07 Dec 04Inside Apple.


The rumors are swirling yet again around IBM purchasing Apple and we’re here to tell you, they’re true! Big Blue has indeed put several offers on the table for Apple, but what you won’t hear anywhere else is that Apple has counter-offered in an attempt to seize control of IBM!

Our Inside Apple sources have provided this transcript of a conversion between Apple CEO Steve Jobs and IBM CEO Samuel J. Palmisano.

Let’s listen in on this edition of… Inside Apple!


PALMISANO: Mr… Jobs, is it? Mr. Jobs, I’m prepared to offer you $15 billion dollars in cash and $10 billion in IBM stock. Take it or leave it!

JOBS: I think I speak for the whole board when I say, pah!

PALMISANO: “Pah”?

JOBS: Yes, pah! I think it might be Klingon… but, whatever. See, through a host of financing options I’m not at liberty to discuss, we are making a counter-offer to buy you!

PALMISANO: What?! You diabolical fiend!

JOBS: Ha-ha-ha! Alright, scope this, girlfriend… $160 billion in cash and a guarantee to stay on the PowerPC for ten years. Now… be my bitch!

PALMISANO: Your offer offends me more than your flamboyance, Mr. Jobs! We shall own you! Your proposal is laughable! HA-HA! Now, let’s end this nonsense! I’ve been authorized to sweeten the pot: our original offer, plus 10,000 licenses to Lotus Notes and the source code to an algorithm that actually runs faster the more data you put into it!

JOBS: What?! That’s impossible.

PALMISANO: No, it’s true! It was coded by this Hindu mystic. Did the whole thing cross-legged while hovering a foot off the floor.

JOBS: Keep your baubles and beads! I’ll throw in the designs for a tablet device that runs for 40 days on a single charge and makes pudding! And I’ll give you a mint condition first issue of Fangoria magazine! Bagged and boarded!

PALMISANO: You continue to insult us! Consider this: a facility in the Nevada desert where we keep all the original alien technology that started the computer revolution and the corpse of Ray Ozzie. I can’t go any higher!

JOBS: Ray Ozzie isn’t dead!

PALMISANO: Oh, I’m sure we can do something about that!

JOBS: Not interested! Now, you must accept the secret behind my reality distortion field, a dump-truck full of color Newtons that never saw the light of day and… and… a delicious banana mango smoothie! But I must have your answer now! The bananas are about to go bad!

PALMISANO: I know you’re speaking but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah!” I can go as high as the keys to a device that employs wormholes for instantaneous matter transmission across great distances and a subscription to Modern Lesbian!

JOBS: Your words are like the barking of a shrill little dog to me! Please accept this plastic rain hat I got for opening a bank account in 1975 and the secret behind the set-top box we almost released instead of the iMac!

PALMISANO: I have a bizarre collection of shrunken heads that contain mystical powers! They’re yours if you sign now!

JOBS: The soul of Jonathan Ive, which I keep in a crystal about my neck! Don’t delay!

PALMISANO: A computer from the 1940s the size of an aircraft carrier! It adds fractions!

JOBS: Dibs on the first sexbot off the line once we solve certain, er, lubrication issues!

PALMISANO: No, no, no!

JOBS: Dammit, man!

PALMISANO: [sigh] I… believe we are at an impasse, Mr. Jobs.

JOBS: Indeed. We see that there is nothing you have that I want and nothing I have that you want.

PALMISANO: Perhaps, Monsieur Jobs, it is the thrill of the hunt that we enjoy so.

JOBS: Perhaps. You play the game well, sir! I doff my cap to you!

PALMISANO: And I to you! Until our next meeting!

JOBS: Until then!

PALMISANO: …

JOBS: …

PALMISANO: Hang up.

JOBS: No, you hang up first.

PALMISANO: Oh, don’t start this again.

JOBS: I’m not starting anything. You’re the doofus who won’t hang up.

PALMISANO: You.

JOBS: You.

38 Responses to “Inside Apple.”

  1. Cliff says:

    First

  2. Ambrose Chapel says:

    that’s some funny stuff.

  3. Tom Richardson says:

    And to think that I was for once up late enough to get third (or is it fourth yet?)

  4. Tom Richardson says:

    Okay, Okay…

    I’ll do you fourth post and third post…

    Okay…

    For you? First post on CARS forever…

  5. Paul says:

    Fifth post, but… 4th poster!

  6. Psyko says:

    Dang, I can’t believe CARS missed the part of the conversation where I made an offer and they accepted. What that offer is, you may never know.

