So long, suckers!

Well, now…

Fortunately, someone in the comments of yesterday’s post wrote something so money that we really needn’t have even gotten out of bed. Frankly, we wish more of you commenters would make yourselves useful around here. You don’t all have to be witty. You could make some coffee or go out for donuts or something.

Setting an example for the rest of you slackers, commenter Rip Ragged came up with some absolutely filthy technology-inspired porn.

….her warm, moist vista engulfed my turgid Zune. “Ubuntu, ubuntu,” she repeated as she climbed from a husky whisper to a shrieking, wildly bucking crescendo, “UBUNTU, UBUNTU.”

I collapsed in her arms and murmured into her ear, “Welcome to the social.”

That’s either our first or second favorite dirty comment of all time. Probably second because it’s technically impossible as the Zune is actually currently incompatible with Vista (or maybe that just makes it dirtier). We won’t tell you what the other comment was but it involved Hello Kitty and the Japanese word for something very naughty.

So, flush with the warm glow of Rip Ragged’s torrid opus, you should be set for the next ten days. Those of you in the states, have a happy Thanksgiving.

For those of you elsewhere…

Carry on.

158 thoughts on “So long, suckers!”

  1. I heard that the M$ beta Sex Bot doesn’t even have nipples. Also I heard it doesn’t have a Lesbian, Ninja, or Lesbian Ninja mode. Who would buy one of those…

    Oh the people who bought the Zune.

  2. The nice thing about Apple’s sexbot is that it is modular and can be accessorized. The third-party add-on market will be huge, rivaling that of the iPod. My start-up will be doing pirate-themed add-ons for it. We have functional peg-legs and hooks in development right now.

    Any suggestions on other accessories that will be popular with the lads and lasses?

  3. They need to be cheap enough that I can afford two. With just one, I’d still half to do half the work. What good is an electronic convenience that’s that labor intensive? It’s like washing the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Might as well just dry it and put it away. Or worse yet…buy a Zune.

  4. Apple Computer shares reached an all-time high Tuesday, rising $2.13, or 2 percent, to close at $88.60.

    Investors seemed to be responding to analyst predictions that 14 million iPods will be sold in the current fiscal quarter. They could also be anticipating the announcement of the oft-rumored Apple Pants, nicknamed the “iPants” and lately the subject of much speculation by bloggers, analysts, and more recently, gamblers.

    The gamblers of course are eagerly awaiting the Apple Sexbot, and….

    huh? No pants?


    Well then, I’ll be going now. Carry on.


  5. Oh…
    Someone here touched to a Zune…
    she’s a she…


    Del, are you lying on the lawn, or something ?

    who said size doesn’t matter ?
    It depends on which size you look from…

  6. It will soon dawn on Moltz that we can cope without him.

    CARS Posters Unite. Overthrow the Fascist running dog Moltz.

    Take CARS into National Ownership.

    Put him on trial for his unnatural practises and exploitation of the poster-workers.

    BTW Happy Thanksgiving John.

  7. OK another post from me, now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking: ‘laserweasels, half laser, half weasel, won’t they like… curdle or something?’ Or you’re thinking: ‘Is there anything cuter than “bloody GIR”’ Or: ‘do thoughts really go in quotation marks?’ No wait! That last one was me. Anyway, STOP! Stop thinking what you’re thinking and pay attention to what I have to say. Sure, it may not laugh–out–loud funny, it may not be witty (which is the same as laugh–out–loud funny but without the laughing), it may not be intelligent, it may not be sophisticated, it may not be grammatically correct or punctuated correctly, but what it is is… ah… is… well it’s.. well sorta forgotten now. But something else comes to mind, now I’m not a pervert or anything but am I the only one wondering about the colour of the touched Zune? Really, NOT a pervert.

    Rip, ah that makes perfect sense.

    Ace Deuce, this is kinda related to how I said earlier about not being a pervert, and you understand that I don’t suggest this on my own behalf, I just think that regarding accessories: tails and f… no, forget I said anything.

  8. If we want to talk modular sexbot features we need to get the Mega-Post back. I remember we had quite a few modular details worked out. Though most of them had to do with tab A or slot B.

  9. Obersturmführer John M. sold those technical details to Apple, months ago. That’s why it’s been closed.
    We are sheeps being shaved.
    Or sheets being saved. Or…
    Anyway, let’s all move to the KARSKommandantur and ask for some…
    …wages ?

  10. I was wondering about the codenames for the sexbots.

    “iGal” for the female version and “iGuy” for the male version? (Apple being the egalitarian company that it is, I fully anticipate models in both sexes.)

  11. They would sell more if they produced separate models.
    iGuy, IGal, iGayGuy, iGayGal, iSwingsBothWaysGuy, iSwingsBothWaysGal, iGuys&m, iGals&m etc.,etc.
    The only drawback, otherwise known as iGuymonk and iGalNun, is development time and many production lines.
    Here endeth the first lesson.

  12. Sexbots, sexbots, sexbots.
    You have to wonder don’t you? You have to wonder.

    . . .

    You do actually HAVE to wonder don’t you? Or have I been wondering unnecessarily?

  13. I hope I don’t have to wonder. If you add having to wonder to all the things I’ve gotta love, and gotta like, I’d be pretty busy just looking forward to all the things I won’t believe.

    What would blue ubuntu stew taste like? Don’t say ‘tooth.’ I already thought of that.

    The names Steve Ballmer, Bill Gates, and Paul Allen all have a double-L in them. So whenever you think of MS think Go 2L.

