13 Jul 04Apple Working On Bupkus.


According to highly placed sources at Apple, the company is current working on absolutely nothing. The wells of creativity have been completely tapped at Cupertino.

“We got nada,” one source said. “Zip. Zilch. The big goose egg. The null set. Our product development cycle is so empty, you can hear the roar of the ocean from it. If it were a Zen koan, the answer would be mu.

“Uh… because… mu means nothingness.”

Unless someone comes up with something fast, sources said, Apple followers should expect pretty much diddly after the September iMacs are released.

“It’s not that we don’t have any ideas,” the source explained, “It’s that we don’t have any good or new ones. This isn’t as easy as it looks.

“I thought I came up with something a few weeks ago, and then I realized we already had laptops. This other guy sent out an email to the entire senior executive group talking about how we should add a storage device to every Mac that would burn data to plastic disks with a laser.

“He’s… um… not with us anymore.”

A recent product development brainstorming session reportedly consisted of two hours of uncomfortable silence broken only by the occasional cough followed by “What?” and then “I didn’t say anything.” and finally “Oh, I thought you said something.”

According to the source, good ideas are in such short supply that at one point “We were gonna just add a clock to the Airport base station.”

Sighing heavily the source added “But… then we thought… naaaaahhh…

Often considered a source of perhaps too many good ideas, this creative drought is striking and disturbing.

“If Apple cannot turn this around,” said The New York Times’ David Pogue, “I’m just going to have to send them my idea.”

Pogue would not provide details, but did say it involved highly stacked sandwiches and Airport Extreme.

“Mmm?!” Pogue said, raising his eyebrows and smiling wryly. “Mmm?! Uh-huh!”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did ask if we had any suggestions.

No Responses to “Apple Working On Bupkus.”

  1. firepixx says:

    WOO HOO!

    First time long time first post!

  2. Thotiel says:

    I’ll claim third post ahead of time.

  3. Thotiel says:

    ThirdPost!

  4. Garnack says:

    Well I’ve got a great idea for Apple that involves Airport and sweet pickle relish, but they wouldn’t pay my asking price. I think I’ll try selling it to Dell next. It might kill airport base station sales if Dell follows through,but I did give Apple first chance.

    I thought just one sexbot, even a beta model, would be a fair price for this great idea, but Steve said “No way Jose’!”. Now first, my name isn’t Jose’. Second, I was willing to accept one of the beta models. You know the ones who’s fans would suddenly go to full speed making it almost impossible to hear the moaning and orgasm. But no deal.

    Oh well, Michael says that Dell came up with the sexbot idea first anyways. They’re just trying to get the costs down before announcing to the general public. They ran into a production snag when they found out that inflatable had already been done. He’s interested in my idea, but I’m holding out until I see one before agreeing to the deal.

  5. bear says:

    I REALLY like Clausen’s pickle relish!

  6. I bet they haven’t tried burn data to plastic disks with a laser… attached to a shark!

    Now that, my friends, is innovation.

  7. Huck says:

    I think the shark lasers should burn the data on to the people mwaha.

    …mwahaha.

    MwahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    …mwahhhh…

  8. Michael Dell says:

    Jeez, why doesn’t Apple do what everyone else does and rip-off Mac ideas on the cheap ?

    Oh….

    Never mind.

  9. Ozi says:

    The last two weeks have been great. I have been laughing until puke came out my nose. VERY funny stuff, moltzi! 😀

    I think Glarku should be brought back, and he could add his experience in “soul discplacement” to creat the next generation of wireless data transfer. 802.11glarku.

    Its got a ring to it, I think.

  10. UhhhDude says:

    What, no color eMate in development? With a G5, an Überdrive, camera phone, and 6GB flash memory? What became of that? Huh?

    Buncha losers.

  11. John Moltz says:

    Congratulations to Ozi, for correctly coming up with the plural for Moltz.

    Moltzi.

  12. greenacres says:

    Maybe they should ask Arlo Rose what he is up to, then Arlo wouldn’t have to bother to develop his idea….

  13. johnson says:

    They should develope their vacation photos next I reckon… Heard Schiller took some saucy ones of his wife… You know, the whole “second honeymoon” thing…

  14. Anonymous says:

    Wouldn’t that be the iBupkus?

