom floor looking for booth babes and wondering why there aren’t any booth babes.

According to sources at IDG, the 6-DVD set includes the following material:

  • Leo Laporte reads Tolstoy’s “War And Peace” – inserting “Steve Jobs” for “Pierre Bezukhov” – until he is unable to speak. He is carried on a bier from the podcasting stage by his adoring fans and lain in one of the Pzizz chairs until he recuperates.
  • 1 hour of a drunken CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz wandering around the Expo floor and asking people if they want to “see his iWang”.
  • A 1,000 page fictional account of Macworld Expo 2008 written by Dori Smith entitled “Harry Potter and the Schwag Bag of Moscone”.
  • Shocking footage of how Macworld’s Jason Snell, Philip Michaels and Dan Moren really spent their week: a cocaine-fueled blur of hookers and violence ending in a shootout with police (a PC World neighbor notes: “They seemed like such nice fellas. Quiet. Kept to themselves.”)
  • Glenn Fleishman’s 48,000-word essay on a whole bunch of wireless shit you won’t understand.
  • Video of Panic‘s Cabel Sasser sitting in his hotel room in his underwear watching “Adult Swim” while drinking a beer and eating expensive nuts, chips and chocolates from the mini-bar. Only after finishing the chocolates does he look at the prices and say “Eh, fuck it. I’ll just expense it.” Shortly after that he notices the video crew and chases them from the room.
  • Andy Ihnatko’s 5,000-image photo journal entitled “Upskirts of Macworld”.

IDG declined to comment officially, but when we called them their operators were standing by, thereby confirming the rumor.

Exclusive Phil Schiller Interview!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site had the chance to sit down with Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller and discuss the announcements at this year’s Macworld Expo keynote. Here’s the transcript.

——————

MOLTZ: Phil, thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. I’m sure you’re busy.

SCHILLER: Um, no, actually. Pretty quiet.

MOLTZ: Uh… oh. That’s… odd.

SCHILLER: Yeah. You’re right! That is odd!

MOLTZ: …

SCHILLER: [SUDDENLY LOOKING OVER FIRST ONE SHOULDER AND THEN THE NEXT] I think I may have lost my assistant.

MOLTZ: You should look into that.

SCHILLER: I should look into that!

MOLTZ: OK, but after the interview.

SCHILLER: OK. Fair enough. You did buy the Junior Mints.

MOLTZ: I actually bought those for myself, but… Well, it’s fine. So, Phil, let’s talk about the MacBook Air.

SCHILLER: John, this is a product we’re really excited about. We think this is a great laptop for people on the go.

MOLTZ: It sure looks like it, Phil. You know, looking at it, it looks a lot like the new iPod nano, how it’s super thin and has very tapered edges. It’s clear where the inspiration was.

SCHILLER: What? It doesn’t look anything like the nano.

MOLTZ: Well, uh, it does a little. I mean, c’mon.

SCHILLER: No. No, no, no. It’s totally different. That’s an iPod! This is a MacBook!

MOLTZ: Oh. Well… OK. Let’s talk about something else. Movie rentals.

SCHILLER: Yes! We’ve got all 11 studios and we’ll be launching with a 1,000 titles. Did you know we have every Charles Grodin movie?

MOLTZ: Uh, no. Is that, uh, good?

SCHILLER: Are you kidding? Charles Grodin?! The man is a comedic genius!

MOLTZ: Wasn’t he in those Beethoven movies?

SCHILLER: What?

MOLTZ: The ones with the St. Bernard. The kids movies.

SCHILLER: Maybe I’m thinking of Seth Rogen.

MOLTZ: Maybe you’re thinking of Beth Hogan.

SCHILLER: Who’s Beth Hogan?

MOLTZ: Someone I went to high school with.

SCHILLER: I don’t think that’s likely.

MOLTZ: She was hot.

SCHILLER: OK, that makes it slightly more likely but still really, really unlikely.

MOLTZ: So, OK, you’ve got “Knocked Up” then.

SCHILLER: Well, that’s a rather personal question! I think this interview is over!

MOLTZ: It certainly is.

SCHILLER: I have to go find my assistant anyway.

MOLTZ: Phil, always a pleasure.

SCHILLER: No, no. The pressure is mine.

MOLTZ: Uh, what?

SCHILLER: Pleasure. I meant “pleasure”.

MOLTZ: Hmm.

Travel Day And More.

Monday was a travel day so not much to report, but the word on the street here near the Moscone Center is that the thing in the air might actually be Apple’s fleet of attack helicopters. Or, possibly, hunks of flying metal as Apple’s elite squad of lesbian ninjas destroy the robot menace that plagues us all.

For sources are now telling us that Apple has broken free of the robot blockade and, indeed, we can see flashes of light in the sky to the south indicating that Macworld 2008 will take place tomorrow, validating not only the travel plans of several thousand Apple enthusiasts but also many parking vouchers at the Moscone Center.

While the keynote tomorrow will be embargoed from WiFi access, we’ll bring you a semi-live blog in the semi-nude shortly thereafter.

Apple declined to comment for this brief story but said some shit is too cool even for killer robots to hold back.

How true.