Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch.

You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.

Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.

There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.

Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.

Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.

Of course, we’ve only just met so…

I should probably give them some time.

…

Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?

2,949 thoughts on “Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch.”

  2. I think we may have to open up a chain of Kentucky Fried iPrairiedogs. And one day, as we twirl our forks in a side of iCantbelieveheatethewholething with a pat of iCantbelieveitsbutter, we will look tearfully at a world full of tunnels and know we have changed the fate of the world. And what should we ask ourselves? That the transoceanic tunnel along fault lines caused the disappearance of Tahita and few surrounding islands? That one day we will rue the unholialliance of iLaser and iFlame equipped rodents and sexbots? That shiny things are dis…..that shiny things….., that shiny things are distracting? None of those things. Having created the world’s tallest mountain of mud in Indiana, excavated much of the Midwest substructure, and probably created a zoological apocalypse between prairie dogs and badgers, we shall ponder who has more interesting navel lint-Moltz, Gruber or Woz.

    Alex, I will take Gravesites of Famous Chiropractors for $1000

  3. With Vitamin Fortified waxing philosophic, philosophic will become shiny and distracting.

    I hope Tahita doesn’t disappear — I was waiting for her new CD.

  4. Good idea Vitamin, but who, amongst this lot with the exception of the beloved Mr. Moltz and the Colonel, would you trust with the secret herb recipe?

    BTW wonder if Sanders and Disgusted are related?

  5. Nxxx. Thanks. I am afraid that with a Zsa Zsa sexbot and a few beers, Moltz will be as open as a Wnodows 98 with a direct broadband connection. I think we should go with the Colonel. He will shoot no questions asked, and if a few innocents were harmed, they had no business there anyway.

    If Disgusted and Sanders are not related, I am sure they shared a foxhole or two.

    I will take open source secret recipes for $200, Alex.

  7. I’ll take Vermeer’s “Milk Maid” for $1000, Alex.

    No, I meant the actual painting.

    Really? Then never mind.

  8. I guess I need to pay closer attention. Will iPrairiedogs be bundled with Vista and available in “Regular” and “Extra Crispy,” or will I have to download the service pack to get extra mashed potatoes and gravy? Will iPrairiedogs even run on Vista, or will they merely saunter due to the increased system requirements? When upgrading a Dell computer to accommodate Vista, is RAM considered a noun or a verb?

    I’ll take Harvard Graduate NASCAR Drivers for $200 please, Alex.

  9. Rip,
    Having just watched Daytona 500, those guys NEED a business degree to deal with all their money. Saw Montoya managed to set fire to his car. Brilliant, never managed that in a MacLaren but it would have been worth the look on Ron’s face.

  10. I’ve found out something very important. Tune in later for the grand unveiling of my epic discovery!

    MARK

  12. I’ve been sitting on this discovery for a long time, but since Psyko is about to reveal it anyway, here goes: there is a fourth sound that Rice Crispies makes, and it is SNICK!

    That’s right. Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Snick.

    You have to listen very carefully, but it’s there.

    Sorry Psyko, prior art and all that.

  13. Well, I guess that’s one more quasi-food item off my list. Rice Crispies are now Snickers. Excuse me, I have to go pull out some chest hairs.

  15. Speaking of Britney, some iPrairiedogs were walking through the room while the news about her was on, they stopped dead in their tracks and stared the whole time the story was on. As soon as it was over they left. Odd behavior I thought, but then looking back, you know she kind reminds me of one of the second revisions of the third generation prototype Sexbots. t

  16. Ever since the superbowl ad, whenever I think of Snickers I have to do something manly. Gack!

    Excuse me while I go pick my teeth with a hunting knife.

    Words that end in “J” for $100 please, Alex.

  17. Ok I think I’ve fixed the iPrariedog and the iBadger problem. I told the kittens they’d get a fish for every iPrariedog and iBadger…. that were no longer our problem. I’m not certain what the kittens will do. It is possible that they will liquify the little furry creatures or they could dump them all in Redmond. Don’t worry about the kittens getting confused I showed them pictures of an iPrariedog and an iBadger before I set them loose. We should all be ok. Really I’m pretty certain we won’t have another “incident”. Plus Bill healed up nicely after the last incident didn’t he? Oh… actually he didn’t. Um be careful the next couple of days and make sure you have your emergency fish with you at all times.

