So long, suckers!

Well, now…

Fortunately, someone in the comments of yesterday’s post wrote something so money that we really needn’t have even gotten out of bed. Frankly, we wish more of you commenters would make yourselves useful around here. You don’t all have to be witty. You could make some coffee or go out for donuts or something.

Setting an example for the rest of you slackers, commenter Rip Ragged came up with some absolutely filthy technology-inspired porn.

….her warm, moist vista engulfed my turgid Zune. “Ubuntu, ubuntu,” she repeated as she climbed from a husky whisper to a shrieking, wildly bucking crescendo, “UBUNTU, UBUNTU.”

I collapsed in her arms and murmured into her ear, “Welcome to the social.”

That’s either our first or second favorite dirty comment of all time. Probably second because it’s technically impossible as the Zune is actually currently incompatible with Vista (or maybe that just makes it dirtier). We won’t tell you what the other comment was but it involved Hello Kitty and the Japanese word for something very naughty.

So, flush with the warm glow of Rip Ragged’s torrid opus, you should be set for the next ten days. Those of you in the states, have a happy Thanksgiving.

For those of you elsewhere…

Carry on.

158 thoughts on “So long, suckers!”

  1. 100. The magick number. The square of ten. The sum of the squares of the first four integers. The sum of the first 9 prime numbers.

    And yet, 101 is somehow satisfying, in a non-numerical kind of way.

  2. Apple closed up $1.32, at $91.63 to finish out the Holiday week.

    9163 and 132 are both divisible by 11. This is the eleventh month of the eleventh year since Steve Jobs returned to Apple.

    I don’t know about you, but I think I can safely say that I have entirely too much time on my hands.

  3. Nice try Rip, nice try, but you can’t fool me so easily. Cubes, not squares, cubes. I nearly fell for your devious trickery.

  4. Not So Crazy Apple Help Desk

    Q: Hi I have a prototype iPhone, and was having trouble interfacing it to my Sexbot.
    A: Uh huh… And what exactly were you hoping to do after that?
    Q: Well, I wasn’t sure. I just wanted to do it.
    A: Do it.
    Q: Yes.
    A: Do it.
    Q: That’s what I said. Why?
    A: Nothing… So, what version of Sexbot do you have?
    A: What version?
    A: You DON’T have a Sexbot do you?
    Q: Well…
    A: And that ‘prototype’ looks just like a brown Zune.
    Q: Well, it wasn’t brown before I started…
    A: DUDE!!! Just stop there.
    Q: But..
    A: NO! Stop now!
    Q: Will it clean up?
    A: AAAGH. I have to go now.
    Q: So did I..


    Q: So, I..
    A: Before you start, this doesn’t have to do with..
    Q: No. It doesn’t.
    A: Good. Your question?
    Q: Well, I plan on overthrowing a blog site along with some others.
    A: Go on.
    Q: Well, we plan on raping, burning and pillaging.
    A: Ok.
    Q: What is the proper order to do all that?
    A: I would say that you would rape first, followed by pillaging, then burning the rest.
    Q: Not pillaging first?
    A: No. If you pillage first, you’ll have nowhere to put your plunder while you rape.
    Q: Oh. Thanks!
    A: No problem.


    Q: So, I have an iFlame, and plan on raping, pillaging and burning.
    A: Ok. What seems to be the problem. You sound like you’re all set.
    Q: What would be the proper setting for the iFlame?
    A: Ah. What software revision are you using?
    Q: 2b22
    A: Are you feeling vengeful or sadistic?
    Q: Of course.
    A: I suggest ‘Napalm-lite’ or ‘Flambé’.
    Q: Thanks!
    A: Um, could you point that somewhere else….

  5. I have this : “The Pocket Handbook For Perfect Invasion” by Attila T. Hun.
    We could cross informations, if I can put a hand on my Moghol/Rune-Old-Swedish dictionary.

  6. A more comprehensive tome might be:

    “Raping and Pillaging for Dummies”

    It’s a yellow cover, filled with large pictures. Well, mostly diagrams. You know, the circles, with the arrows…

  7. In Runes? Are these Zune usable runes? Or runes for goons on ubuntu afternoons?
    Or possibly Dune runes written in Atriedes battle language.

    Okay, one more beer, but then I really have to go.

    Where was I?

