01 Dec 04Yeah, Apple Real Concerned About iPod's Position.

In a response to a number of analysts who believe that Apple must open the iPod and its DRM system to third parties or risk losing the digital music market the way it lost the desktop computer market, Apple sarcastically announced today that, yeah, it’s real concerned about that.

Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein rolled his eyes and made an up and down motion in front of himself with his fist to simulate someone engaged in self-gratification.

“Oh, I’m real scared the iPod’s in trouble,” Rubinstein said.

“Yeah, I was quaking in my boots when I was driving home yesterday and I heard a radio station that was asking members of a band what was on their iPods. I was shaking like a teacup poodle when I sat down to watch an evening of TV and heard four references to the iPod in the shows.

“Yeah, that free marketing’ll kill ya! It’ll kill ya!


Rubinstein then proceeded to laugh uproariously until tears came streaming from his eyes.

The Sony “iPod Killer” also has Apple executives expressing sarcastic concern. Particularly (un)troubling, according to Apple CEO Steve Jobs was the fact that it’s more expensive than an iPod with the same hard disk space.

“That has me terribly, terribly concerned,” Jobs said making an exaggerated frowny face, putting the tips of his index fingers to the corners of his mouth and tilting his head back and forth.

“Tewwibly,” he added.

When asked whether criticism of Apple’s DRM system has caused the company any angst over its ability to maintain its dominant position in the market for digital music, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller blatantly patronized reporters.

“Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm,” Schiller said, feigning seriousness. “Good question. Well, here let me just check the latest numbers on downloads from the iTunes Music Store…

“Aaaaaaaaaaaand no. Angst? Not so much angst. Largely angst-free. Rather angst-less, actually. Hmm, let me look in my desk drawer… Any angst in there? Whoop. Nope. Doesn’t look like it.”

Further belying the concern of analysts, sources indicated that several Apple executives have actually been seen literally laughing all the way to their local banks.

25 Responses to “Yeah, Apple Real Concerned About iPod's Position.”

  1. Dan says:

    First agaainnn

  2. Paris Hilton says:

    I’m a stupid spoiled whore. Are you?

  3. Anonymous says:

    I’m engaged in self-gratification right now

  4. some guy says:

    come on single digits!!!

  5. MacStansbury says:

    all a you’re are just Jonnie-come-latelys you peoples

    leave the first post to us professionals

  6. UhhhDude says:

    Sixth. And lovin’ my iPod-ey goodness.

  7. Anybody got some betamax tapes says:

    Actually, this article is right on the money.

    Apple don’t break my heart again. For crying out loud I even learned Logo programing. Please don’t ruin your chances at total world domination, and the crushing of Billy boy’s rip off of Gary Kildal’s OS. Let every body sell music for the iPod.

  8. MacStansbury says:

    oh, and Dan IS Moltz. that’s not even in doubt.

  9. greenacres says:

    If he is, bet he’ll get the 11th post, too….bastard.

  10. Steve Ballmer's Rabbit says:

    Microsoft is rumored to have their iPod killer ready for release Q2 2009 and I believe they’ve hit the nail on the head. Literally. The device resembles a 10lb hammer and has a very user friendly interface. The entire instruction manual;

    1. Place iPod on hard surface.

    2. Hit with MS iPod Killer.

  11. Dan says:

    Psh Stansbury, I’m not Moltz.

    I did Appletalk Radio. Yeesh.

  12. greenacres says:

    Oooooo, edging Jo…I mean Dan out for the 11th. I’m sure he won’t be too pissed…

  13. MacStansbury says:

    Well, I’m not going to believe that they aren’t the same person till I get a picture of them both in a room together, like that Parker kid and Spiderman.


    …and that’s when I noticed I downloaded a full copy of MT for no apparent reason a few weeks ago…

  14. Del says:

    Hello has anyone seen my Angst? I woke up this morning and it was gone. I really don’t know what to do without it. My God I’m Chipper and I don’t know how I can live with myself if this keeps up.

  15. Huh? says:

    Well, gee. A nice little box comes in this moring, and I go and open it not reading the address. Wouldn’t you know it- a whole box of Angst. DAMN! Who the hell wanted this much Angst. So I read the address. Thanks Del. It’s coming back to you… C.O.D!!!


  16. Del says:

    YAY! I can have my angst back! That makes me so exited I’m going to make everyone balloon animals.

  17. Del says:

    Huh? that box you sent me back wasn’t filled with Angst it was filled with Apathy. I’d complain but I really don’t care.

  18. MacStansbury says:

    hey Del, that’s actually funny. And I don’t say that often, to people other than myself.

    Box of Angst. That’s funny too.

    /me still bored

  19. Huh? says:

    Arrrrgh!!! I wondered why I felt guilt about reading this at work. Del… even trade? I give you your Angst, if I can just get my Apathy back. Please?

  20. Del says:


  21. Anonymous says:

    Now that was classic.

    I mean Vlasic.

  22. Anonymous says:

    mmmmm pickles.