Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I read your piece yesterday about how you lied to us about covering Macworld.
A: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah. That. That whole… lyin’ thing. Kinda funny, huh?
Q: No. I mean, if the Macworld reports are all fake, how can we trust you about anything?
A: Trust us? We’re a rumors site. Do you trust Apple Insider? Do you trust MacRumors? Do you trust MacOSRumors? Do you trust MacOSXRumors? Do you trust, uh… what’s the other one?
Q: MacOSXMacOSMacMacMaccityMacMacRumors.
A: Yeah, them. Do you trust them?
Q: Well, no. But you were different, man. You didn’t hide behind some pseudonym like some little girl.
A: Little girls hide behind pseudonyms?
Q: Little… evil ones. So, what is real on the site? If you’ve lied about your Macworld coverage, what can we trust you on?
A: Uh, let’s see… the legal disclaimer and the link to the store.
Q: The link to the…
A: But not actually the store itself. Uh, there are some lies in there.
Q: There are lies in the store?
A: The shirts. Don’t trust them. The mug is OK. But watch out for the button.
Q: Uh…
A: Those things’ll stab you just as soon as look at you.
Q: Is… is that just some sort of design flaw?
A: Possibly. But can you really take the chance?
Q: Well… uh… I don’t… Oh, for crying out loud, now I can’t even remember what the hell I was asking you!
A: I think it was something about the Apple phone.
Q: It was not!

Q: I’m really confused about this whole options scandal. Can you explain it in simple language that a layman can understand?
A: Oh, I’ll do better than that. I’ll get Ugluk to explain it in language simple enough that a proto-human can understand it!
Q: Awesome!
A: Ugluk?
Q: Ur?
A: Can you explain the Apple stock options issue for us?
UGLUK: Nnn. Ahem. First there is the backdating issue. Jobs was issued 7.5 million options in 2000 with a strike price set at a date earlier than the grant date. This netted Jobs a windfall of the difference between the stock price at the strike date and the grant date. You see, if Jobs were to have sold those options, he would have collected the difference between whatever the strike price was on the options and the value of the stocks at the time. By setting the date back to when the price was lower, the company was affording Jobs compensation without a tax implication. This in itself was not illegal if properly reported. This brings us to our second issue: the accounting. This is where the illegalities would have occurred and Apple has steadfastly maintained that Jobs was unaware of the accounting implications. The options were not properly accounted for, forcing the company to restate earnings in the amount of $84 million. Furthermore the grant was not approved at a full board meeting as required by Apple’s compensation policy and the company falsely reported that it was. The company has now resolved the issue of the accounting with it’s filing of a 10-Q with the SEC and it continues to maintain that Jobs was not involved in the improper reporting.
Q: Wha… well, that didn’t help at all! I didn’t understand a word of that!
A: Ugluk, have you been reading the Wall Street Journal again?! Bad Neanderthal! Bad!
UGLUK: Rrrah! Groooonk! It not Wall Street Journal! It Financial Times! And you no want Ugluk read it then you stop leaving it in men’s room stall!

Q: I saw last week that Linksys announced an “iPhone” and I’m really worried now that Apple won’t be announcing a phone. I’m just not sure if my life is worth living if there isn’t going to be a big announcement at Macworld.
A: Oh, c’mon. Don’t say that. I mean… you’ve got your… uh… you’ve got that…
Q: Yeah?
A: That… thing… that you do… with, uh, the… poodles?
Q: I don’t do anything with poodles.
A: Oh. I thought… oh, no, that’s Larry. OK. OK. Well, uh, you still collect beer cans, right?
Q: No. My mom recycled my collection last year.
A: What? Oh, man. You had some primo cans.
Q: I know.
A: OK. That’s OK. ‘Cause… you’ve still got… oh, no, wait, you’re not dating her anymore, are you?
Q: Mindy?
A: Maybe. Was she the one who looked like Art Buchwald in a leotard?
Q: Thanks. Man, why did everyone say that?
A: OK, but that just means that you’ve got room in your life now to meet your soul mate. You just need to get out and start dating.
Q: …
A: Oooooooooh. I’m sorry. I forgot about the… whole Segway accident and the colostomy bag.
Q: Well, that makes one of us. ‘Cause, I sure haven’t forgotten, what with the constant sloshing…
A: Well, hey, hey, hey. There’s always the Apple tablet. And the lightweight laptop. And the true video iPod! You’ve got to stay positive. Steve Jobs is gonna pull you out of this and give you a reason to go on living! I’m 100 percent sure of it, Gordy!
Q: Well… OK. I’ll keep living for another week and a half. But If there’s nothing big at Macworld I’m not waiting for some fricking late-January special event.
A: Fair enough. Boy, they sure do make it hard for a guy to know when to off himself, don’t they?
Q: You’re tellin’ me. It used to be there were two times a year they’d give you a reason to live. Now one could come at any time, but I’ll tell you, I just don’t have the patience for that.
A: I don’t blame you. Not one bit.