    I’ll take “What is that sticky red stuff stuck to the bottom of my shoe” for $500, Alex.

  18. Kull Wahad!! Yueh has betrayed House Atriedes! The shields are down! We’re wide open! The iPrairiedogs are eating Zunes! Sardaukkar in Harkonnen livery! My grilled cheese sandwich is cold! Save yourselves!

    Oops. Never mind. I’m completely out of cream of celery soup.

  19. Considering all the trouble we’re having with the iPrairieDogs, I’m considering selling the whole lot to MS.
    Or, at least what’s left after the kittens get done with them.

    Anyone have any objections?

    Um, Business Hari-kari for $200, please.

  20. I’m in favor of selling it all to Michael Savage, Mark Spitz, Maria Shriver, Michael Spindler (maybe), or possibly Mickey Spillane.

    What the fuck was that? for $800 please, Alex.

  22. It has been brought to my attention that non licensed Cynomys are at large in the tunnel system. Capture and hand over to my staff.

    There has been an attempt to introduce Tympanuchus cupido into the tunnels. All attempts will cease immediately.

    Unauthorised trading is taking place. All forms, including barter, are prohibited.

    Any person animal or object breaching of these regulations will be taken outside and shot.

    Issued under the powers invested in me by UN Resolution 1097/5/BGZ34
    R. Distgusted, O/C The Tunnels.

  25. Don’t go down in the tunnels for a day or so, not until we can get the Febreze tankers in place to freshen it up a bit.
    Every since we announced that we are putting the remaining iPrairiedogs on sale, been getting calls from a Ronny, Wendy, and a B. King? What is that about?

    Final Jeopardy: Famous Last Words-
    The Answer
    “Install Oracle, Hewlett Packard” NOT “Insert Orifice, Hippopotamus”

    As the theme plays…..

  28. Wow, you guys almost proved my discovery wrong.

    Anyway, it is that nothing I say really matters anymore. Including this.

    MARK

  29. Here is my favorite Google Ad:

    Griffin Pest Solutions
    Griffin Gets ‘Em. Guaranteed Termites, Insects & Rodents.

    I would like to purchase my pest solution from where I get my iPod accessories. Think of the money I’d save on shipping.

  30. Don’t really have anything to say today. I’m taking VF’s advice and staying out of the tunnels for awhile. Damn, it’s bright and depressing up here. I miss the cool dark dampness of the tunnels, and it looks as if Moltz has taken an unannounced vacation. Where have all the good times gone?_

  31. All the Good Timesâ„¢ are visiting me today and tomorrow. They’re in the guest room right now, watching TV.
    I’ll let them know you were looking for them, though…

    I’ve decided to let Del’s kittens, and the good Col. have at the iPrairieDogs. Too much trouble for what they’re worth…
    Maybe iMoles…. Or is that too close to an iMoltz?

  32. Waiter, there’s an iMole in my soup. I specifically requested two.

    I’ll wager $43,268,152.30 and a half a pack of Lucky Strikes on the Daily Double, Alex.

  33. Yes, it’s true that Gollum found some more rings in the tunnels. Unfortunately they were forged in the injection molding machines of Mattel rather than the fires of Mt. Doom.

    Psyko, your last comment changed my life! No, not that kind of “change of life.”

  34. I want the “floor demo” price for this page. It has a big black MARK on it. Right up there. See it? Half off or I’m taking my business elsewhere.

    We didn’t start the fire.

    Presidential G-strings for $100, Alex.

  35. I left those rings there so I could find the passage back, to the place I was before.

    Well, anyway… Could I get some of that wine?

    No? Not since 1969, you say?
    Hmm…

  36. We always stayed at the Motel California. It’s a little cheaper, but you have to get the ice from the ice machine on the second floor and keep your pink champagne in the sink (in the master’s chamber, next to the toilet). Also stabbing with your steely knife is overkill for chicken fried steak, instant mashed potatoes, and green beans. You can check out any time you like, as long as it’s before 11 AM.

