CARS Announces "Month of Security Dicks"

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Following up on yesterday’s announcement of the “Month of Apple Bugs”, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is pleased to announce that in January it will host the “Month of Security Dicks”.

Editor in Chief John Moltz said today that the “Month of Security Dicks” will highlight one complete and utter dick from the world of professional security a day.

“From George Ou to HD Moore, the professional security world is clearly rife with absolute pricks whose egos are matched in size only by their rapacious desire to get a fictitious Mac user they’ve constructed in their heads,” Moltz said.

Each profile in the “Month of Security Dicks” will provide a detailed list of the dickish security professional of the day’s feverish rants against the supposed cabal of brain-washed Mac users who believe OS X has no bugs. Each will also receive a relative rating of his ego using the technology industry-standard Ebrahimi index.

“Frankly, we were a little worried that a month might be giving the topic short shrift,” Moltz added. “There are apparently a lot of security dicks. But, at the same time, having to cover these jackasses for a month will be like a dose of the clap.”

Moltz said that he hopes the dicks in the security profession learn something from the “Month of Security Dicks”.

“If I had to pick one thing, I guess I’d like them to learn that they’re dicks,” Moltz said.

“That’d pretty much be it.”

The “Month of Security Dicks” will run from January 1st to January 31st 2007 on Crazy Apple Rumors Site, unless the point’s already been made.

52 thoughts on “CARS Announces "Month of Security Dicks"”

  1. I agree… bringing dickishness to the foreground can only help those who don’t know that there are security dicks… even though we all know Dick Tracy.

  2. I love it when John gets all righteous on people’s asses.

    Hey, I haven’t posted tonight. How come it says I have to wait 15 seconds?

  3. please don’t make me think about the things I’ve done, it’s waaay to early for some of that stuff

  4. Wait wait wait, when does this Month of Security Dicks run for again?

    BTW 12th for the second time in a row.

  5. There apparently is a lot to look forward to in the new year… or rather to watch out for.

    C’mon Moltz, make those dicks fight for CARS coverage!


  6. I just wanted to be thirteen again… Oh wait, I had terrible acne when I was thirteen… and my brother kicked the crap out of me. Can I be eighteen instead? Hey, if I say that I can’t wait for the Month of Security Dicks, does that make me gay? I mean.. there’s nothing wring with that or anything, but…

    Never mind.

  7. Damn! Ventzi beat me to thirteen, and I had a spelling error. Not only that, but I’m still pissed off that I didn’t win any CRAP. It just isn’t fair.

  8. My dyslexia must be kicking in; I thought you said

    “the professional security world is clearly rife with absolute egos whose pricks are matched in size only by their rapacious desire to get a fictitious Mac user…”

    What’s wrong with that picture?

  9. It takes a post like these to realize that there really are no women that read CARS. If there were, they would have thier hands full with a comment like “dickishness.”

  10. January, 2007, The Month of Security Dicks.

    Seems like an awful wasted of desktop real esatate.

    How about something like “LMH is a dick,” somewhere in the text each month. I mean, anything more – links to their idiotic rambling and such – would make them think they are important enough to warrant someone reading their supercilious horseshit.

    Not that I would ever suggest that Brian Krebs is a dick, but that’s the sort of thing I mean.

  11. These sheriffs of security, guardians of code, night-watchmen of all that is holey (no mispelling intended) should get all the time and coverage they deserve.

    Post their initials, no links. We’ve all wasted too much emotional energy and valuable time following up this nonsense, when we could be doing something useful like posting to CARS, a truly worthwhile use of resources.

    Plus I think I have a chicken bone caught in my throat. AAAHHKK! There, I’m better now.

    Thanks for your concern.

  12. Hey Colonel! Get your ass off my lawn!

    Your house is two doors down! Didja forget again?

  13. ‘;ERROR parsing comment;
    “Can’t be bothered”

    (C)ancel (R)etry (S)tab self-rightous git-faced security “Professional” dicks in the eye with pliers

    CARS:~ buthidae$ S

  14. After this is over, you could have the “Month of Pundit Dicks”.

    But if your goal is to teach these people they’re dicks, good luck with that. Paul Thurrott and Rob Enderle will never learn.

  15. What about Security Dick envy? Could we see an escalation of dickishness, as one tries to show he is a bigger dick?

    Just asking.

    By the way, has any one seen my youth. I seemed to have left it somewhere?

  16. What about the magic hole in the ozone of Airport wirelessness that didn’t involved Apple hardware unless it did which was never proved nor disproved because the magic hole never really existed even though it may have but made Ou and those other dickweeds notable in the arena of fictitious security problems during the Security Bitch week? Does that count for anything?

  17. In other news I saw my first iPod today.
    No I have not been living under a rock. Well, unless you count the one superglued to the top of my head.

  18. Like you I thought of supergluing a furball to the top of my head, but rocks… well… they rock don’t they. A bit heavy though.

  19. Well, being a dick ain’t so bad. See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because… pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also-fuck-assholes, Chuck. And if they didn’t fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit

  20. I can’t wait to see what the site comes up with. I didn’t think Mac fanboys knew enough about security to even name 30 people in the industry.

    PS: My vag hurts!

  21. Sad thing is that all of the security folk out there will be pissed off if not included, will be pissed off if you include journalists, and already think it is a great idea and can’t wait for you to start! I think it is hilariously funny, and I *hope* that is how you intended the security dicks to take it. Good luck and keep up the excellent work!

  22. More security bitchwatch!!! yay!!!
    My second most favorite thing behind the Help Desk.

    In fact, everything goes better with Security Bitches.

    Like, “you’re mean and your Security Bitch mother dresses you funny.”
    “Reality is just a crutch for Security Bitches who can’t handle drugs.”

    It’s gonna be an awesome month.

  23. Ooops. I got carried away. Security Dick watch.
    Got all carried away by bitchfest and started having visions of Security Lindsay and Security Paris secure bitchslapping.

    My bad.

    Somehow “My Security Dick is sooo big it is opensource…” just ain’t quite the same.

    Man this feels like friday.

  24. If I was a security dick I think I’d call myself Johnny Cache, because that’s such a clever turn of phrase. Then I’d cobble together a totally non-standard system specifically so that it would allow me to hack it and then I’d claim I hacked a Mac when all I really did was hack a system I built to allow me to hack it.

    Not that I would ever become a security dick.

    Please pass the gherkins. Thanks.

  25. Whoa. Looks empty.

    Hello! (hello)

    I have the whole place to myself.

    Everybody must be watching Jeopardy!. Nobody here. Just me, the ninja lesbian sexbot, a pony, and whole rack full of toothbrushes. I sure hope Moltzy has some Miracle Whip in the fridge.

    Too bad I have to get up early tomorrow.

  26. Security dick envy – isn’t that when you’re jealous because you have to work while your Winblows compatriots busy themselves trying to find out why their computers freeze up after booting, or at least busy themselves scanning the computer repeatedly for viruses, then adware, then spyware, then other undefined malware?

    Just wondering.

    Loved the Team America quote lolz, if you hadn’t done it I would have had to.

    Best unoffensive holiday wishes to all, happy new year and all that shit. I guess this is appropriate in today’s crazy world …

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; plus a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher.”

    (Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

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