New Patent Filing Highly Revealing.

The Apple community is abuzz with news of a fascinating patent application the company filed for a laptop docking station which includes some extremely interesting concept drawings.

Whether this concept will ever reach production or not, there is one thing these drawings make clear: Apple is hiring seizure-prone elderly shut-ins to draw its patent art.

While declining to speak about the patent itself, Apple did admit that it was part of a California state program that finds employment for seniors.

“This is a fabulous program and we’re proud to be a part of it, said CEO Steve Jobs, who spoke to us by phone because of the robot blockade of One Infinite Loop.

“The single biggest benefit to us is that no one believes a word the elderly say,” Jobs said.

“Whether it’s ‘I fought the Kaiser, you know!’ or ‘Many a gentleman caller I had in my day!’ or ‘Apple’s working on an ultra-light laptop that docks into an iMac!’, their care-givers are just going to nod, roll their eyes and keep trying to shove Jell-O into their mouths.”

Jobs went on to note that when you add in the fact that their children never come to visit them and they’ll soon be dead, Apple’s secrets have never been safer.

“The Egyptians used to blind those who saw their designs. This is the next best thing. Actually, it may be better.”

In unrelated news, the AARP initiated a lawsuit against Apple today.

It really is unrelated. They think the scroll wheel on the nano is too “dag burned” small.

Macworld Canceled.

This is just coming off the wire and has forced us to shelve a detailed exposé on Chris Breen’s hair, but the staff Crazy Apple Rumors Site wanted to get it out as soon as possible so everyone would know that…

MACWORLD HAS BEEN CANCELED.

That’s right. Canceled. We know it’s disappointing but…

There it is.

Let’s all try to be grownups about it.

The reason, according to Apple, is that the announcement of the new Mac Pro and the new Xserve was a mistake.

“Yeah, Larry did that,” said an apologetic chief operating officer Tim Cook. “I told him about fifty times that it was next Tuesday but Larry is, well, Larry. Juice Box Larry we call him.

“Anyway, the Mac Pro and the Xserve are all we had, so… no Macworld. Sorry!”

But Apple is not, apparently, the only reason Macworld has been canceled. A quick check of recent press releases reveals the following:

  • San Francisco hookers announced they were raising their hourly rates for the whole week because “the damn Mac geeks just want to talk and won’t get down to brass tacks”.
  • The highly popular “Shower with Adam Engst at the Mosser” event has been canceled as Adam has come down with a bad case of athlete’s foot. Our best wishes to Adam for a speedy recovery.
  • Someone saw Rob Enderle in the vicinity of the Moscone Center.

Cook said that Steve Jobs would make it up to us by taking us all out for ice cream later in the year.

New Board Member Signals Bold New Direction For Apple.

Apple announced today that Avon CEO Andrea Jung would be joining the company’s board as its 8th member and only woman. The move signaled a bold new direction for Apple that is expected to further boost Mac sales and market share.

According to Apple, Jung will help the company implement a new sales channel consisting of licensed representatives who will go door-to-door selling Macs, iPods and iPhones.

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “They’ll also harass the hell out of co-workers by circulating catalogs in the office with passive-aggressive notes and exhorting them to buy something and alienate their friends by throwing “Apple parties” where the pressure to buy something will be incredible!”

“It’s going to be great!”

“Steve was initially excited about the thought of giving away a pink Cadillac to Apple representatives, Schiller said. “He was pretty disappointed when I had to tell him that was Mary Kay, not Avon.”

Already people are lining up to become Apple representatives.

Lesa King, well-known as the talent behind David Pogue and the substantially better half of the host of Your Mac Life, said “I looked over their pamphlet and I’m going to sign up.

“If I sell 15 iMacs, I get a percentage of each one and a free iPhone. I mean, I don’t need an iPhone because I already have two, but at least it’s better than Pogue’s incentive plan which is ‘your incentive is that I don’t fire your ass’.

“Seriously. That’s what my employment contract says.”

Announcing Jung’s appointment, CEO Steve Jobs said that Jung would also help bring a positive new demographic to the Mac: fabulous babes.

“Look at our current demographic: pimply, awkward geeks who live in their parents’ basement. We’re going to change that. Sure, many of these babes are trashy MILFs…

“But, hey, trashy MILFs. Am I right? Sure I am.”

No one seemed sure when Jung was going to start, but for some reason you can sign up to be an Apple representative right now.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: You’ve got questions about the Cyber Apocalypse, we’ve got answers!
________________

Q: I understand there’s this big showdown going on between Apple and vast hordes of killer robots which, I understand, are powered by Windows Mobile.

A: You’re more educated than most people, sir.

Q: And I know that these foul behemoths are bent on destroying Apple because, more than any other company, Apple makes technology work for humans, not the other way around.

A: You got that right.

Q: Further, from my close following of your fine site, I have learned that things have escalated to the point where the robots have the Apple campus surrounded, putting Macworld Expo in jeopardy.

A: Sing it.

Q: But what I don’t get is why I haven’t seen any signs of all these robot battles that are supposedly raging about me. What gives?

A: Well, think about it. If robots were going to annihilate the human race and set up their insidious New Robot Order, don’t you think they’d want people to think nothing was going on?

Q: Uh, well, I guess so. But…

A: Of course they would! Now, if you look closely, you can see the sure signs of a fever-pitched battle for the fate of civilization as we know it.

Q: Like what?

A: Well, if there were no Cyber Apocalypse raging between man and machine, would people feel the need to torture captured Pleos to try to extract information?

Q: That’s just weird.

A: Don’t deny the truth that’s all around you!

Q: Oh, the hell with it. There’s nothing good on TV because of the writer’s strike so the Cyber Apocalypse is all I’ve got.

A: Hmm. Well… I guess I’ll take that.
________________

Q: Cyber Apocalypse? This is stupid. And you’re stupid. And your mother dresses you like a retard.

A: Oh, well, fine. It makes me no never mind. When their vicious metal pincers are pulling you apart like fresh bread, don’t come crying to me. And, I’m sorry, do these “retards“, as you so eloquently put it, shop at Sears?! I think not!
________________

Q: OK, so what’s the deal? Do I need to do something? Am I supposed to make a contribution? Reboot? What?

A: No, no, no. It’s gone far beyond that. It’s up to Apple now. Apple will need to break the blockade and destroy the Central Plexor.

Q: Oh.

A: Eeyup.

Q: OK.

A: Um, aren’t you going to ask me what the Central Plexor is?

Q: [sigh] Do I have to?

A: Well, let’s just do this and wrap it up, OK?

Q: OK. What’s the Central Plexor?

A: The Central Plexor is the robots’ main central hub. It connects all the robots together so they can carry out their evil plot.

Q: Oh. So it’s like Skynet.

A: What?! No, no, it’s nothing like Skynet.

Q: Oh. Then it’s like Colossus, the Forbin Project.

A: No! Look, um, no. The point is, uh, just that if they destroy the Central Plexor, the robots will go back to being dumb hunks of metal.

Q: So, OK, William Gibson, where’s the Central Plexor?

A: Inside the lead robot.

Q: The lead robot.

A: Yeah.

Q: OK.

A: His name’s Kent.

Q: Oh, fer… Are you even trying anymore?