    After exhaustive research which took thousands of microprocessor clock cycles, I’ve discovered that “zune” in Portuguese means “zune” in English.

    I have the next four days off. I have to decide how to balance annoying CARS commenters and annoying my family.

  14. Mr. YoYo:
    I regret to inform you that you have indeed been wondering unnecessarily.
    The inevitable need not be wondered about.

    Thank you.

    Oh, and Rip- blue Ubuntu stew tastes like, well…. I’ll just say stick with the red or green. Less medical complications.


  15. Hey. I have an idea. Let’s start a pool.

    Everybody pick a number, and the person who gets closest to the price of a First Generation Zune on eBay next November 22nd gets a bright shiny quarter (or a Zune, whichever costs less to ship).

    My guess is they won’t even be there because the price of shipping will exceed the reserve.

  16. $4.25

    And no fair bidding on one just so it matches your guess!

    John buys the winner a beer too. (Travel not included. Winner must be of legal drinking age. For complete rules and exceptions yell at Rip. Elvis has left the building.)

  17. Now, how about the iPelvis sexbot. Now THAT’s more like what everyone else had in mind. Would be nice, though, to see them add limbs and a head. Vestigial, to be sure, but venal enough to vie for inclusion…

  18. sexbots run on betteries, don’t they? cause we’re on 220 V AC/DC over here and i wouldn’t want to fry my sexbot’s ass just by plugging her in (oh come you dirty minded juveniles). Hope they don’t fit sexbots with Sony batteries – don’t mind my sex to be hot, but those batteries really smoke!

  19. Sexbots run on batteries? Not fuel cells? This simply cannot be.

    “Yes sir, she runs on 24 AA batteries and you put them right……here.”

    “Dang, I had something else planned for right there.”

    Happy Thanksgiving

  20. No one must every forget the iSex pro. like all the other pro products it’s silver metallic finish and powerful components come at a price.

    But you get so much more!

  21. Rip, good idea but I already started a pool in my backyard but then it started to rain so I went inside and now it’s just a small muddy hole… a small muddy hole WITH A SPADE IN THE BOTTOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    However, I like your ‘pick a number’ idea. I pick $4.26

  22. I’m going for $4 even, because I want to leave room for postage. Also, if it looks like I can get one for less than that, I might buy one (brown) as a souvenir. Everything you need to remember about Microsoft in one functionless, square, dogturd-colored package.

  23. Probably because it has that cool Apple logo on it.

    I just hope the iPhone runs on Windows Mobile 5, because all of my non-functioning applications are in WM5 and I need to keep not using them. Not being able to read my email, remember an appointment, or find an address is very important to me. Also, Excel Mobile doesn’t let me run a small spreadsheet while I’m on the airplane. I’m worried that Apple might screw me all up.

    How can we be out of beer already?

  24. I’ll take two of those iMoltz sexbots please. The ones that just cum and go whenever they please. Oh yeh, and one of the optional snap-on gimp masks as well thanks.

  25. We don’t have time for this you guys!!!
    We all have to work on our addiction!?
    So give us DA SHIIIIIIIIT!!

  26. We don’t need John, that was proved with the Mega Post.

    Throw off your shackles, when John comes back we’ll sack him.

    Who cares if his three wives, twenty-three children and four sexbots starve to death? As long as we save the kittens and the ponies, it will be better place.

    Join the new future.

  27. During a revolution do you pillage and burn. Or do you burn and pillage? And I am for saving the kittens and ponies, but do we have to destroy ALL the sexbots? Can we save one or two for ummmm ‘re-education”?

  28. So how long after the Sexbot is released do you think it will come in colors? It took the iPod quite a while to break out of the white only mode. Or do you think an U2 model will be available right from the start.

    I think the green Sexbots would be very popular with the Captain Kirk wanabees.

  29. How about rape, pillage, AND burn? As long as we’re sacking, we might as well make an afternoon of it.

    Is it possible to rape a sexbot? Do they burn? And who will be responsible for Tiny Tim?

  30. Take it from me…. everything burns.

    If you have problems getting things to burn I have an iFlame I’d like to sell you.

    *warning burning a sexbot my void your warranty*

    Also Vitamin, since you are already to save the kittens and ponies, I’ll give you your first iFlame free! Just remember kids make sure BURN is the last thing you do or else the rape and pillage isn’t nearly as much fun.

  31. Because of my delicate sensibility, I find the thought of raping, sacking, pillaging, and burning to very revolting.

  32. Sorry everybody.
    I tries to burn it first and rape then.
    It was a mistake.

    Shall we hang the last molz with the guts of the last Entity ?
    Has the Entity even guts ?
    Isn’t Molz anaerobia ?
    Shall we put the knife out of our mouthes before we drink strong alcohols in skulls ?
    Has the Entity even a skull ?
    Why is Molz’s skull already filled with what appears to be strong alcohol ?

  33. Seems to me raping and burning can take place in either order, as long as you’re done with one before you start the other. Pillaging might need to be first, though.

    Isn’t there a documented procedure for this? I don’t think I have the current revision. Damnit. Three weeks in committee and still the process is broken.

  34. Don’t think for one minute that I’ll allow anyone to tell me how to rape, pillage and burn! I like doing all 3 simutaneously, it’s more exciting that way.

    If you try it that way once, you’ll never go back to separate sins. Why? Because you can’t feel much anymore after burning that which you are raping and pillaging – that sensation is so exquisite that everything else pales in comparison.

    Sigh – I am one warped motherfucker. Remember to follow the suggestions of those fowl slain creatures of the month – GOBBLE GOBBLE!!

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