We're Back!


After weeks of fever-pitched battle against Tentaculous, the gigantic octopus-like creature at the center of our galaxy, the Crazy Apple Rumors Site crew has returned triumphant!

Um, well, actually, we all got kind of bored of it and just ended up calling it a tie.

I know a tie isn’t really very exciting. It’s more the kind of thing you expect from sissy sports like soccer, cricket and… um… rugby. So, you’re probably a little disappointed.

But the good news is that it’s a tie in name only, really, as Tentaculous has called off his invasion of Earth!

Well, OK, it was mostly due to a scheduling problem – he’s got a lot of planets to invade, civilizations to crush, you know how it is – not our resistance. But he did send us a nice note saying it was a pleasure doing battle with us and that, if he had the time, he’d love to continue doing battle with us, but he didn’t have the time so he hoped we’d understand and please accept this gift set from Dean and Delucca in lieu of being crushed beyond all recognition and…

Well, it was very nice. Hand-written. Little piece of vellum paper in it. Faint aroma of rose water.

You know, lots of people ask me if the name of Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s parent company, Giant Squid Productions, has something to do with the fact that Tentaculous is a giant octopus himself.

Well, certainly. The Entity picked the name and I can only assume he did so because the squid is the natural enemy of the octopus.

What?

Oh.

I’m told by Chet in our Research Department (he’s just over there because it’s on the other side of the office and we were tossing the Nerf football around earlier) that that’s not true at all. Squid and octopuses don’t even really pay attention to each other.

The natural enemy of the octopus is actually the mongoose.

Huh.

That’s…

odd.

How do they… ?

Well, whatever.

We’re back, and we should be getting up and running with sinfully delicious Apple rumors on a regular basis real soon.

Which won’t be easy right after Macworld, but…

Um…

Maybe we’ll just make some crap up. How would that be?

59 thoughts on “We're Back!”

  1. 00EEefsagvvi438t9g9f3v–3eg5r-ehg5-h4hbbn-tnbFQDGVB-vs-g-sdgb35-t6y567WARNING: CONTAINMENT FIELD FAILURE IMMINENT

  2. It’s the eight post.

    Yep, eighth.

    Nothing else to do but post.

    Eight times.

    Yep…

    Is everyone dead?

    Well, if that guy is, he won’t miss his Cinema Display.

    *runs off with Cinema Display*

  3. XV!

    It’s spelled “vellum.”

    It’s also called, “Spell Check.” Or did Tentaculous run off with that, too?

  4. I’d like to be the first one to mention Rikki Tikki Tavi. That was one of my favorite childhood cartoons. I loved how he saved them at the end by getting the vicious squid before the cast-away’s raft was found after the food ran out on Gilligan’s Island.

    or maybe that’s just the Naproxen speaking.

  5. The real reason for the CARS vs Tentaculous battle is squids are so cool and Octopi are so creepy. Go to any big time aquarium, the squid glides proudly through the water while the octopus crawls creepily along the bottom (or hides in the rocks). Its like Fonzie and… and… I can not think of anyone as creepy as a octopus.

    MacStansbury, You are confusing Rikki Tikki Tavi with Rin Tin Tin. And it wasn’t a vicious squid, it was a bloated psychotic eggplant. Oh and it wasn’t that episode of Gilligan’s Island, it was the one where Gilligan fell into the cave and no one could find him…actually nobody noticed he was missing hence the rather strange plot twist where Rin Tin Tin parachutes on to the island and rescues Gilligan… actual not so much rescues as retrieves … you know like when you throw a dog a stick and it brings back a different stick?

    Damn, sorry… its the alcohol speaking.

  6. You are both wrong. You are referring to the new Yugioh series, you know, somebody is in trouble so you have to save them. Then the next 4 episodes are them trying to save them and there is always some creepy guy and what not. Yeah, that is what you guys are talking about.

  7. A TIE!!! A TIE!!!

    How disappointing… I was really looking forward to the calamari and seafood platter for the moon hutch BBQ.

    Cowards!

  8. “Sissy sports?”

    From Tentaculous’s Post-conquest To-Do List, re: Americans:

    6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football,” but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

  9. Funny you should mention giant squids.

    A few months back, the New Yorker (it’s a magazine — log off sometime and check it out) ran its annual cartoon caption contest. A cartoonist provided the drawing, and readers were invited to submit a caption that would make the cartoon funny. This year’s cartoon showed a man sitting at a sushi counter holding chopsticks. Behind the counter stands a sushi chef speaking to the seated patron. Beside the chef is a giant squid, its large eyes staring at the patron.

    The winning caption (unveiled this week) read, “He feels he can do more good working within the system.” Notable runners-up were “Actually, he loves the job — it’s the commute that drives him crazy,” “The squid stays in the picture,” “He opens the giant clams” and my personal favorite “Elusive? He’s here every night.”

  10. Up yours, Golden Retriever.

    Wait … I should probably explain that. I am talking to a dog with a brain the size of a peanut.. a small peanut.

  11. Actually, Rin Tin Tin, Golden Retrievers are quite intelligent. Now, Irish Setters have a brain the size of a peanut. Well, maybe a walnut. And you missed the point of Golden Retriever’s post altogether. It was a joke, Rin Tin Tin didn’t save Timmy, Lassie did. Lassie is a Collie. My Golden Reliever can do impressions of both Rin Tin Tin and Lassie. And it was a Afghan Hound named “Fluffy” that saved Gilligan from the cave–Mrs. Howell had it hidden in her secret luggage with all of her evening wear and hats. And why didn’t the Professor build a helicopter or something? I mean, really! He made that generator-bicycle thing out of bamboo and sticks…

    Oooh. Maybe I should lay off the Mountain Dew.

