Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is thrilled to announce that – in honor of Apple’s 30th Anniversary tomorrow – all of today’s questions will be answered by none other than Apple CEO Steve Jobs! It’s quite a feather in our caps and we’ve spared no expense to bring you the full experience what what Steve sounds like answering help desk questions in text format.

So, take it away, Steve!

Q: Steve, I’m a lesbian with a tremendous rack and I also happen to be a Mac mini owner. My question is, when I’m lathering up my partner – who also has a tremendous rack – in the shower and I want to switch iTunes on my Mac mini from playing Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” to Barry White’s “I’m Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby”, is it safe to use the Apple Remote in the shower?
A: Steve? Steve? Um…
A: Oh, dear, I think we’ve lost Steve already.
Q: Oh, whatever will I do?!
A: Steve may not be able to help you, but please stay on the line. For the love of god, whatever you do please stay on the line.

A: Steve? Are you back?
STEVE JOBS: I’m sorry. I fell out of my chair.
A: That’s entirely understandable. I’m terribly sorry. That was a tough first question. We’ll try to make this one a softball!
STEVE JOBS: Thanks! That’d be great. I usually have a staff of people who do this kind of thing for me. I’m not even sure why I agreed to this.
A: Probably because we’re holding hostages.
STEVE JOBS: Oh, that’s right. I was having so much fun I forgot.
A: Let’s move on to our second question quickly before the police show up!
Q: Steve, I’m a long-time Mac user who likes fine ladies with big butts. I have a G4 PowerBook I bought last year and my question to you is… do you like a big can?
Q: A big can. A whole lotta bootie. You know… has your baby got back?
STEVE JOBS: I thought you said this was going to be a softball question.
A: What do you mean? I don’t think they get any easier than that.
STEVE JOBS: I’m… I’m just not comfortable answering these kinds of questions.
A: Ooh, I see! I think that’s answering without answering.
Q: Oh, yeah! I hear ya loud and clear, Steve!
STEVE JOBS: I didn’t say anything!
A: I’ll just make a note that says “Yes, Steve likes a big can.”
STEVE JOBS: No! No! No note!

A: OK, Steve, last question and, you know, I think this has been a little hard on you so I’m going to make this one really easy.
A: Uh… sure. Whatever.
Q: Steve, you’ve long been known as a “mercurial” executive with a penchant for firing people at the least provocation. Don’t you think having such a short fuse makes your positions as CEO of Apple and the largest shareholder of Disney untenable in the long run?
STEVE JOBS: That’s it! This Q & A is over!
A: Steve?! Steve?!
Q: Uh…
A: Hmm. Well, Steve seems to have stormed off.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeah. I thought for sure we’d get him at “big cans.”
Q: Me too.

Judge In Apple Court Case Finds iPod Shuffle Cap In His Bed.

In what lawyers for plaintiffs are saying was a blatant act of intimidation, Judge Edward Mann – the adjudicator of the Apple Corps vs. Apple Computer case – found the cap of his prized iPod shuffle in his bed.

Mann, who had already admitted to being an iPod user, was quite shaken by the incident.

“It was terrifying,” Mann said hugging his torso, still wrapped in a terrycloth bathrobe.

“In all my years on the bench, I’ve never felt so violated. So vulnerable. It’s a 1 GB model and I really love it. It’s quite precious to me, so this is particularly painful.

“Of course, it just snaps right back on…” Mann admitted, pantomiming the motion of snapping a shuffle cap on. “Just… click… and it’s back on. And I suppose it’s possible it just popped off as I was listening to it in bed…

“But still…”

Lawyers for plaintiff Apple Corps quickly filed a motion against Apple asking that the company be held in contempt of court.

“This blatant act of intimidation won’t stand,” said Geoffrey Vos, counsel for Apple Corps. “Apple Computer’s threats of violence against Judge Mann must be dealt with in the strictest manner possible.”

Reached for comment at his dentist’s office, Apple CEO Steve Jobs, his cheeks stuffed with cotton balls, said “Judge Mann has a nice house. Nice family. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.

“I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be careless… with the exception of the first 25 years. I would suggest that Judge Mann do the same.”

Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Newton 2100 And eMate 300 Declared "Obsolete"

Shocking news hit the Newton-using community today as Apple quietly announced that the Newton 2100 and the eMate 300 were officially declared “obsolete.” A declaration of obsolete means that Apple has discontinued hardware service with no exceptions and service providers cannot order parts.

Reaction from all 15 Newton users was swift and angry.

