Microsoft Planning iPod Killer.

According to numerous reports today, Microsoft – after failing with third-party hardware vendors – is set to release an iPod killer of its own for the holiday shopping season.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources indicate the device will be called the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

The Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player will come with a stunning new feature: the ability to download songs wirelessly. This feature is certain to leapfrog the iPod provided that time stands still between now and Christmas.

Microsoft has also implemented an easy-to-use system for downloading music to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained an advanced copy of the instructions for the new device:

  1. To download a song, click on the Start menu on your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.
  2. Navigate to Programs then Connectivity.
  3. Find the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Setup Wizard and launch it.
  4. Call the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline. Please be prepared to provide the serial number of your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, your credit card number, your social security number, Pete Rose’s on-base percentage for 1973 expressed in hexadecimal, and the 15000 KB representation of your personal genome.
  5. Type the 128-character code you receive from the certified Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline specialist into your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player using the optional full-sized keyboard. If you did not purchase the optional full-sized keyboard, use the Microsoft Scroll Panel to select the appropriate ASCII character code for each of the 128 characters in your activation code and enter it using the Microsoft ASCII Character Selection Button, found right next to the Microsoft Unicode Character Selection Input Actuator in the lower left section of the section of buttons reserved for inputting character codes. If your thumb cramps up, please ask a friend to finish entry for you. Entry must be completed in 30 seconds or the code is invalidated and you need to start over.
  6. Congratulations! Once activation has been achieved, you’re ready to start the process of moving toward the process before the process where you’ll be able to download your first song! From the Start menu…

It pretty much goes on like that.

Also, near the end, the company warns that it can delete your music at any time if it thinks your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Code is invalid or “has too many threes.” The company, apparently, does not like threes.

After users have successfully navigated Microsoft’s easy-to-use system and have reached the company’s music store, they will find a myriad of exciting music, TV shows and movies that have all been DRM-ed up the ass.

One beta tester for the product indicated that the song he was listening to was so DRM-laden that it had become distorted.

“It sounds like some sort of nonsensical throaty warbling. It doesn’t even sound like music anymore.”

The source paused, looking down at the confusing mash of items displayed on the screen of his Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

“Oh, wait. I think this is just Creed.”

To date Apple has not expressed any concern over Microsoft’s repeated attempts to kill the iPod, unless yawning loudly is how some people express concern.

87 thoughts on “Microsoft Planning iPod Killer.”

  1. John,
    Wouldn’t that read better and be more food orientated if it read, ‘Only the bagel has the correct aspic ratio’? A further substitution of croissant for bagel would also appeal to your French clientele.

  2. Ok, let me get this straight…
    Step one- MS Implements ‘killswitch’ in Windows.
    Step two- Hackers hack the ‘killswitch’ instruction set.
    Step three- Um, I think we all see the trend here.

    On a side note, reading the article, I noticed Piper Jaffray set Apple’s stock target at $99. My Pantsâ„¢ like this, as they purchased some Apple stock about two years ago. This actually concerns me greatly.

    I have no idea how my Pantsâ„¢ purchased ANY stocks.


  3. I’m sure wireless downloads will be fun accompanied by all those wizards. Nothing like treating the casual music listener like a thief AND an idiot.

    By the way, Microsoft, I have three threes. What’re ya gonna do about it? Write a security patch for it?

  4. iPod killer? Put the damn thing on the railroad tracks just before the number 8 rolls through. That’ll f’n kill it!
    yeah, yeah, top 10 woo hoo…zzzzzzzzz
    huh? whuh? zzzzzzzzzz

  5. I wish I were Microsoft. It must be nice (i.e., obscenely profitable) to force people to buy your product if they want a PC and then call them pirates if they won’t buy it again.

  6. Wil Microsoft have pudding with their wireless implementation? Because I know Apple will with theirs. Not to mention a roller pony cavalry to head them off at the pass with.

    Dozenth, I think.

  7. It’s not necessary to say Media Player Media Player Media Player. Once will suffice or do for the one time in one instance to start with in order to say music player thingy for playing back media files to begin with. Repeat as necessary, or do it again if you need to.

  8. Is that even good branding / marketing?
    “This is Microsoft. They were the ones who KILLED the iPod, that everyone loved.”
    Oh well. Once we see the Blue Screen of Death on our iPods, we’ll know they succeeded.

  9. Moltz, you guys must have an early copy of the steps. I’m pretty sure there should be seven more steps in the middle.
    The first six confirm all the information you just entered is correct and then the seventh one sneakily asks if you want to reset the form. They do that just to check your dedication I think.


  10. The “iPod killer” is actually a street team of MicroSoft loyalists who wander around and slap people who are carrying iPods. That’s…that’s pretty much it.

