Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve got an Apple TV and I really want to hack into it to get its full potential. Do you have any suggestions?

A: Oh, totally! I saw this one – it was awesome! You crack the thing open with a screwdriver, take all the innards out, and you use it to store knick-knacks!

Q: Knick-knacks?

A: Yeah! String, rubber bands, the feet that fell off your Pismo…

Q: Uh… not that I don’t need a place to keep my Pismo feet, but that’s a little low-tech. See, I was more thinking of turning it into a multimedia…

A: Oh! Oh! There’s this other one where you really carefully tape it off and then you get some model paint and… and… and… and… uh… you paint it.

Q: Huh.

A: Uh… yeah. You can do blue or red or… well, I guess any color.

Q: Right. See, I was thinking I could use it to play other kinds of media and…

A: Fish tank!

Q: Forget it.

A: Oh, it’s good enough for Andy Ihnatko but it’s not good enough for you?

Q: Hey, speaking of fish tanks, I tried that whole conversion on my SE and you know what? It’s a scam!

A: A scam?

Q: Yeah! You can’t use it as a computer anymore!

A: Uh, well, yeah. Because it’s full of water.

Q: I know! What kind of bullshit is that?!

A: Um… what?

Q: Oh, and I electrocuted my fish.

A: [sigh]

Q: OK, OK, don’t let that one get you down because I’ve got the total pick-me-up question.

A: Awesome. Lay it on me.

Q: I’ve got six words for you. Boba. Fett. Mac. Pro. Case. Mod.


Q: You’re speechless.

A: I’m just wondering what’s wrong with my life that I want to drop everything and spend my weekend working on that.

Q: Oh, man, don’t think of it that way! This could be the best Mac ever!

A: Oh, it will. With god as my witness… the Boba Fett Mac Pro will be the best Mac ever.

Q: Yes! I’m coming over!

Sept. 5 Event Speculation Centers On Catch-Phrase.

While speculation has continued to range from new iPods, to Beatles tracks to HD movie content, the central question about next Wednesday’s event remains, “Why would Apple hold a masturbation-themed event?”

“‘The beat goes on’?” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “I don’t know about you, but that just screams ‘masturbation’ to me.”

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life agreed.

“I can’t look at that invitation and not think ‘masturbation’. Although, I can’t look at two big jiggling mounds of Jell-O and not think ‘masturbation’.

“OK, that was probably a bad example. How about a clam? No, no. That’s not right, either. Well, something non-sexual. I can’t think of anything non-sexual at the moment. It’s probably because of that damned masturbation-themed invitation.”

Apple denied that the invitation and catch-phrase were in any way related to masturbation.

“What?!” asked an incredulous senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Where do you come up with this stuff? What the hell could we possibly be announcing that has anything to do with masturbation?! My god!”

A nervous iPod marketing manager Stan Ng leaned over and whispered something in Schiller’s ear.

“What?” Schiller said. “Oh. Huh? Oh. Oh. Oooooh. Wow. Really? I had no idea you could do that with it.”

Turning back to reporters, Schiller said “Uh, yeah, it’s got at least something to do with masturbation.”

Still, no one knows exactly what’s going to be announced, but all this talk about masturbation has everyone really looking forward to next Wednesday.

New iPod Nano Photo Leaked.

While other easily debunked photos have recently been seen on the web, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources have forwarded the definitive photo of the actual iPod nano to be announced next Wednesday.

According to a source who claims to be within the iPod division, the new nano will feature several totally awesome features. Most notably, Apple has done away with the controversial non-user-replaceable battery in favor of crank-driven power and every eighth album in Coverflow will be a picture of Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

While most Apple followers hailed the new features to surely be announced next week, some were skeptical.

“What the fuck is that?” asked‘s John C. Welch.

“No, really, what the fuck is that? Because is sure as hell isn’t a new fricking nano.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t walk away from me, bitch!”

Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber wondered “Why the fuck is there a first generation shuffle click wheel on it? And why’s it so much blurrier than the rest of the image? And what’s that crap around the handle of the crank? And…”

None of this skepticism, however, takes into account the super awesomeness of the features of the new iPod nano which will surely rawk several million sawks.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but was somewhat blurry and pixelated around where Infinite Loop meets the rest of Cupertino, as if it had hastily been pasted there.

Apple Announces Sept. 5th Special Event.

Apple sent out invitations to press announcing a special event on Sept 5, emblazoned with the tantalizing tagline, “The beat goes on.” Although most analysts believe this to be the release of long-overdue new iPod models, sources deep within Apple indicate that’s not the case.

Branching into other consumer fields, Apple is introducing a line of audio-equipped kinetic devices. The first in the line, the iWhisk, takes advantage of the miniaturization advances used in the iPod nano to cram a 1 GB music player into the ergonomically designed handle of a stainless steel whisk. According a source in the iPod division, the key feature of the line is that the mixing motion generates kinetic energy, removing the need for a battery.

The source said “This is Steve’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all those class-action lawsuit assholes who bitch about battery life. You want more battery life? Shake your moneymaker.” The source refused to define “moneymaker,” but said, “Oh, I think you know what I mean.

“Shake it. Shake it real good.

The source noted that the iWhisk is just the beginning. Apple intends to add music-enabled martini shakers, Shake-a-Puddin, and, oddly, maracas which are technically already music-enabled.

While these products are definitely under development, other sources indicate there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.

Or it could be porn-related.

Hotz-Mania Sweeps the Globe.

Just days after announcing that he had successfully hacked an iPhone so that it can be used on a service other than AT&T’s, New Jersey resident George Hotz has already become a media darling and his star continues to rise.

Already having appeared on CNBC last week, Hotz has a busy week ahead of him:

  1. Monday: Dinner at the White House (alone, strangely, as president Bush isn’t there).
  2. Tuesday: Will unlock an iPhone LIVE! on Good Morning America wearing goggles and a white lab coat, assisted by the New York Giants cheerleaders. Diane Sawyer will inexplicably refer to him as “Professor Hotz”.
  3. Wednesday: Stan Sigman will be brought before him, prostrate and pleading for his life. Hotz, however, is unmerciful, and kills the whimpering Sigman with his bare hands, mounting his corpse on the white picket fence outside his house as a warning to other long-winded cellular providers.
  4. Thursday: Will sign a three-movie deal with Miramax for “iUnlocked It! – the George Hotz story”.
  5. Friday: Hot chicks everywhere will declare that they’ve “got the hots for Hotz!”
  6. Saturday: Hotz flies to England to be knighted by the Queen. There is an uncomfortable silence when the Queen says “We also have the hots for Hotz! Yes. Quite.”
  7. Sunday: On the seventh day, Hotz – creator of the unlocked iPhone – will rest.

Asked what the big deal is about a dude with a soldering iron and an open social calendar, Apple Phone Show host Scott Bourne said “He hacked an iPhone, dude! Oh, my god! You can use it with a T-Mobile account now! Don’t you see?! This changes everything! He is our new master! All hail George Hotz!”

Bourne then admitted he really had no idea what the hell the big deal was, either.