Category: Miscellaneous

After yet another Greenpeace report complaining about Apple’s environmental record, sources indicate that the company is now just screwing with the international non-profit agency.

As Greenpeace chastised Apple for using toxic chemicals in the iPhone, there were indications that that wasn’t all they might find in its products.

“Yeah, I think we stuck a baby seal in the Mac Pro,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “And there may be some rhino in the iMac. Just a little. Near the USB ports.”

Despite being a vegetarian, Jobs seemed exceedingly gleeful at having further antagonized an organization that has been a thorn in his side. Jobs’ glee was shared by other Apple executives.

“Whatever you do, don’t look in the iPod classic!” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Ha-ha! Whew! ‘Cause… ha-ha! Yeow.

“It’s um, panda. Eeyup. Turns out panda is a really good conductor. Who knew? Also looks pretty. Not like marine turtle, though. That is… mmmmmwah!”

Shaking his head, Schiller said ruefully “Wish we could get some more marine turtle. Damn.”

Apple products also reportedly include mountain gorilla, whale, dolphin and African elephant.

Other than all the executives, Apple declined to comment for this story, other than to say for the record that it was just screwing around and there really weren’t any animal parts in its products.

Other than iLife. Which has spotted owl.

Apple was sued today by a monkey riding a unicycle. The suit asks for damages related to “restraint of monkey business”.

Apple declined to comment. The monkey hooted incessantly while flinging its own poo and then retired its cage to smoke a cigarette.

Reports surfaced today indicating that Apple was set to bid for a portion of the wireless spectrum, opening up vast possibilities for the company in the cell phone and entertainment fields.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that while Apple is mildly interested in the wireless spectrum, it also has its eyes set on a bigger prize.

According to sources in the field of quantum mechanics who declined to be identified out of fear of reprisals that could affect their very existence, Apple is planning to bid on a vast portion of reality. No longer content with simply distorting reality, Apple CEO Steve Jobs will lease it from the Throngdarian Serium, the extra-dimensional pulsating brains in a vat of fluid that manage realities.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “This means that instead of temporarily distorting reality by using the device he, uh, appropriated from Woz years ago, Steve will be able to change it completely. Instead of customers thinking iPod socks or the Dalmatian iMac are cute for just the 15 minutes that it takes to complete the purchase, they will actually be cute from the dawn of time to the end of the universe.

“But don’t worry. We totally won’t use this power for evil. Well, unless you consider our continued accumulation of personal wealth and increasing power and unchecked influence to be evil. And, uh, if you do… well… too bad.”

It’s unknown exactly why the Throngdarian Serium are interested in leasing portions of reality for material currency, but it’s thought that they just think it’s funny.

“They particularly like the little pictures of the presidents,” a source said. “And, of course, that creepy pyramid and eye thingy.”

If Apple is successful in its bid, it will need to install several Tesla devices that shoot electricity from giant glowing orbs. Sources indicate this is what Apple is constructing in preparation on its new Cupertino campus.

That and a duck pond. Because Jobs likes ducks.

Jeff Hawkins, co-founder and former head of Palm, revealed today that he is the love child of Marcel Duchamp, the late Dadaist and Surrealist. As startling as this news was to the technology industry, it did serve to explain the Foleo, which was canceled by Palm today.

Attempting to show the futility of modern electronics, Hawkins provided Palm with the Foleo, an obvious ready-made fabrication that any reasonable person would have immediately detected was a piece of performance art.

“Reporters kept asking me questions about it,” Hawkins said, “But they never penetrated beyond the mere futility of the device into the deeper artistic meaning.”

Hawkins’ father was one of the most prominent members of a loosely knit federation of Dada artists. And like his father, Hawkins said, no one understands his work either.

“How could you people not get this?” Hawkins asked. “I mean, look at that thing. It doesn’t make any sense. A laptop that’s a slave to a cell phone? It’s absurd.

“Absurd… ist.”

Despite the bad news for Palm, current CEO Ed Colligan applauded Hawkin’s oeuvre.

“Bravo, Jeff,” Colligan said, rising from his Aeron chair and clapping. “Bra. Vo.”

This could prove problematic for Apple, however, as sources indicated that the entirety of tomorrow’s special event announcements were not going to be iPod-related but instead centered around the Foleo.

“What the hell?!” said an exasperated Stan Ng. “I mean, clearly the Foleo’s smart-phone-centric approach makes the most sense! That’s why we based our entire iPhone and iPod strategy around it.

“Well, we were going to, anyway. Now I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do.”

Ng sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“Well, looks like I’m pulling another nighter.”

Palm will take a $10 million earnings write-down and Apple will somehow manage to pull something boss together by 10:00 AM PST tomorrow morning that will redefine one industry or another.

“It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had to do this,” Ng said.

Seattle police have two suspects in their sights for the break-in Wednesday morning at an Apple Store in Seattle at the company’s University Village branch: Rob Enderle and George Ou.

The soi-disant analyst and security expert were spotted on University Way North – known as “The Ave” – just a couple miles from the mall, near the usual assortment of street kids and homeless people, hawking Apple laptops out of a canvas bag.

“Five dollah, five dollah, five dollah,” Ou was heard to call.

When police approached the pair, they stuffed the computers back in the bag, and ran off surprisingly fast, eluding arrest. “We know what they look like,” Seattle Police spokesperson Marcia Graystone said. “For some inexplicable reason, their pictures are already all over the Web. Apple has also agreed to loan us several black helicopters with white Apple logos to continue the search.”

While the motivation for the theft are unclear, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber said that he suspected Ou and Enderle were trying to create a lower-priced secondary market for Macs to drag Apple’s stock down.

“They might also have been aiming for iPhones, but didn’t recognize the boxes, having never seen or touched an iPhone, much like fairy hunters never having seen a fairy,” Gruber said.

“Also, they are both enormous dicks, and anything they do must be seen in that light.”

Matt Deatherage of MDJ, a frequently published analytical journal, added that Ou and Enderle might have been trying to suggest that Apple products were insecure, and had become confused about the difference between system security and physical security of an Apple Store.

“They’re so totally uninformed about the Mac and iPhone platforms that this kind of mistake was inevitable,” Deatherage noted.

Seattle Police expect that Ou and Enderle will next hit the What The Fuck Mac Store located near the site of their attempted computer resale.

Apple stock was up $1.23 on the news and the company said all laptop owners whose computers were stolen by Ou and Enderle will receive either a free pony or an evil goat – their choice.