Archive for February, 2007

28 FebNew Beta Coming From Parallels.

Parallels announced yesterday that Parallels Desktop is out of beta and now provides compatibility with Leopard and Vista.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has plans to expanded its product line-up beyond merely allowing Mac OS X and other platforms to run other operating systems in separate environments.

Parallels Desktop for Reality, expected to go into beta shortly, goes one step further, allowing separate bubble universes to form on any computer running Windows 2000, XP, Vista, Mac OS X, and releases of Linux that do not contain the word “foobar” in source-code comments.

Desktop for Reality uses the hypervisor feature of modern processors to tear small rents in the fabric of time and space, and then encapsulate those in a graphical user interface. Because processors can calculate at rates that allow relativistic effects to appear in each window’s frame (or window) of reference, time can be slowed or sped up within each bubble universe.

For instance, a Photoshop rendering operation that might take 100 years in regular time can be launched in a virtual window in which time is sped up to a factor of 100,000 relative to our own. While this would require a display that could handle 1024 by 1920 parsecs to display, Desktop for Reality can scale to fit. Also, sources warns that Photoshop images will be red-shifted or blue-shifted, depending on time dilation and the observer position in our universe, and require additional color correction.

Sources believe that its Incoherence mode will be used the most, however. In Incoherence, fundamental events in the computer history timeline can be modified before a bubble reality is launched. The beta comes preloaded with “Woz decides to keep building calculators for HP,” “Jeff Bezos was killed in that helicopter crash and replaced with a robot named Amazon Prime,” and “IBM buys MS-DOS outright from Ballmer, Gates, instead of licensing it.”

Preliminary release notes for the beta of Desktop for Reality say that side effects may include vertigo, nausea, and hallucinations due to the computer’s localized control over the creation of bubble universes and time flow, but only because they need to tweak the USB 2.0 drivers a bit further. They also warn that you should make sure and leave Ironic Outcome unchecked in the Edit menu, as it might result in you being trapped within a universe of your own making in which Mac OS X never existed.

27 FebApple Clarifies Apple TV Delay.

Sources close to Apple revealed today that the Daylight Savings Time Update package for Tiger and Panther contain a special enhancement required for use of the upcoming Apple TV media adapter: February 2007, will have 63 days in it.

Due to Apple’s promise to deliver the Apple TV “in February, and their failure to have product ready by the traditional end of the month, which contains 28 days in years other than leap years, CEO Steve Jobs opted to manipulate the calendar for his purposes.

“Technically, by agreeing to our software licensing terms, Mac users also agree to be governed by the Stephorian calendar which, admittedly, is a term I just made up,” said Apple senior vice president for worldwide marketing, Phil Schiller, who asked to not be identified in association with this article.

“Under the conditions of that license, Apple can make arbitrary changes to the length of a second or a day, or change the length of months and years,” Schiller said.

“Actually, if you read it closely, we can pretty much do anything we want. I can’t believe you people just click through those things.

“A lot of our customers have been asking us for 30-hour days and 10-day weeks for a while. Yes, we know they were kidding, but it’s too late for jokes now, folks.”

Along with the 63-day February, the year following 2009 will be known as 200X, and Bill Gates’s birth date, along with the birth dates of all his children – but not Melinda, for some reason – will be removed from future Apple calendars.

Because the ubiquitous iPod also uses the same set of calendars, the changes are expected to gain immediate popularity. Linux users will be required to develop their own patches to conform to the Apple calendar. As Apple is unlikely to license the Stephorian calendar for Windows, users of that platform will soon be called “February 63rd Fools” and be forced to move to a small rural community in Indiana.

The Apple TV is schedule to ship by Feb. 63rd, unless further developments make the cancellation of summer necessary.

26 FebEditorial: Where's My Fricking Second iPhone?

I know everyone’s wound up about the AppleTV delay that was announced today, but I’d like to talk to you about another Apple product that we haven’t seen yet.

You will remember that late last year it was widely konfirmed that the iPhone would be quickly followed by a second iPhone with special features of some kind or another.

I don’t really remember what they were and it’s not really germane to this argument. What’s important is that Apple has failed to deliver.

And, no, “konfirmed” is not a typo. That’s how we spell it on the Apple rumor business.

Because, well, “confirmed” would technically be innacurate. But, as part of the rumor site code of ethics, a story can only be run once it has been “konfirmed”, which means that it has been sourced by not one but a minimum of two anonymous emails. Or Slashdot posts. Either one.

Or Crazy Larry who lives under the freeway bridge. He’s good.

But it’s high time that Apple admit that rumor sites, like the Pope, are infallible.

“Oh, come on, Moltz,” you say. “Infallible?

“The Pope’s not infallible.”

Well, look, that’s really between you and the Catholic Church – I’m not getting into that – but I can assure you that rumor sites are infallible, regardless of your feelings on the Papacy, Vatican II or the teachings of Mel Gibson.

How does this work? Let’s say I write that Apple is going to come out with an update to the Newton. If Apple then releases an update to the Newton, I’m right and I get a job blogging for ZDNet. If Apple doesn’t release an update to the Newton, I simply say that an angry Steve Jobs cancelled the project when it was reported on a rumor site and I get a job blogging for ZDNet.

Either way, I get a job blogging for ZDNet and I’m living the rich life, hanging out in the luxurious ZDNet bloggers lounge with George Ou and going on beer runs with Jason O’Grady!

Wait a minute, why the hell would I want to do that?

I’m assuming they pay those goofballs, but it’d have to be an awful lot to make it…

Anwyay, the point is, Apple, you’re gonna release a second iPhone. It’s already been konfirmed, so let’s have it.

C’mon.

I don’t have all day.

Now would be a good time.