  15. Brother Mugga says:

    Sorry, I keep reading this as ‘Bagpuss’

    mwaha

    mwahahahHAHAHAHAHAHA

    mwhaha

    ehhhh…

    That doesn’t really work there, does it?

    PS: Did the Schillers ‘elope’ on their ‘second honeymoon’ then?

    PPS: And do you mean ‘heard’. As in ‘saw’. Which is to say ‘took and then blamed on Schiller’?

  16. Del says:

    Instead of a new idea maybe Apple should actually complete some of it’s old ideas. Like the 3gz g5 Steve promised us. Where is it!

    Oh there it is, I put it in the corner and forgot about it.

    My bad.

  17. Carlos says:

    One day Tokusan told his student Ganto: “I have 2 monks who have been here for many years. Go and examine them.” Ganto picked up an ax an went to the hut where the two monks were meditating. He raised the ax, saying: “If you say a word, I will cut off your heads; and if you do not say a word, I will also cut off your heads.”

    Both monks continued their meditation as if he had not spoken. Ganto dropped the ax and said, “You are true Zen students.” He returned to Tokusan and related the incident. “I see your side well,” Tokusan agreed, “but tell me, how is their side?” “Tozan may admit them,” replied Ganto, “but they should not be admitted under Tokusan.”

    Live long and prosper,

    C

  18. Coombs says:

    FuNNNNNy!

    Last Post!

  19. patrick says:

    mu.

  20. Del says:

    moof!

  21. b-man says:

    Maybe Apple should change their official logo to a dogcow, put the Cairo font back in Mac OS X, and make a new version of AppleWorks renamed ClarusWorks.

  22. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Apple should work on my pants. These new ones don’t fit right.

  23. Mia Small says:

    Purple ketchup?

  24. Huck says:

    Nope, bupkus.

  25. Cheops says:

    I’ve been waiting to upgrade to Airport Extreme until they add sandwich functionality.

    That and I don’t have a computer. I dug up my neighbor’s phone line and I’m using a nine-volt battery and an LED to surf.

  26. kydruid says:

    ummm shouldn’t that be iBupkus?

  27. Liam says:

    Ha ha!

    There is no spoon!

    lty

  28. EMan says:

    Can we go back to the Dell pickle idea? I haven’t had lunch yet…

  29. The Cheese Man says:

    31st Post Bitches!

  30. The Cheese Man says:

    You can’t touch this!

  31. Huck says:

    *touches this*

  32. Del says:

    Aww Huck now you’re going to have to disinfect that. You don’t know where this has been. Here take my bottle of Everclear. Drink half and put the rest on your hands.

  33. Brother Mugga says:

    De-de-de-de De-de De-de.

    Huck-touched-this.

    I know; I should be abed now. I’ve just trying to sort out some late night hot Carbon Copy Cloning action.

    Feeling sleepy . . . veriee sleeeepieee……….

  34. Thomas says:

    In Paris, Apple will announce a new marketing campaign for the Ipod. A free Citroen 2cv with every iPod purchase — oh, wait, they arleady can’t make enough iPods.

    *Must come up with better idea before being pelted with pickle relish*

  35. Thomas says:

    *Whew, thought of another marketing ploy*

    His Steveness will leak a rumor that Apple will give a free pair of leather pants, a leather jacket, a Trabi, and a David Hasselhoff poster with every PowerMac purchase… but it is just a ploy to trick Micky Dell into giving away polyester slacks, a plaid jacket, a unicycle and a Pat Boone poster with every Dell purchase.

    *Runs and ducks before as food flys through air*

  36. JT says:

    “Nadda”? You misspell stuff in 2 languages now?!

  37. Carlos says:

    I assumed “nadda” was deliberate, meant to convey a combination of a Cupertino accent with insidious ennui. I should have known better.

    Live long and prosper,

    C

  38. jimmythej says:

    Last post?(by an 11 year old kid,now THATS something you don’t see every day…)

    If mu is nothing is um everything?

  39. Anonymous says:

    when are we going to see a G5 eMac?