    Rhymes with Purple for $1000, please.

  37. Wow.
    Day. Night. Day. Night.
    Could you tell me what time it is? Tomorrow?
    What? your watch ended?

    Scuze me while I show affection to the atmosphere.

  38. Don’t take all the rings. A few of them were left for the Ty-D-Bol man. Found him back in tunnel #2 after the last flood. He looked kinda depressed. It was either give him something to do or feed him to the kittens.

    Gregorian Chants by Otis Day and the Nights for $200, Alex

  40. Never fear peeps, I’ve switched the Sexbots to “French Maid” mode. They are off cleaning the tunnels. I’m afraid they are going to be quite grimy when they come back up. Does anyone want to volunteer to help clean them? Last time I had to make them clean each other since no one wanted to help.

    I’ll take Lesbian Car Wash Scenes for 199.99, Alex.

  42. The weirdest thing I’ve seen on Jeopardy was Alex’s entrance last night. My wife thinks he lost a bet. The icing on the cake is that he was cracking himself up.

    I’ll take Game Show Hosts Flippin’ Out for 300 quatloos, Alex.

  43. It seems like the Tera-Post is losing steam.

    Is the iSteamgenerator on the fritz? (Or is it on the felix?)

    Anyway, I’ve updated the iLaser, and have a working prototype of the iLaser Extreme. It’s now wavelength tunable, from microwave to x-ray. If you want, I can tune it microwave, and turn it on in some of the flooded tunnels. That should pick up steam.

  44. I think we are still a little traumatized by the iPrairiedog/iBadger meltdown. Also, the half-Asian chick keeps walking past my desk with pretty shiny things. Gets a little distracting

    Be careful with the iSteamgenerator. There are some French Maid sexbots cleaning the tunnels. Don’t know if they are steam proof. But it may do wonders for the wrinkles in their outfits.

    Road-kill Roulette for $400, Alex

  45. I think I saw the last iPrairiedogs leaving out of the San Andreas exit. There were 4 and 3/5’s of them left. I think the kittens really did a number on them. Has anybody seen Gollum, he borrowed my three handled family cradenza and he was supposed to have it back on Tuesday. Some cat in this weird hat wants to pay some big bucks for it. Maybe we could buy some of those evergreen scented car fresheners to hang in the tunnels. j

  47. The kittens will probably try to take credit for that 3/5’s of an iPrairiedog Kingthedestroyer, but the real culprit was me. You see, those iPrairiedogs ganged up on me in one of the tunnels and I had to fight to save my life. Those little bastards are tenacious and vicious when they set their minds to it!

    I think the reason they came after me was because I saw them coming out of the Redmond tunnel. At least I think it was the Redmond tunnel, actually I’m still pretty lost in here. It’s all dark and wet and stuff and every time I think I figure out the system someone starts moving all the rings around again. But if it wasn’t the Redmond tunnel they were coming out of, the attack makes no sense to me whatsoever. Unless they’ve become rabid, but it’s hard to tell here in the dark. I guess I’ll know soon enough, if I start frothing at the mouth soon it was rabies.

    Anyone knows where those Sexbots went? I could use a little cleaning up myself, the iPrairiedog blood is starting to get all sticky. At least I hope it’s the blood.

    I’ll take what the fuck is wrong with you for $100 Alex.

  48. Yeah. You REALLY wanna get that washed off as soon as possible.
    It’s not exactly blood.

    No. Don’t turn the light on. Trust me.

    Um. Traditional uses of tallow for $1.89, please.

  49. The Tera-Post cannot lose steam. The Tera-post never had steam. Occasionally the iPrairiedogs leave behind small mounds that seem to emit steam, but it’s really just a mix of Transuranic alpha emitters, spontaneous fission, and vaporizing carbon compounds.

    What’s That in Your Mustache? for my lucky rabbit’s foot and a six-pack of diet cream soda, Alex

  50. Hey, who wants to go to the movies? The new Pink Panther flick starring Al Gore is out: “An Incompetent Sleuth.”

    I’ll bring the laser pointer.

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