    Where am I?

    This is not going to look good on my resume.

  8. Good that we got the square vs. cube thing… umm.. squared away, so to speak. Now about the sum of those first 9 prime numbers…

  9. Shurj jing wjee don’sptz jneed jich moltch…

    Chorry…er…sorry. Not that used in having a knife between the teeth.



    Don’t know what I wanted to say…

    …oh, yes !
    Sure thing, we don’t need this Moltz to have interesting conversations !

  10. Before you guys go charging in with your pants down a large sack and an iFlame I think you should revisit the ‘Meet the Staff’ page and seriously consider your prospects for success. One of them is friggin talking dog for Pete’s sake. Furthermore, you have to consider that even if you succeed, without the guidance of the great Moltz CARS renown for factual, sophisticated, and intelligent discussion might dissolve in the ensuing wiki–like anarchy. Sure life would go on without CARS as we now know it, but it just wouldn’t be the same. I’d probably get more done for a start.

    p.s. I am not a toady.
    p.p.s. Nxxx did you only have bark to play with when you were a kid?

  11. Before I go up against the wall I would like to share with you a zunified version of a joke I heard today. Perhaps you have all heard it, but I hadn’t.

    A man left his Zune in the back seat of his car with the window rolled down. After leaving his vehicle and walking only a few blocks, he suddenly realized his mistake and hurried back – but it was too late! Someone had ALREADY left another Zune next to the first.

  12. Wiki-like anarchy as opposed to……?

    HEYY would seem to be correct. Based on a look at the staff page, we probably ought to leave things alone from the standpoint of arson, rapine, and looting. I mean, what would be the point?

    Also, we should all appreciate the value of the insightful, timely, and precise information we are treated to here. You just can’t get this kind of quality from any randomly selected, Tacoma-based, apple-centric, weblog entirely laid out in a sans serif typeface.

    Further, at some point in the RPB process, someone will have to acknowledge Ugluk. I am not volunteering for that detail. I have a subsequent engagement.

  13. Hey, I love the “for Dummies” series of books–they’re so lucid. I have “Crash Testing for Dummies” and “Ventriloquism for Dummies.”

    Overall, my favorite “How To” book has to be the classic “How to Read This Book,” by The Author of This book. I’m almost done: I’m on the last chapter, How to Finish Reading This Book by Reading This Entire Chapter. The section on turning pages is invaluable, and applicable to any book.

  14. Oh you did NOT just go there!!!

    Of all the low, dirty, inhumane things!


    Medium rare, please.

  15. No bread on mine. I’m watching my carbs.

    Speaking of watching. It isn’t stalking if she used to like you and she still should, is it?

    Not that I mean anything by that.

    Del, I need to know if you’ve found a good way to get Zune off of your fingers. I don’t want to touch one unless the stuff will come off. You’re still okay, right?

  16. Listen all you rapist, pillagers and burners, while Moltz is away someone announces that they have a working prototype of a Mac Tablet PC.

    Now, I tried a couple of times to come up with a witty story, but am not having a very creative day today. But surely one of us can come up sith something Moltz-like or even better!

    And I’d like my burger rare please……

  17. Cupertino, 11/26/06–

    In what has become a 30+ tradition for the company, Apple today did not introduce a tablet computer. Apple today also did not introduce an mobile phone, a car that runs on tap water, or a Sirloin Steak Sandwich on ciabatta bread. Steve Jobs did announce to an anonymous source that he had to take “a major dump.” The source reveals that Steve has been like that since he ate a little too much tofurkey on Thursday.

    DoD, how was that?

  18. RR, not bad (except for the poor proof reading on the initial post. LOL), though I was thinking along the lines of ‘After Apple announces the introduction of their new Mac-Tablet line of personal computers. Microsoft introduce their Mac-Tablet killer, the Prune-Tablet, available in turd-brown or chunder-green, both of which not only help you take notes during lectures, but also keep you regular’.

    You know what, after reading that, it’s really not at all funny – maybe I should accept my role of getting coffee and pizza for Moltz, and leave being witty up to you RR, and also Huh?

  19. Actually yours is pretty funny, but implausible. Microsoft introducing a [insert name of Apple product]-killer this early in the game would be too creative for Redmond. Another implausible aspect of your article is that the product will actually do something. On second thought, that made it funnier.

