Category: Apple Executives

Concerned Apple employees report today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jonathan Rubinstein will not get off a coin-operated rocket ship ride outside of the Cupertino Safeway.

“Jon has a bag full of quarters and I think he means to go through them all, said a worried Apple staffer.

“Yee-hah!” yelled an exuberant Rubinstein, throwing his hands in the air while being rocked back and forth at an almost glacial pace by the ride. “Wee-hoo! Wha-ha! Yeah! Yeah!”

A group of Apple employees had gathered to witness the scene.

“Is it a call for help?” mused one engineer.

“He certainly does make it look fun,” observed another.

Several of Rubinstein’s peers soon arrived and attempted to talk down the man responsible for what is arguably the hottest product in Apple’s history.

“JON,” said Apple Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian through a megaphone, despite the fact he was standing just feet away from him.

“JON, THIS IS AVIE. I KNOW WE HAVEN’T ALWAYS SEEN EYE TO EYE ON EVERYTHING. LIKE COLD PASTA SALAD. I THINK IT’S STUPID. PASTA SHOULD BE HOT. YOU SEEM TO LIKE IT. I DON’T KNOW. IT’S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT DON’T SHOW UP ON STANDARDIZED PERSONALITY TESTS.

“BUT WE NEED TO PUT ALL THAT BEHIND US NOW, JON! YOU NEED TO COME DOWN FROM THERE AND START LIVING YOUR LIFE AGAIN! LIVE, JON! LI-”

“Give me that!” shouted an impatient Senior Vice President of Software Sina Tamaddon. “I’ll get him down.”

“JON… YOU COME DOWN FROM THAT SPACE SHIP RIGHT NOW! SOME OF REST OF US WANT A RIDE! YOU’RE BEING VERY SELFISH, JON! VEEEERY SELFISH!”

“You idiots!” snapped Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen, snatching the megaphone out of Tamaddon’s hand.

“JON… JON, COME DOWN. I’M A WOMAN WITH NEEDS, JON. AND FOR SOME REASON SEEING YOU ASTRIDE THAT ROCKET…”

“Oh, stop it,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, taking the megaphone from Heinen.

“JON… LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. HAVE YOU… SEEN MY LUNCH? IT WAS IN A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE EXECUTIVE REFRIGERATOR. IT SAID ‘PHIL’ ON IT.

“NO? OK. I… I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE…”

All entreaties to Rubinstein proved ineffective, however. As of late this afternoon, Rubinstein was reportedly still on the ride and showing no signs of losing interest in it.

More updates as this volatile situation develops.