Month: July 2007

iPhone News Good News For Mac Fans.

In an encouraging sign that iPhone news may finally be petering out, the biggest piece of news today surrounding Apple’s new cell phone was that the company announced that it would be releasing a new iPhone bag.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced iPhoneBag 2.0, a follow-up to the signature iPhone launch bag.

“We heard you, Jobs said. “We know how much you liked the bag in which the iPhone came in and, bam, we’ve got a new bag, due out by late July.”

The new bag will include upgraded handle with a greater thread count in the all-cotton handles, higher-resolution printing, a glossier varnish overprinting, and sturdier paper.

“The iPhoneBag 2.0 will last you through the two-year contract required to obtain the bag,” Jobs said.

“Finally some iPhone news that I really couldn’t care less about,” said Macworld senior editor Chris Breen.

“I’ll tell you, I actually threw my bag out. I really did. Without even thinking about it.”

When pushed, Breen admitted that he threw out the bag for the second iPhone he purchased. The first he’s keeping in a pristine “mint in the bag” condition on a shelf in his office.

“This is going to be a collector’s item some day,” Breen said, somewhat defensively.

“Actually, you know what? It already is.”

But the Mac community universally welcomed the news that iPhone news just isn’t news anymore.

“OK!” exclaimed an exasperated Daniel Jalkut of Red Sweater Software. “Let’s all just go back to talking about the Macintosh because everyone already has an iPhone now. So, it’s not news!

“Eeyup. Everyone but me, that is.

“Soo, let’s just talk about the Mac. You all remember the Mac, right?”

Apple declined to comment for this story but got a blank look on its face when asked about the Mac.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a brand new iPhone that I’m having trouble activating. I’ve talked with AT&T and Apple but neither one seems to be able to resolve this issue. But that’s not why I called.
A: Oh. OK, then why did you call?
Q: I called because… I BRING EVIL TIDINGS!
A: Gah! Dammit, why the hell are evil tidings always in capital letters?
Q: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF THE TIDINGS! LEST YE… UM… LEST YE CONTRACT A REALLY NASTY RASH.
A: Yeah, yeah. OK. Nasty tidings rash. I don’t need that.
Q: NO. YOU DON’T. I’VE NEVER HAD ONE MYSELF, BUT I HEAR IT’S QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE.
A: OK, so lay it on me. What are these tidings?
Q: YOU REMEMBER THE CYBER APOCALYPSE?
A: Oh, yeah. Big bad thing. Was foretold by three signs, all of which came to pass. But it never showed.
Q: YEAH, WELL, IT’S SHOWIN’. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A: Uh, octosquid? So what?
Q: SO WHAT?! IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Um, what?
Q: I SAID IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Gah! I heard you! I meant “What has begun?” And do you still need to be in all caps?
Q: UM, YES. EVIL PORTENTS JUST DON’T LOOK AS EVIL IN LOWER CASE.
A: OK, fine. Drama queen. So… what is it? This is like the fourth sign in the trilogy? Why am I supposed to care?
Q: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN’T A SIGN. THIS IS THE QUICKENING!
A: The hey with the what now?
Q: YOU WILL, OF COURSE, RECALL YOUR DÉTENTE WITH TENTACULOUS?
A: Tentaculous?! The giant octopus creature at the center of our galaxy, Tentaculous?!
Q: YES. RHYMES WITH “SPECTACULOUS”.
A: You know that’s not a word, right?
Q: YES.
A: Well, yeah, it’s kind of hard not to remember traveling 50,000 light years to fight a bunch of octopuses to a standstill.
Q: HMM. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT MORE.
A: Oh, shut up. Just tell me what the octosquid means.
Q: THE OCTOSQUID IS THE SYMBOL OF YOUR ALLIANCE WITH TENTACULOUS. THIS IS BUT THE FIRST, BUT SOON THE RANKS OF THE OCTOSQUIDS SHALL SWELL…
MACGRUDER: Heh-heh. “Swell.”
A: Get out of here, Chet.
Q: …AND THEY SHALL JOIN YOU TO FACE THE HORROR THAT AWAITS.
A: You don’t mean…
Q: I DO.
A: Oh, my god.
Q: YES.
A: George Ou and John Dvorak in thongs?!
Q: UM. NO. I WASN’T THINKING OF THAT.
A: Oh, thank god.
Q: ALTHOUGH, NOW I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF THAT. THANKS VERY MUCH. I’LL HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT.
A: Sorry.
Q: NO, WHAT I WAS REFERRING TO WAS THE ARMIES OF KILLER ROBOTS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THEIR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
A: Huh? I didn’t hear about any robot rampage.
Q: WELL, OK, RIGHT NOW I’M JUST REFERRING TO THE MURDEROUS RAMPAGE OF THE TRANSFORMERS AT THE BOX OFFICE. BUT IT’S GOING TO GET WORSE, BELIEVE YOU ME.
A: Oh. Heh. Boy, it’s all in how you hear it, isn’t it? Because after what I said killer robots doesn’t seem so bad.
Q: WELL, FINE. GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN IS MORE EVIL THAN KILLER ROBOTS.
A: OK, so is there something I’m supposed to do? I mean I always relied on the Entity to tell me what to do in these situations. Man, I wish he was here.
Q: EVEN HIS POWERS COULD NOT STEM THIS TIDE ALONE.
A: No, I just mean to answer calls like this. I hate this ponderous crap.
Q: OH.
A: Nothing personal.
Q: SURE. AS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO, WHY, YOU KNOW IT YOURSELF.
A: Um… I don’t think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.
Q: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS.
A: OK. Uh… hmmm… nnnnope. I got nothing.
Q: LOOK DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF.
A: I’m drawing a blank here.
Q: YOU’VE KNOWN THE ANSWER ALL ALONG.
A: I… don’t think so.
Q: REMEMBER!
A: Uh… huh?
Q: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU GO ON A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY, OK?! A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY! HE ONLY GOT SPIT OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE IN THE FORM THAT YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH AND YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK TO HELP DEFEAT THE TECHNOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE YOU WILL FACE AND SAVE ALL CARBON-BASED LIFE ON THIS PLANET!
A: Oh… wow! I just thought that was gas!
Q: MY GOD! IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER RECEIVED ANY KIND OF PORTENTS BEFORE!
A: I have so! It’s just that the Entity used to draw me little pictures.
Q: OH, GREAT. WELL, NEXT TIME I’LL KNOW TO BRING SOME PAPER AND CRAYONS!
A: So, I’m guessing that this is one of those quests where I won’t get a lot of instruction so I should probably just get in the car and start driving.
Q: RIGHT. NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT.
A: OK, well, I think I’ll take Howard. Leave Thor in charge. Maybe take some Baked Lays if I’m trying to find the Entity. He always liked Baked Lays.
Q: MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
A: Hey. Who are you, anyway?
Q: A FRIEND. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME… DEEP SQUID.
A: “Deep Squid”? Really?
Q: IS… THAT NO GOOD? I’M REALLY KIND OF BETWEEN CODE NAMES. HOW ABOUT TENTACLE BOY?
A: Uh… I think Deep Squid is better.
Q: OK.
A: So… Deep Squid. Does this have anything to do with Apple?
Q: OH, YES.
A: OK.
Q: AT LEAST… I THINK SO.
A: [sigh] OK. Great. Well, I’m gonna go pack.

