Study Shows Mac Market Share Soaring.

Several recent studies have shown that Mac market share is creeping up, but a study released today shows that it has reached record levels.

According to several Mac users who got together and published a paper in the prestigious publication Mac Scientific Papers Magazine, the anecdotal evidence is overwhelming: more people than ever “can has Macs”.

“My anecdotal evidence clearly shows Mac market share is way higher than previously thought,” said paper co-author Josh Raney. “I just keep running into switchers.”

Just this morning, according to Raney, he met yet another “dude” who’s switching to the Mac.

Co-author Jeremy Dingess said “Everyone I know and hang out with uses Macs, so my anecdotal results show its market share to be 100%. Of course, some of that is just selection, so I’m willing to accept that in the real world, the results are somewhat different.”

Accordingly, Dingess and Raney estimated the Mac’s market share to be somewhere around 75%.

“I mean, it’s totally scientifically valid but, also, it just felt right, you know?”

In other statistical news, an experiment conducted today revealed that roughly 3% of Apple’s stock is owned by frightened little bunnies that sell and buy based on noises they hear coming from the tall, tall grass near farmer MacGregor’s vegetable garden.

Pictures of New iMac Keyboard Leaked.

The Mac community was abuzz over the weekend as pictures of the new iMac keyboard were leaked.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received its own copies of these tantalizing pictures that represent a bold new direction for Apple design. Please forgive the poor quality of these images. Many Bothans died to bring us this information (not a lot of people know but Bothans are notoriously loose-lipped Mac users).

As has been widely rumored, the new keyboard is ultra-thin. Some would say even paper thin.

Actually, some would say that it is, actually, paper. Indeed, while other sites are saying the new iMacs will feature aluminum enclosures, CARS has learned from reliable sources that they will be paper-based.

While this poses certain problems with conductivity and the potential for fire, Apple sources informed CARS that this was “special” paper that conducts electricity and is non-flammable.

It’s also, they insisted, really cool.

Time Off.

As there were some bad feelings over my escapades with the Swedish women’s gymnastic team in the company break room, I’ve decided to give the staff the rest of the week off. I think with John off exploring the wonderful world of waffles, it’s a good idea to let everyone rest up as much as possible since he’ll probably be being chased by hordes of killer automatons when he gets back.

And we’ll be doing a little weapons training next week so I want everyone to be alert. Not like the last time.

Also, the Norwegian women’s volleyball team arrives in an hour and I thought it would be best just to clear everyone out.

I understand it’s traditional to not leave you without something to talk about and, never fear, I have something prepared. Your homework is to discuss the following equation.

Please show your work.

Apple Delivers Quarterly Results.

In a conference call with analysts today, Apple announced results from another banner quarter in which it shipped a record number of Macs as well as posting strong sales for the iPod and the newly launched iPhone.

CFO Peter Oppenheimer and COO Tim Cook also discussed the following on the call.

  • The Apple Tablet is coming along nicely and its flash-based memory is… oh, crap, are we on now?!
  • The company sold 270,000 iPhones in the second quarter, 4 of which AT&T was able to activate.
  • The conference call was punctuated by the sound of squealing Apple executives throwing wads of cash at each other.
  • Analysts complained about a droning noise on the line, but Oppenheimer explained that it was just the sound of Stan Sigman still delivering his Macworld speech.
  • Asked repeatedly to explain the relationship between Apple’s after-tax price/earnings ratio and its cash and cash equivalents balance and how accounting changes in regards to how subscription revenue would be recognized in subsequent quarters would affect the company’s EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization), Oppenheimer had to admit he had no idea what the fuck analysts were talking about.
  • The company sold 9.8 million iPods but did admit that 7 million of those were sold to 28 individuals who have iPod addiction problems.
  • Toward the end of the call, Cook informed everyone that Clarus the dogcow had been hit by a car late last week and had to be put down.

After the call, Apple declined to comment.

iPhone Activations Lower Than Expected.

Apple’s stock fell sharply today when AT&T announced that in the last two days of the second quarter, the first two days of iPhone sales, it had activated far fewer iPhones than expected.

While analysts had expected that around 200, 00, AT&T reported only 146,000 iPhones had been activated.

This was not surprising to regular Apple customers, however, who were quickly able to explain away the discrepancy.

“Clearly this delay in activation is simply due to iPhone fondling,” said Apple Phone Show host Scott Bourne.

According to Bourne and several other experts reporters spoke with, the purchase of an Apple product is almost always followed by a period lasting hours, sometimes days, when the customer sits and simply caresses it.

“It’s how we get to know an Apple product,” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “Me, I take the phone off the hook, slip into something a little more comfortable and put on a little Barry White.”

Ihnatko said he didn’t personally get around to actually activating his iPhone until five days later.

“It was a particularly succulent morsel,” he noted.

A poll of 200 hundred iPhone buyers indicated that product groping may indeed be to blame as slow jazz could be heard playing in the background of 75% of those reached.