“Who’s obsolete, Steve Jobs, you bitch?” asked a visibly agitated Grant Hutchinson. “Your momma, that’s who. It’s… it’s your momma who’s… um… obsolete.

“I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make any sense. This is just really upsetting.”

More disturbing than those who – like Hutchinson – expressed anger, were those continuing to live in denial.

“Steve said he was going to replace the Newton,” said Adam Tow, sitting in a corner hugging his knees and rocking back and forth while tapping at his Newton 2100 compulsively. “Steve wouldn’t lie to us. He wouldn’t lie to us! Why would he lie to us? He has no reason to lie to us!”

A review of online materials indicates that Jobs has lied to Apple customers no fewer than 3,453 times.

“A Newton replacement is coming!” Tow shouted. “It’s coming! Just wait! You’ll see!”

Apple declined to comment for this story other than to say that Tow is wrong and a Newton replacement is not coming.

Avie Tevanian: The Exclusive CARS Interview!

A devastated Macintosh community read the news yesterday that Avie Tevanian is stepping down as Apple’s Chief Technology Officer effective March 31st to “pursue other interests.”

I spoke with Avie at his home over the weekend as we both took Swedish massage from twin 17-year-old Japanese pearl divers while watching a private screening of The Fast and The Furious III: Tokyo Drift.

I was also high on mescaline but Avie was just having a two-olive gin martini with Quintessential as he had to get up early to do naked Tai Chi with Scarlett Johansson.

THOR: Avie, thanks for meeting with me.

TEVANIAN: Thor, it was the least I could do since you pulled me out of that burning building all those years ago.

THOR: Oh, that. Pff. It wasn’t anything. I’d forgotten all about it.

TEVANIAN: Well, I haven’t. Saved my life. And then you ran back in and saved every one of those fish in the aquarium! You’re amazing!

THOR: Well, I didn’t have to be at that charity event for the little leper children until later. I had the time. But let’s talk about you. I’m sure what’s on the mind of most Mac users out there is “How does Avie’s departure affect Apple, OS X and my personal belief system based on a universe that manifests itself as a constant flux between negative and positive energies?”

TEVANIAN: First of all, I’d like to say that Mac users have no need to fear for the continued success of Apple or OS X. I’ve been phoning it in for the past couple of years.

THOR: Really? That’s very candid of you.

TEVANIAN: Well, I don’t want anyone to worry unnecessarily. I know how Mac users are. I have a reputation as the “father” of OS X or the Mach kernel from my work at Carnegie Mellon. But the truth of the matter is I farmed all the real coding out to an Indian firm. Under the terms of my contract with them and as part of an independent study in business I was doing, I was able to claim the work as my own.

THOR: Now, that I did know. You were a pioneer in outsourcing to Asia.

TEVANIAN: I was. I was doing it long before consumers throughout the U.S. were spending hours on hold waiting to talk to Ranjit. Now the last part of your question about the state of the universe being an ongoing dischord between competing furies I’d like to answer through interpretive dance.

THOR: I was hoping you’d say that.

[Tevanian lifts himself off the massage table and performs a three-hour interpretive dance depicting the infinite saga of the struggle between life and death, darkness and light, good and evil. The finale consists of Tevanian waving sparklers in the air as a neon sign blinking “USA!” lowers from the ceiling.]

THOR: That was marvelous.

TEVANIAN: Thank you!

THOR: Avie, why now? Why are you calling it quits?

TEVANIAN: Well, truth be told, you don’t see a coworker get devoured by beavers and not have it affect you. I realized that life is short. And precious. And fragile.

THOR: Particularly compared to pack of bloodthirsty beavers.

TEVANIAN: [sniff] Yes.

THOR: Some have said that Jon’s death angered you so much that you’re going on a beaver hunt.

TEVANIAN: Um… actually that was something else they were talking about.

THOR: Ah. Oh. Well.


THOR: So, what is in store for Avie Tevanian?

TEVANIAN: Well, when I was younger I always wanted to take a few months and backpack across Europe.

THOR: Backpack? Really?

TEVANIAN: Yes. But I’m 44 now and I have a whole crapload of money so I think instead of backpacking I’m going to do it in a really bitching car going about 120 miles an hour with a couple of naked girls. Do the whole thing in a couple of days.

THOR: Hmm. So, uh, that’ll get you through the weekend. What are you going to do next week?

TEVANIAN: Um… I dunno. Uh… maybe hang out by the Gas-N-Sip. See what Gary’s up to. I dunno. I borrowed a buddy’s copy of the first run of Powers. I might read that.

THOR: Don’t you, well, don’t you think you should get a job?

TEVANIAN: I dunno.