Jobs Announces iPhone Pro.

In a surprise move today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the release of the iPhone Pro which will be available immediately. The iPhone Pro has an expanded feature set that redefines the product line.

“We were really excited about the original iPhone, Jobs said. “It was a ground-breaking product.

“But that’s over. Today we’re pleased to introduce the iPhone Pro which offers a clear advantage over the iPhone. You’re going to want to shove those things in the back of the drawer and head down to the Apple Store to pick up one of these bad boys.”

According to Apple sources, the iPhone Pro:

  • Features 80 GB of storage space and a full-featured Mail application with spam filtering and the ability to copy/paste between applications.
  • Comes with an iPhone SDK and allows users to install third-party applications.
  • Is unlocked and can be used with any cellular provider.
  • Will be introduced at the 8 GB iPhone’s $600 price point with the price of the 8 GB model being dropped to $300 and the 4 GB model being discontinued.

Reaction in the Apple community was enthusiastic.

“What the hell?!” exclaimed an excited John Gruber of Daring Fireball. “I just bought one of those things on Friday! They can’t do that! Can they do that?

“What the hell?!”

Equally ebullient was Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch.

“That’s just a bunch of crap! A bunch of fricking crap!” Welch cheered.

“I’ll kill Steve Jobs! I’ll kill him!

“Right after I get my iPhone Pro. I’ve gotta go line up.”

Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.

Flush from a record-breaking launch of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs kicked off his personal Fourth of July celebration by declaring his independence from his pants.

At an impromptu company event on the Apple campus, Jobs, wearing nothing but his trademark black shirt and a pair of tight briefs, said he would no longer submit to the tyranny of social convention for trousers.

“For too long have I allowed myself to be slave to the yoke of those restricting britches,” Jobs said, as the gathered Apple employees attempted to avert their eyes.

“No longer!” he declared. “The highly successful iPhone launch has allowed me to see clearly that I have certain inalienable rights: those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

“All without pants.”

Jobs noted that, despite their hard work, this did not go for his employees.

“If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products then maybe you can run around without pants, too. Until then…”

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller seemed to be at a loss for words.

“He, uh…” Schiller said. “Well, you see, Steve marches to… the beat of…

“Yeah, I’ve got nothing.”

iPhone Launch Marred By Unfortunate Incident.

While the Friday launch of the iPhone went seemingly spectacularly, at least one disturbing incident marred Apple’s new mobile device’s day in the sun.

At the Stockton Street Apple Store, while patrons were milling about and enjoying the iPhone and the atmosphere, a distraught and clearly drunk interloper came onto the scene.

The Newton MessagePad 2100, the last Apple product in the handheld category, entered the store shortly after 8:00 PM and began shouting at patrons.

“Hey!” the Newton said. “What’s everybody doin’, huh?! You all buying something? Oooh, the big iPhone rollout!”

Approaching the iPhone, the Newton at first feigned friendliness.

“Oh, hey, buddy! Congratulations! Hey, I remember my launch so, you know, if you want to hang – heh-heh – and maybe get a beer, I can give you some pointers.”

Clearly uncomfortable, the iPhone said “Uh, well, I’ve kind of got a lot of events to go to. You understand.”

“Ooh, yeah!” the Newton said. “I totally get it. Mr. Big Shot doesn’t have time!”

As the iPhone attempted to explain itself, the Newton began to turn away but then whirled around, swinging wildly at CEO Steve Jobs’ most recent pet project. It missed and landed flat on its back.

Lying on the Apple Store floor and floundering in a drunken haze of misery, the Newton then yelled at the iPhone “Oh, what, do you think you’re better than me?! Huh?! Do you?!”

Somewhat embarrassed by the whole incident, the iPhone said “Well, uh, I do now…”

The iPhone was then hustled on to its next interview. The Newton lay on the floor until Adam Tow arrived and took it home.

Apple declined to comment about the incident, but did set up several orange cones around the spot where the Newton had laid until it could be mopped up.