Month: May 2007

Apple To Introduce New Security Device.

Sources at Apple indicate the company is preparing a new product that will seek to resolve growing concerns about Mac security.

Some have issued calls for Apple to beef up system security as a result of last year’s wireless controversy and the Month of Apple Bugs earlier this year.

“We looked at the security surrounding our Mac products, said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller, “and we identified the single biggest threat. And it’s not QuickTime bugs, it’s not Java bugs, it’s not 0 ring insertion. Because there just aren’t any exploits in the wild for those.

“No, it’s being hit over the head and having someone grab your Mac and run off. Unlike these other theoretical threats, this one actually happens to Mac users on an almost daily basis because our products are so boss.”

To combat this, Apple will introduce the iHelmet at its Worldwide Developers Conference next month.

Made of an advanced zirconium alloy, the iHelmet features built-in iPod earbuds and a Bluetooth transmitter that automatically locks your Mac’s keychain when either the iHelmet moves out of broadcast range or blunt force trauma is detected. A preference pane lets you adjust the sensitivity, in the event you’re a “hard rocker”.

“We believe this should resolve any security concerns anyone has about the Mac,” Schiller said.

“Well… OK… George Ou…

“But, what are you gonna do?”

Apple Totally Forgotten About Macs.

Confirming the fears of many after the company dropped the word “Computer” from its name, sources inside Apple indicate that the company has completely forgotten it makes Macs.

Taking a look at Mactactic shows that almost all of Apple’s Mac lineup has now hit the red line – meaning they’re overdue for an update. An update that insiders say is not coming any time soon unless the collective amnesia that has hit Cupertino wears off.

“‘Macs’?” asked Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering. “Hmm. Doesn’t ring a bell. But I haven’t been here all that long, so… maybe it was something Apple made before? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud here.”

Asked what it is, exactly, he does at Apple if its not working on Mac hardware, Mehring fell into a spell of mumbling that included the words “synergy”, “competency center” and “donut run”.

But Mehring wasn’t the only one who seemed not to have heard of these so-called “Macs”.

“‘Macs’?” asked senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell. “Hmm… no.

“iPods. iPhones. QuickTime. I think that’s it. Unless I’m missing something. But I don’t think so.

“I’m very thorough.”

Some elements of the Mac community have formulated a plan to combat this amnesia, however.

“We just sneak up behind Apple and – BAM! – hit it in the back of the head with a sock full of nickels,” said Your Mac Life’s Shawn King.

“Works every time.”

King said this was planned for Thursday and all members of the Mac community who could manage to be in Cupertino at 9:00 AM were invited to participate.