The rumors are swirling yet again around IBM purchasing Apple and we’re here to tell you, they’re true! Big Blue has indeed put several offers on the table for Apple, but what you won’t hear anywhere else is that Apple has counter-offered in an attempt to seize control of IBM!
Our Inside Apple sources have provided this transcript of a conversion between Apple CEO Steve Jobs and IBM CEO Samuel J. Palmisano.
Let’s listen in on this edition of… Inside Apple!
PALMISANO: Mr… Jobs, is it? Mr. Jobs, I’m prepared to offer you $15 billion dollars in cash and $10 billion in IBM stock. Take it or leave it!
JOBS: I think I speak for the whole board when I say, pah!
JOBS: Yes, pah! I think it might be Klingon… but, whatever. See, through a host of financing options I’m not at liberty to discuss, we are making a counter-offer to buy you!
PALMISANO: What?! You diabolical fiend!
JOBS: Ha-ha-ha! Alright, scope this, girlfriend… $160 billion in cash and a guarantee to stay on the PowerPC for ten years. Now… be my bitch!
PALMISANO: Your offer offends me more than your flamboyance, Mr. Jobs! We shall own you! Your proposal is laughable! HA-HA! Now, let’s end this nonsense! I’ve been authorized to sweeten the pot: our original offer, plus 10,000 licenses to Lotus Notes and the source code to an algorithm that actually runs faster the more data you put into it!
JOBS: What?! That’s impossible.
PALMISANO: No, it’s true! It was coded by this Hindu mystic. Did the whole thing cross-legged while hovering a foot off the floor.
JOBS: Keep your baubles and beads! I’ll throw in the designs for a tablet device that runs for 40 days on a single charge and makes pudding! And I’ll give you a mint condition first issue of Fangoria magazine! Bagged and boarded!
PALMISANO: You continue to insult us! Consider this: a facility in the Nevada desert where we keep all the original alien technology that started the computer revolution and the corpse of Ray Ozzie. I can’t go any higher!
JOBS: Ray Ozzie isn’t dead!
PALMISANO: Oh, I’m sure we can do something about that!
JOBS: Not interested! Now, you must accept the secret behind my reality distortion field, a dump-truck full of color Newtons that never saw the light of day and… and… a delicious banana mango smoothie! But I must have your answer now! The bananas are about to go bad!
PALMISANO: I know you’re speaking but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah!” I can go as high as the keys to a device that employs wormholes for instantaneous matter transmission across great distances and a subscription to Modern Lesbian!
JOBS: Your words are like the barking of a shrill little dog to me! Please accept this plastic rain hat I got for opening a bank account in 1975 and the secret behind the set-top box we almost released instead of the iMac!
PALMISANO: I have a bizarre collection of shrunken heads that contain mystical powers! They’re yours if you sign now!
JOBS: The soul of Jonathan Ive, which I keep in a crystal about my neck! Don’t delay!
PALMISANO: A computer from the 1940s the size of an aircraft carrier! It adds fractions!
JOBS: Dibs on the first sexbot off the line once we solve certain, er, lubrication issues!
PALMISANO: No, no, no!
JOBS: Dammit, man!
PALMISANO: [sigh] I… believe we are at an impasse, Mr. Jobs.
JOBS: Indeed. We see that there is nothing you have that I want and nothing I have that you want.
PALMISANO: Perhaps, Monsieur Jobs, it is the thrill of the hunt that we enjoy so.
JOBS: Perhaps. You play the game well, sir! I doff my cap to you!
PALMISANO: And I to you! Until our next meeting!
JOBS: Until then!
PALMISANO: Hang up.
JOBS: No, you hang up first.
PALMISANO: Oh, don’t start this again.
JOBS: I’m not starting anything. You’re the doofus who won’t hang up.