Category: Macs

Disturbing reports are coming in from Apple customers who have just purchased the recently released 17-inch MacBook Pro. According to these sources, the new laptop is just as stupid big as the 17-inch PowerBook it’s replacing.

“Apple simply has not corrected the overt stupid bigness of the 17-inch form factor, said Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell. “These laptops are so big as to be effectively unusable. It’s like someone threw up aluminum all over your desk. It’s ridiculous.”

Some sources had indicated that Apple was working on a technology that would have obviated the need to obey the Pythagorean theorem, allowing the company to pack a 17-inch diagonal screen into a 7 X 9-inch laptop on the MacBook Pro line. Apparently, that technology has not come to fruition.

“It’s troublesome that Apple let its customers down like this,” said former San Jose Mercury News columnist and noted Mac user Dan Gillmor. “We expect more from Apple than whining about the laws of mathematics.

“As it is, only the people who currently own 17-inch PowerBooks are going to want to use the 17-inch MacBook Pro,” said Gillmor. “And, sure, the people who were specifically waiting for Intel-based 17-inch Mac laptops. And maybe a couple of hundred thousand other people.

“But, for those of you who haven’t had a chance to lay hands on one of these things, let me just tell you, it is some kinda stupid big.”

According to sources, the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big that it can be easily bent by putting one end into a pair of vice grips and pulling very hard on the other end.

“I bet you can’t do that with a 12-inch iBook,” Snell said.

“Mostly because it’s plastic and it’d probably just snap like a stale cracker. But, still, shouldn’t we as Mac users be able to put our laptops into vice grips and attempt to bend them to no avail?

“I dunno. Maybe it’s just me.”

Apple failed to return numerous inquiries asking why the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big.

After last week’s blockbuster announcement that Apple would support dual-booting of Intel-based Macs into Windows, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company does not intend to stop there.

According to sources, Apple’s new policy will be that Mac owners are free to use whatever sucky-assed operating system they feel like, including:

• Windows
• Linux
• OS 9
• Be
• OS 2
• DOS
• Whatever they use to run voting machines*
• The Slavi OS, an operating system themed after popular Bulgarian entertainer Slavi.
• He’s sort of like a Bulgarian Ed Sullivan.

In fact, the only operating system the company won’t allow users to run is the AmigaOS because it’s so fricking boss.

“Pardon the pun,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “but if you want to poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick, it’s no skin off my apple.”

Some believe that Apple is simply supremely confident that its OS is so superior that users will quickly learn who is, in fact, their daddy.

“Apple provides the best user environment available,” said Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet. “There’s really no reason to use anything else.

“But if you want to run Windows CE on your Mac mini and rub broken glass in your eyes and shove ticks in your ears while putting chili oil in that paper cut…

“Hey, knock yourself out.”

* Turns out that’s Windows again.

A disturbing report was released today by computer security research firm Computer Security Research Inc. indicating that – despite the belief held by most Mac users that their computers are nigh invulnerable – Macs are just as likely to suffer wolverine attack as computers running Windows.

“This is very disappointing to me as a technology professional and as a Mac user, Hol-y crap!” he exclaimed. Turning to the door to a back room, Marteau shouted “Henri! Nous avons besoin d’un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents!”

“Aw! Merde!” a voice – presumably that of Henri – replied. “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose!”

A five minute rapid-fire argument ensued in French that Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were unable to transcribe, but which left a chastened Henri to the task of constructing un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents.

Until adequate protection can be devised, Apple is advising users to keep their Macs away from arctic regions were the wolverine is primarily found.

After Apple’s announcement that the MacBook Pro would ship with faster than expected processors, few Mac users expected that Intel-based Macs would hold other surprises.

But Mac user Alton Brown of the Food Network’s Good Eats has discovered that – in a treat that all Mac users will enjoy – all Intel-based Macs make their own gravy.

Brown first made this discovery last week after receiving delivery of a brand new 1.66 GHz Intel Core Duo Mac mini.

“Previous Mac I’ve owned have all made juices of various kinds,” Brown said. “I had a lime iBook, for example, that made lime aid. It was delicious. Particularly in the summer. Very refreshing.

“Anyway, I had a pan going and I had the Mac mini sitting there and… I dunno. I was just curious.”

“I was also completely soused on cooking sherry. Whew! Man, was I drunk.”

Brown discovered that, when mixed with cream and flour, the dripping from a heated 1.66 GHz Intel Core Duo Mac mini will create a rich gravy suitable for any festive occasion. Brown has also subsequently tested a MacBook Pro and an iMac.

Asked what the Macs he’s tested taste like, Brown indicated that the Mac mini gravy tastes like beef gravy, while both the MacBook Pro and iMac taste like chicken gravy.

“I don’t know why that is,” Brown said quizzically, taking another sip from the pan his mini was sitting in. “Maybe it’s the GMA graphics card…”

Apple declined to comment, but in what may be an unrelated incident, the entire Cupertino campus smelled like bacon today.

After published reports of problems with Intel-based Macs, Apple was forced to concede today that the entire switch has been an abject failure.

“Clearly because of these issues, the switch to Intel has been an unmitigated disaster,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

“We advise customers who have purchase an Intel-based Mac to stampede in an unorderly fashion to the nearest Apple Store – waving their hands over their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs – to get a PowerPC-based Mac.

“If you must step on the backs of elderly people who have fallen down in front of you,” Jobs continued, “please do not hesitate to do so. The stability of your computing experience should not be held hostage by the old or infirm.”

There has been some speculation that Apple would further ask users to switch back to OS 9 in order to insure that they do not suffer from either the recently released Oompa-Loompa Trojan or the Safari shell script execution exploit.

While not necessarily representative of the views of Apple Computer as a company, some advocated going even further.

“Your best bet is an SE/30 running System 6.0.8,” said Peter Mehring, head of Apple hardware engineering. “That’s a rock-solid computing environment. The SE/30… now that was a machine. That’s what I use.

“People these days go on and on about ‘protected memory’ and ‘multitasking’ and… um… ‘hot swappable drive bays’… which sounds vaguely dirty to me. ‘Hot swappable.’ Disgusting.

“Really, we should have stopped making computers in 1989. That’s why I, personally, haven’t done a serious day’s work since then.”

Apple is feverishly trying to find a vendor to crank out PowerPC chips and reportedly has settled on a couple of guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press.