  12. Kallaloo:

    No one else plays american football? I think it is a well known fact to all of the otherwise ignorant american football fans that this is untrue.

    http://www.cfl.ca

    http://www.nfleurope.com/

    C’mon. If you want to make fun of americans, at least criticise for something that is factually correct such as their unwavering patriotism in supporting the President. Not a soul would dare speak out against the policies of such a great leader.

  13. All I have to say re: Timmy.

    Passions is on! Timmy’s down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it I’ll…

  14. Oh and pmsg DO NOT LAY OFF THE MOUNTAIN DEW. Just send me the winning caps ‘kay?

    Then we’ll forget this little incident ever happened.

  15. IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN SECRET THAT BEINGS WITH TENTACLES CUT EACH OTHER SLACK ON A REGULAR BASIS!

    IT’S CALLED “PROFESSIONAL COURTESY!!”

    FEAR IT!!!

  16. As an American, I have to agree with our foreign readers about football as compared to soccer or rugby. Football players shouldn’t wear pads. Even in college, I played intramural football and soccer. If you even brushed against someone, a flag was thrown in football. Totally ridiculous. Ok, so maybe I did brush up against a blocker. Maybe I’m bitter about the call. Still. But I stopped playing that and went to play soccer. At least there I had people piling on me to keep me from a free-kick. 250 pound defenders trying to crush me while I launched a ball at their goal. Now that’s fun! Er, well, um, ok, so I was lucky and did not get injured. But the big German from the graduate dorm who was laying waste to the forwards…he was brutal. And no padding. NONE. Except for shins, really you do need them, it friggin HURTS to get kicked there unprotected. Where was I again? I got lost…Never mind…

  17. Don’t bother lumping in the grand old CFL with your American football. Different game entirely! I mean, who needs FOUR downs to go a measly ten yards! Bah. Pfff!

    Pansies.

  18. Velum is actually a word:

    1. Biology. A covering or partition of thin membranous tissue, such as the veil of a mushroom or a membrane of the brain.

    2. Anatomy. The soft palate.

    3. Zoology. A ciliated swimming organ that develops in certain larval stages of most marine gastropod mollusks.

    Just in case anyone’s still on the vellum/velum thing.

  19. Hey, what do we care about what Tentaculous thinks about football? He’s OLD news. So is football.

    Nitpickerpicker, two questions:

    Uhh? Who used velum? Is that old news too? Unless its from the mega-post, past comments are dead comments. Notice how John deletes them?

    How many nits could a nitpicker pick if a nitpicker could pick nits?

    (ok… ok… a nitpicker is going to pick up on the fact that I asked more that two questions. apple alert sound)

  20. Timmy…schimmy

    I think the stupid kid with the beat-up old trooper cap who kept bugging me was called Rusty… or Dusty… or as I though of him, Stupid Idiot. That kid could get in the screwyest scrapes and then expect me to get him out of trouble. What a lamer!

  21. hey foreigners, try getting that ball in a giant goal while you’ve got 4 300-pounders running strait at you as fast as they can.

    and then make that giant goal two hands, in a snow-storm, and you can’t see the hands, and the hands are moving as fast as they can.

    I always get a kick out of hearing about the sissy-fied pads we wear. if you think you’ve been hit by a guy as hard as he can hit, then how come the other guy could still move? if he hit you as hard as he could, he’d be in as much pain as you are.

    no, he hit you real hard. but safe hard. sort of like professional wrestling or bull-riding. there’s harder hitting going on in the stands.

    and on the CFL, I love the 3-downs.

    Pass Pass Punt.

    Pass Pass Punt.

    Run Run Punt.

    Pass Pass Punt.

    Ty-Cats forever. Seriously.

  22. Okay listen everyone, I really wish you would all wait for me before you start running up the post count. We’re already over 40 posts! It’s been weeks since I’ve had the eleventh post, weeks!

    Oh how I wish I could have the eleventh post. I’d have it and have it again. I could have it numerous times before I would succumb to my bothersome refractory period.

  23. MacStansbury, Cdn,eh? One of the 2.15%?, and greenacres:

    For context and all that, an early draft of Tentaculous’s memo is actually available at the URL behind my name. (Don’t tell me you missed it first time!)

  24. I like squids. Really, I do. I use my parrot-like beak to bite them, and have them for lunch. Yum.

    You think I’m creepy, look in the bathroom mirror in the morning. Egad!

    I was rootng for Tentaculous, but I put money down on CARS becuase I figured they’d win, what with them writing the history, and as we all know, history is written by the Victors.

    Or was it the Victor Matures?

    Hmmmm…

    Oh yeah, it was Victors. No doubt about it.

    Now, where were those mongooses…

  25. Bugger – am I late for the whole ‘Football/Schmootball’ fest?

    Any chance of my pointing out that cricket is the best game in the world? And that we just spanked the Springboks? Or that Moltz is clearly attempting to rile us Brits just because he got turned back at Heathrow (‘battling a giant squid at the centre of the galaxy’ my arse) for trying to impersonate Rowan ‘Blackadder II’ Atkinson? (http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/staff.html)

    Oh yes.

    Anyway – about that last Test match…

    PS: Oh yeah, and rugby’s loads better than all that gridiron stuff . . . er . . . so there.

  26. You all have it wrong with these stupid sports you play. It is all about Brickles on the Mac II. Really, get with the program. NO PADS USED AT ALL. Heck, you don’t even need clothes, but that really is a nasty image.

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