69 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. What do the Q and A stand for? I’m guessing Quagmire and Antelope, but I could be wrong.

  2. 2ABP: Actually the world divides very nicely into three groups only if you call them two groups. Of course, you have to make several assumptions about the fourth and fifth groups, which, if they don’t cooperate, can cause dissension among the the seventh, eighth and twelfth groups. The sixth, ninth, tenth and eleventh groups (technically subgroups) can all be lumped into a thirteenth group which I call “Clyde.”

    More on this later.

    Stewardess, can I have some more Raisinettes please?

  3. I thought they stood for Quintessential and Antimony. If not I’ll have to reread the entire archive of Friday Help Desk in a new context. Or possibly a new teddy.


  4. Fuckin’ A, yeah! Just a little over two hours to go for the West Coast! happy New Year, all!

    And I’m in the same state as Rip Ragged. That’s got to be good for my karma.

    CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR’S SEXBOT INTRO!!! Wait, was that real. I wasn’t paying attention.

  5. In just a bit less than an hour and a half, it will be 2007.

    I hope is still is when I get up. I’m going to bed.

    What a drag it is getting old…….

  6. Someone set off fireworks. Scads of them. Near enough to my house that I heard them with my bleeding hearing aids on the night stand.


    Happy New Year.

  7. Rip,
    As long as it didn’t affect your truss or colostomy bag, what are you worried about?

  8. Nxxxx.

    You’re right. My walker still only needs one new wheel, and I got my toupee back from the cat. I should be more optimistic.

    Happy | 2007, everybody.

  9. Rip,
    Thanks for the promotion, the extra star, just remember that you WILL feel better when you wake up tomorrow, if you do wake up……………..

  10. Rip,
    Don’t worry about the missing wheel on your walker, I’ve fitted ‘Go faster’ stripes, ‘Turbo’ and ‘Mac’ stickers to mine and can reach speeds of almost three quarters of a mile an hour. Just off to check out the Speed Cameras.

  11. It’s the first (okay, the second but you know what I mean) and that means Apple Bug Month is here!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!! Everyone run in panic!! The first exploit is in Quicktime. Disable Quicktime, delete it and totally get off the intertubes whatever you do.

  12. Hello!!?? Where is Moltz on the Bug Month thing? I need someone to tell me what to think.

    Rip. Those shorts? Rethink them. Your knees are… Just rethink them.

  13. Um, guys… Those AREN’T his knees…

    Besides, he’s banning livestock from his blogsite.

  14. I’m not banning all livestock. Just livestock without badges.

    Whassamatter with my knees? I just had them painted. You can’t get that kind of scroll work at just any auto body shop, either.

    I’m insulted.

    Waitress, we’re out of chick peas here.

  15. Badgers? Badgers?!?
    We don’ need no stinkin Badgers!

    Oh, and while we’re on the subject, I believe there’s some soup in my fly.

  16. Here we go again. Over and over I tell you kids, sit up straight, don’t pick your noses at the table, and don’t eat soup with the salad fork.

    Clean up crew to the canned goods aisle please.

Comments are closed.