iPhone Sales Stop. AT&T Exec On The Run.

According to sources at Apple and AT&T stores, all sales of the iPhone suddenly dried up this afternoon.

While sources could not state definitively why no one is buying iPhones all of a sudden, even as the holiday season gets into full swing, most speculated that the comments of AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson indicating that a faster phone would be coming “next year” probably didn’t help.

“Stephenson pretty much screwed the pooch on this one,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg. “I would be surprised if one of Steve Jobs’ elite lesbian ninja strike forces isn’t already on its way to ‘correct the mistake’, if you know what I mean.

“And by that I mean kill him. Possibly with piano wire. However, I understand that they are all well versed in the ancient Japanese art of Hashido, the method of killing someone with a chopstick. Usually they just jam one in the victim’s ear. Fast, efficient and deadly.”

This may explain why Stephenson was seen fleeing an area Apple Store having just purchased a pair of Bose noise-reducing headphones.

“And you can just bet those lesbian ninjas look so sexy doing it,” Mossberg added, his gaze wandering off to nowhere in particular.

“I’m sorry. What were we talking about? Oh. Stephenson. Yeah, he’s a dead man.”

According to sources who attended the meeting where Stephenson made his comments, not only did the AT&T executive indicate next year’s iPhone would be faster, he made several other claims about it.

  • Comes with a lifetime supply of chocolate pudding.
  • One word: lasers. And lots of them.
  • Allows phone calls to be carried over IP, Bonjour, EDGE, 3G, WiFi, Ethernet, Sneakernet, LocalTalk and an iPhone tied to a can with a piece of string.
  • Each iPhone 2.0 contains a shard of the Ark of the Covenant, protecting the owner from all evil.
  • Will also have copy/paste.

Stephenson was last seen driving through Santa Clara at a high rate of speed with several black helicopters with white Apple logos painted on the side in pursuit.

Apple Faces Two New Lawsuits.

Bad news for Apple today as the company has been made the target of two new lawsuits – one over restraint of trade and one over a product defect.

In the first, Apple has been sued by the creators of the Word-A-Day calendar series over the Word of the Day screen saver in Leopard.

“Apple has basically just driven us out of business, Artemus Johnson, president of the Word-A-Day Company said. “I have kids to feed. A mortgage. I actually have a Mac on lease! It’s not fair.

“No one’s going to buy those little tear-off calendars this Christmas! My wife is going to leave me! Aaaah!”

In a separate suit, Apple is being sued over the iPhone’s screen’s inability to stay free of finger blemishes. The primary plaintiff is one Smudgy McSmudgman, a Trenton, New Jersey businessman.

“According to my client,” said lawyer Greg Delacorte, “his iPhone is practically unreadable, as it is covered in a layer of crusty fingerprints.”

Delacorte did allow that McSmudgman does have particularly porous fingers and a penchant for eating sticky sweets while reading the Sunday newspaper.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” Delacorte said, “but the court documents are also a mess.”

“We’re confident that we will prevail in court,” said Apple general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Our sources indicate that McSmudgman is incapable of refraining from noisily eating fudge with his bare hands in the courtroom. That won’t look good in front of a jury.”

Apple stock went down, then up, then down and then up again on the news.

iPhone News Dominates the Day.

Shocking news came late this afternoon as – just hours after announcing a release date of October 26th – Apple announced that Leopard would be delayed again. According to the company, some late testing revealed that there were lingering performance issues on older Macs.

When asked which Macs were affected, head of Mac hardware engineering Peter Mehring said “Mostly Performas. For some reason it runs really slow on even a later Performa like a 6400. And that was a really nice machine. Despite what people said.”

Mehring said he thought it might be the Core Animation.

“Or, really, it could be an icon, actually. They’re a lot bigger than they used to be.”

Asked about the system requirements that state a G4 or higher is required, Mehring said “Oh, that? That’s wrong. I mean, why wouldn’t we get it working on as many machines as possible? Like the PowerBook 2400? Now that was a machine.”

Mehing thinks it will only take another 10, 14, 28 months to get one or two of the 300 Leopard technologies running on Performas.

“I’m sure everyone understands. Shouldn’t be long. Well, OK, kind of long. But, we’d hate to leave our Performa-using customers behind.

“Um… again.”
A huge news day today as CEO Steve Jobs announced that Apple would indeed be releasing an iPhone SDK as this site accurately reported was predicted last week.

Jobs said the development work would take some time as Apple was trying to come up with an effective way to skim a little off the top for Stevie ensure that the applications are secure.

Meanwhile, reports indicated that Apple would be selling an unlocked version of the iPhone in France, a surprising revelation considering the lengths the company has gone to to lock the phone to AT&T in the U.S.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has found another way to achieve its objectives. The unlocked version of the iPhone will cost 9, 000 Euros.

“There you go, you French whiners,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “Happy fricking Bastille Day.”

Jobs seemed uninterested to learn that Bastille Day is actually in July, but added “I got your unlocked iPhone… right… here.”

And then he grabbed a part of his body where it was unlikely there was actually an unlocked iPhone, unless Apple will be releasing iPhone crotch holsters any time in the near future.

Jobs further added that French people could “mange” his “big, crusty baguette.”

“And by that I mean my junk,” Jobs concluded.

The French government declined to comment for this story.


California resident Timothy Smith has filed a lawsuit over Apple’s bricking of the iPhone, a move that lends credence to a recently published series of how-to books.

As Daring Fireball correctly noted, Smith is one of the first to purchase both of Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz’s new books, Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies.

Smith is, obviously, a highly satisfied customer and offered this testimonial.

Hmm. That’s not it. That’s a chicken.

Oh, wait, here it is.

Ah, crap, that’s not it either.


Oh, wait, actually that is it.

Huh. That’s weird.

Still, you can tell how satisfied he is.

That’s because he’s followed the Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and the Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies 12-step programs for releasing your inner jackass and being all the douche you can be. The programs clearly work, just look at Timothy Smith.

Well, OK, he hasn’t made any money off Apple yet. But at least the first few steps work.


Read the books!

They should be on Amazon any minute now.


There’s obviously a market.