  7. Not 11th! The placing of the beings we all laugh at behind their hairy, matted backs!

  8. MacStansbury says:

    bravo to you sir, for two strait days of collectibles humor!

    bagged and boarded indeed

  9. Dan says:

    I like CARS.

    And cheese. Especially cheese.

    But CARS too.

  10. MacStansbury says:

    anybody want an 11th post™?

    anyone?

  11. MacStansbury says:

    crap. I meant to set somebody up for the 11th post. man.

    teh s uck.

    now how am I going to be able to sleep?

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Reading between the lines it’s obvious Palmisano is holding back that IBM have already accepted Tibet for their PC business in a deal with Lenovo.

    My question is – Will the Tibetans be better or worse of?

    You go Dalai Lama.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    p.s. My post was the first with any thread of a relation to the article.

  14. Adam Jackson says:

    awesome inside apple. not ethe best, btus till good.

  15. MacStansbury says:

    I would like to thank whoever it was that got me hooked on TWOP later tonight, preferably behind the dumpsters with a baseball bat.

    how can they NOT recap Scrubs? it seems so obvious.

    /rant

  16. Ray Ozzie says:

    Acording to my latest VisiCalc data set, I am still alive. Well, as alive as one can be in Beverly, MA.

  17. UhhhDude says:

    “Lubrication issues”?

    That explains a lot. The delays in shipping the swxbots. Also the chafing.

    MacStansbury, I am your TWoP pusher man, but don’t blame me for no Scrubs. Or, don’t blame me for “no Scrubs.” Or, don’t blame me for TWoP’s omission of “Scrubs.”

    Oh, and please bring the baseball bat. I just took this pill that Barry Bonds’ trainer gave me, and I need to practice my swing. That, and my knuckles are now dragging the ground.

  18. UhhhDude says:

    Also, you have to read the FAQ. TWoP doesn’t do comedies. Sorry. Check the forums for a “Scrubs” board if you need to feed your “Scrub” jones.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s this pie….

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    The World our Parish???

  20. You made me laugh. And with the week I’ve had, that’s no small accomplishment.

    Thank you.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Now…Be my bitch!

  22. MacStansbury says:

    silly rabbit, FAQs are for kids!

    wow, that actually works…

    anger…lowering…

  23. Tristrami says:

    Moltz hits two in a row! Love the idea that Steve-o uses the phrase “scope this, girlfriend” in conversation. Keep up the good work and maybe I’ll even click through to one of your advertisers…

  24. Yes, I will go now says:

    Will these star crossed lovers ever unite?

    Will Steve get up and grab the KY?

    Will Sam realize that he turned down a free Smoothie?

    Will I ever stop writing this drivel?

  25. UhhhDude says:

    TWoP: http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com

    The snarkiest place on earth. Bring a friend!

  26. soosy says:

    ANOTHER EXCELLENTLY FUNNY CARS!!!!!

    THANKS.

  27. ipodguy says:

    Awesome Article. Funniest one in a while. If you read it in Speedracer voice, it’s even better. Great job, Moltz!

  28. Del says:

    I don’t know for some reason I kept imagining this conversation between Kang and Kodos.

  29. PixelGrid says:

    PAH!

  30. Steve Jobs says:

    You forgot the part where he offerent to nuke the CARS office. I almost took him up on it, but then where would I be able to post where my RDF is so effective?

  31. Anonymous says:

    does anyone else find ti somewhat odd that there are only 30ish comments on each new article

  32. smacked says:

    No…….But I do find it odd that I can never find my car keys in the morning.

    Get it CAR……as in Crazy……..

    oh, nevermind

  33. rwp says:

    If that offer of dibs on the first sexbot won’t make them budge, there is no hope of a deal. Just have to take it public so we can buy them out with hard cash…

  34. GLAARKU says:

    I picture Jobs vs. Sam as two kung-fu fighters squaring off before the big ass-kicking scene.

    Great item, funniest I’ve seen so far and it had references to all the latest comment-forum topics. Lesbians, sexbots, pies or pudding, bananas, shrunken heads, collectorisms, etc.

    “No, you hang up first.” HA!

  35. geeeco says:

    That’s funny shit, man.

  36. Andrew says:

    Wow a Color Newton! Amazing, something to rival PocketPC…

  37. Anonymous says:

    prime numbered post

  38. iMacThere4iAm says:

    Dibs on the second sexbot!