  11. Microsoft must have hired the “Green River Killer” to head up this project. They would have hired Ted Bundy, but it seems he never replies to their offers.

    You know, they could really make this easier on themselves if they would just install “MS BOB” on their new Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

    Oh wait….. Melinda ran over that little dog and killed it. 🙁

  12. Shameless Plug Alert: I’m shamlessly plugging something I wrote years ago. Proper eye protection is advised.

    The activation instructions for the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player remind me of the instructions for unclogging the iToilet.

  13. “all been DRM-ed up the ass”
    ““Oh, wait. I think this is just Creed.””

    Mr. Moltz, you have exceeded your allowed spit-take lines in this post by 100%, and we can no longer provide your liability insurance for this site. You are hereby notified that any keyboard damage insued by spewing coffee, cokes, or bagel particles will not be covered by your policy.

    Have a nice day.

  14. Alas CARS has yet again missed the true story behind M$ iPod killer. They are indeed building robots to go out and destroy all iPods. Learning from past mistakes (you know , the INCIDENT) they will not be loading Windows on the robots at all but a customized version of Ubuntu. It is like the time that M$ hosted their “Switch from Unix to Windows Servers” web site on Unix boxes running Apache.

    We are doing our part to keep the Redmond Menace at bay. At this moment Dual-iFlame Roller Ponies are scattering throughout the world to protect iPod users from the beige robots and Pony Paratroopers are preparing for their drop onto Redmond soil (beware of falling land mines if you are in that area).

    Be safe iPod users of the World, and remember if threatened by a M$ iPod Killer run to the first pony you see for protection. Many of our agents are undercover.

    P.S. It seems King Jigme Singye Wangchuck is on the payroll of M$. According to the Register the iPod protected its owner from the lightning and possibly saved his life.

  15. I keep hearing about these so-called “iPod killers,” which appear to be poorly designed music players of various sorts. This is very inefficient, and will probably never work. Wouldn’t it be easier to hire some guy named Guido to make the hit?

    Oh, and this weekend at least, the croissant does have the correct aspect ratio. After Sunday, who knows?

  16. Del,

    I ran to the first pony I saw, but it refused to save me until I deposited 50 cents. Then it only just rocked back and forth. This did indeed make me feel better but I was hoping for the Dual-iFlame to shoot out and destroy the “Plays for Sure (sorta)” player that was following me….

    Do I need a secret phrase?

  17. acl,

    It seems you made the mistake that many people do and ran to a miniature horse and not a pony. While the miniature horses can be quite soothing they tend to use soundwaves outside the normal human range of hearing to keep the iPod Killer away instead of the dual mounted iFlames. The minis will keep you safe, but without the fires, explosions, and fun.

  18. It is unfortunate that both Steves are called Steve. I hope that the embalmer remains separated from the umm… jobber.

  19. Del,

    This explains more about my life than most people will ever realize……nice pony (er.. minature horsey..)

  20. More iPod phone rumours surface… 🙂
    And it’s Apple perpetuating them
    Apple recently hinted at exciting developments in the digital music market.
    While no new product announcements were disclosed during last night’s financial results announcement, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said: “The iPod continued to earn a US market share of over 75 per cent and we are extremely excited about future iPod products in our pipeline.”
    Apple chief financial officer Peter Oppenheimer said: “Apple is investing heavily in iPod and iTunes engineering and is very enthusiastic about products in the pipeline.”
    Oppenheimer also dropped Apple’s biggest suggestion yet that it has plans to deliver a hybrid mobile phone iPod, saying: “We don’t think that the phones that are available today make the best music players. We think the iPod is. But over time, that is likely to change, and we are not sitting around doing nothing.”
    The company released statistics that showed iPod sales contributed $1.4bn (about ?760m) in revenue to the company’s $4.4bn (?2.4bn) revenue overall. That’s a climb of 36 percent compared with the same quarter last year.
    Apple’s ‘Other Music Products’ category – a general gathering that includes iTunes sales, iPod accessories and other services (presumably including revenue under its ‘Made for iPod’ scheme) popped another $457m (?248m) into the company coffers. This statistic is one of the most impressive on the company’s books, as it represents a 90 percent rise year on year.
    Citing research data from NPD, GFK and BCN, Apple confirmed that the iPod accounts for 75 per cent of the US MP3 player market, and that it’s the top-selling music player in the UK, Canada, Australia, France, Spain, Italy and Japan.
    iTunes – which now offers a US catalogue of three million songs, 9,000 music videos and 150 TV programmes – grabbed an impressive slice of 85 per cent of the pay-to-own digital music market, according to Nielsen SoundScan.



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