    I’ve been looking at the Zune (Andy Ihnatko did a scathing review….it’s linked in Mac Daily News). The nasty thing looks just like an iPod would look if it had been designed in Redmond. By which I mean: Designed by Nazi geneticists for testing in Auschwitz. It looks totally like the Windows version of iPod. it would be tragic if it wasn’t so damned funny. Everything MS does looks like that. It’s depressing in a laugh-until-I-almost-pee-my-pants kind of way.

    The weird thing is, people buy that crap, struggle to make it work, then assume it doesn’t work because they are too stupid to operate it.

    Coffee and pizza? What time?

  20. The poor editing, far from detracting, helps to give it that authentic Moltzy feel.

  21. Time is running out on MoltzCoup.
    We have an alternative Help Desk writer, several New Daily Topic writers and over 120 posts proving take over is possible.
    We need one more volunteer.
    The rest of the staff have agreed terms, you’ve got to tell Ugluk, face to face.

  22. I was going to make a joke involving pizza, not feeling so good, and a play on the similarity between ‘dodgy burger’ and ‘doggy burger’. But come on guys, I can’t make a joke about eating of a cute widdle doggy-woggy.

  23. Oh and Portuguese fighting rats, I was going to mention Portuguese fighting rats. In fact that was the funniest bit, hehehe, cracks me up just thinking about it.
    . . .
    . . .
    . . .
    Come on, is that so hard to believe, that I came up with something funny?

  24. Three in row, go for one more, go for it…
    OK, I’m done.
    For now.
    Don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.

  25. Now you’ve gone and let the rat out of the bag. Once PETA finds out about it, an entire culture will be ridiculed and persecuted out of existence. Not to mention the incomes of dozens of operators and afastado do furo do rato betting parlors.

    I’m pretty upset about Howard, though. A perfectly serviceable canine, from all reports. Then someone said, “cute widdle doggy-woggy.” Well, it’s got me pretty choked up, I’ll tell you. That and I haven’t even gotten my burger yet.

    I’ve softened my stance on the whole Rape, Pillage and Burn idea. Especially since Ugluk looks so much like he needs a hug.

  26. Manpower Resources Director needed.
    Have you the negotiating abilities required to tell an armed Neanderthal that he is surplus to requirements?
    CARS reorganisation committee needs to hear from you urgently.

  27. Ok I’m confused on the Dogburger thing. A hamburger isn’t made out of ham so a dogburger wouldn’t be made out of dog. Now I’m wondering what was in the dogburgers you all ate. Did it taste like Zune? They’ve got to get rid of the extra’s in some way.

  28. Do you think we can get this string to #148? That’s twice the number of my favorite element.

  29. Oh, and I am *NOT* applying for the Manpower Resources Director position. Let Moltz do it when he gets back.

    138; ten more to go!

  30. A Hamburger is someone from Hamburg, so a Dogburger is someone from Dogburg.

    Cannibalism: A German Shepherd eating a Hamburger.

  31. The coup will fail unless, we can con some idiot into sacking, sorry please ignore those words, some kind and generous person would like to make friends with Ugluk.
    Rip Ragged, you wanted to give Ugluk a hug, if we introduce you and leave you for a personal hug, would you give him this envelope, it contains cards.

  32. Coup will fail!!!????? Does that mean all the chickens (and possibly deep fried ostrich and roasted penguins) would be freed?

  33. (pulls Del aside)
    Um… Del…. It’s pronounced ‘coo’, not ‘coop’.

    Right, then! Nothing to see here!

  34. Thank you Del, that truly made my day!
    Almost fell out of my chair on that one.

    Welcome back John. You…. might want to watch your step around here for a while.

  35. A Cheeseburger is someone from Cheeseburg

    p.s. Rip I got a laugh from auto-translating your Portuguese

  36. Hey Doc Daneeka, I saved it for you!

    Hate to break it for you, though. There is no element 148. You could try Neodymium-148, although pretty quickly it would become Cerium-144. Hey, watch out for that alpha particle!

    Hey John, is it snowing for you folks down in Tacoma also?

  37. We just have to get this to #148 – not sure why, but it certainly seems like a sound idea.

    Anyone want to tell Moltz that we are so NOT French (tho the Zune could be big in France).

Comments are closed.