Nnnnnn…

Nnnnnn…

NOW!

OK, no, really.

I’ll just be sitting over here minding my own business.

La-la-la-la-la…

Just wa-tching Heroes

La-la…

NOW!

OK, look, I can do this all day, so…

NOW!

Well, fine. If that’s the way you want it, Apple.

Look for our exclusive report tomorrow entitled “ANGRY, BITTER STEVE JOBS CANCELS SECOND IPHONE!”

As soon as we get it konfirmed, of course.

23 FebFriday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today – all iPhone, all the time!


Q: I am, of course, going to get an iPhone the moment they’re available. Mostly because of the interface and the feature set. But also… um… I’ve heard… well, it’s widely rumored that… uh, the iPhone will have a noticeably positive effect on… uh… the size of my…

A: Johnson?

Q: My package.

A: Your junk?

Q: My stuff.

A: Your unit?

Q: My family jewels.

A: Your hey, now, how do ya do?

Q: My meat and potatoes.

A: Your frank and beans?

Q: My bangers and mash.

A: Your cucumber salad?

Q: My freeway and onramps.

A: Your Wallace and Gromit?

Q: My catalytic… My “Wallace and Gromit”?

A: Yeah. Your tube sock.

Q: Ah! My trouser luggage!

A: Your soap on a rope!

Q: My hard drive!

A: Your roll of mints!

Q: My… uh… braunschweiger…?

A: Your… um… bakery-fresh cruller?

Q: Uh… sure. So, anyway, is that true?

A: Uh… what was the question?

Q: I was hoping you would remember.


Q: I’m kind of interested in the iPhone, but I have some concerns.

A: Lay ’em on me.

Q: OK, well, it looks awfully slippery. Is it going to slip out of my hand all the time? I can’t afford to buy one every month, you know.

A: Never fear. Already there are several third-party solutions in the works that will make it less slippery. Griffin Technologies, for instance, is going to make a 40-grit sandpaper that you can use to put some really nice grooves into your iPhone.

Q: Oh. OK. That sounds good.

A: Should give you a nice grip.

Q: And possibly void my warranty.

A: Uh… yeah. And that.

Q: But I’m also concerned about heat. It seems like the iPhone’s probably going to run a little hot and I’m worried about having it pressed up against my face for a long time.

A: Oh, don’t worry about that. Kensington is going to make a Bluetooth crotch adapter.

Q: A what?

A: You put your iPhone in your pants and then you just use a Bluetooth headset.

Q: You mean I put my iPhone in my pants pocket, right?

A: No. In your pants.

Q: Why would I do that?

A: Uh, to use the Bluetooth headset? Helloooo?

Q: Um…

A: Also, it keeps your junk warm.

Q: Oh, let’s not go there again.

A: Um… OK.


Q: I’ve got a concern I haven’t seen addressed in any of the literature I’ve read about the iPhone so far.

A: Shoot.

Q: If I’m holding the unit up to my head and my hand is covering most of it, how are people going to know I’m using an iPhone?

A: Well, that is going to be a problem. How do you effectively project your iPhone user status to the masses?

Q: Right.

A: I don’t have an Apple-endorsed answer or a third-party solution for you here, but I can tell you what I intend to do.

Q: What’s that?

A: Work it into the conversation.

Q: Huh?

A: Well, let’s say I’m calling my buddy to see what time we’re meeting at a bar. I ring him up and I say as loudly as I can “Hey, man, I just wanted to call you on MY IPHONE to see what time we’re meeting for beers.”

Q: Oh, yeah! So, like, “Hey, Gloria, I just got MY NEW APPLE IPHONE and I wanted to call you on MY NEW APPLE IPHONE so you’d be the first to know that I HAVE SYPHILIS!

A: …

Q: Kind of like that, right?

A: Uhh… I don’t think you need to emphasize that last part.

Q: Oh, but the people at the clinic were very specific about that. “Make sure she knows it’s syphilis,” they said.

A: Oh. OK. But does everyone else need to know?

Q: Um… I didn’t ask them that.

22 FebJobs Continues To Express Himself.

When Apple CEO Steve Jobs came out against DRM two weeks ago, Apple fans cheered.

When Jobs lit into teachers’ unions last week, some Apple fans supported him while others said he had gone too far.

Now Jobs has pushed the envelope even further. In an 18-page diatribe, the mercurial Apple CEO hauled off on kittens today, sparking another round of controversy.

Here’s a small sample:

Cats, while destructive and useless in nearly every other regard, at least have the singular advantage that you can train them to poop in a box. Not so with kittens.

They are worthless. A blight upon humanity. If Apple did not have to fear an expensive lawsuit from the powerful and criminal kitten-lovers lobby, I would direct it to develop technologies aimed at eradicating these vermin from the face of the earth.

I, personally, have created preliminary schematics for several devices that would incinerate kittens through the use of highly concentrated photon beams. I implore the Bush administration, the U.S. Congress, the Massachussetts Institute of Technology, the Jet Propulsion Laboratories and the Anti-Kitten League to devote all of their funding to researching these vital technologies. Once designed, Apple will happily produce them for free.

Imagine a world without these sofa-scratching, mewling terrorists that can barely hold up their freakishly big-eyed heads.

That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

While most denounced Jobs’ most recent statement, some Apple fans actually came out in support of it.

“Kittens are evil little stuffed socks that move,” said Mac user Sam Marcus. “Long have I waited for someone to speak out against these tiny monsters.

“Although, I wish he’d have said something about when the new iMacs are coming out. I mean, should I buy one now or wait? C’mon, Steve, throw me a bone, here.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs is not finished expressing himself and in the coming weeks is expected to go off on other normally inviolate targets such as cocoa, oxygen, and the nape of Jennifer Connelly’s neck.