Month: August 2007

While speculation has continued to range from new iPods, to Beatles tracks to HD movie content, the central question about next Wednesday’s event remains, “Why would Apple hold a masturbation-themed event?”

“‘The beat goes on’?” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “I don’t know about you, but that just screams ‘masturbation’ to me.”

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life agreed.

“I can’t look at that invitation and not think ‘masturbation’. Although, I can’t look at two big jiggling mounds of Jell-O and not think ‘masturbation’.

“OK, that was probably a bad example. How about a clam? No, no. That’s not right, either. Well, something non-sexual. I can’t think of anything non-sexual at the moment. It’s probably because of that damned masturbation-themed invitation.”

Apple denied that the invitation and catch-phrase were in any way related to masturbation.

“What?!” asked an incredulous senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Where do you come up with this stuff? What the hell could we possibly be announcing that has anything to do with masturbation?! My god!”

A nervous iPod marketing manager Stan Ng leaned over and whispered something in Schiller’s ear.

“What?” Schiller said. “Oh. Huh? Oh. Oh. Oooooh. Wow. Really? I had no idea you could do that with it.”

Turning back to reporters, Schiller said “Uh, yeah, it’s got at least something to do with masturbation.”

Still, no one knows exactly what’s going to be announced, but all this talk about masturbation has everyone really looking forward to next Wednesday.

While other easily debunked photos have recently been seen on the web, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources have forwarded the definitive photo of the actual iPod nano to be announced next Wednesday.

According to a source who claims to be within the iPod division, the new nano will feature several totally awesome features. Most notably, Apple has done away with the controversial non-user-replaceable battery in favor of crank-driven power and every eighth album in Coverflow will be a picture of Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

While most Apple followers hailed the new features to surely be announced next week, some were skeptical.

“What the fuck is that?” asked Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch.

“No, really, what the fuck is that? Because is sure as hell isn’t a new fricking nano.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t walk away from me, bitch!”

Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber wondered “Why the fuck is there a first generation shuffle click wheel on it? And why’s it so much blurrier than the rest of the image? And what’s that crap around the handle of the crank? And…”

None of this skepticism, however, takes into account the super awesomeness of the features of the new iPod nano which will surely rawk several million sawks.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but was somewhat blurry and pixelated around where Infinite Loop meets the rest of Cupertino, as if it had hastily been pasted there.

Apple sent out invitations to press announcing a special event on Sept 5, emblazoned with the tantalizing tagline, “The beat goes on.” Although most analysts believe this to be the release of long-overdue new iPod models, sources deep within Apple indicate that’s not the case.

Branching into other consumer fields, Apple is introducing a line of audio-equipped kinetic devices. The first in the line, the iWhisk, takes advantage of the miniaturization advances used in the iPod nano to cram a 1 GB music player into the ergonomically designed handle of a stainless steel whisk. According a source in the iPod division, the key feature of the line is that the mixing motion generates kinetic energy, removing the need for a battery.

The source said “This is Steve’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all those class-action lawsuit assholes who bitch about battery life. You want more battery life? Shake your moneymaker.” The source refused to define “moneymaker,” but said, “Oh, I think you know what I mean.

“Shake it. Shake it real good.”

The source noted that the iWhisk is just the beginning. Apple intends to add music-enabled martini shakers, Shake-a-Puddin, and, oddly, maracas which are technically already music-enabled.

While these products are definitely under development, other sources indicate there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.

Or it could be porn-related.