Month: August 2007

Apple Working On New Ads.

In response to allegations that “black people don’t use Macs”, sources say Apple is working on a new series of blacksploitation “I’m a Mac ads.”

Information is sketchy right now, but one script is written for Carl Weathers to star as the Mac and Craig T. Nelson as the PC. In the ad, the Mac totally fucks up the PC.

“Think about it,” a source said. “What’s more like ‘the man’ than the PC? Nothing. Well, other than the man himself.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but Weathers said he’s available and interested. Quentin Tarantino is currently rumored to be attached to the project.

A week off.

With every day we draw closer to our prey. When we last reported in, we were working our way to the Waffle Triangle. It was there that we caught our first glimpse of the Entity attempting to reenter our dimension.

He was just a ghostly form, floating above the syrup bar. Kind of like Shatner in “The Tholian Web”. Except without the truss. I started to reach out for him but just then Madge came back with my side order of bacon and I was like “Ooh, bacon!” And then I looked up and he was gone.

But since then we’ve seen him five other times and we’ve identified a pattern to his appearances. It’s a swirling pattern coming out from the Waffle Triangle, like a great spiral galaxy.

Or, like water going down the toilet bowl.

Anyway, I’ve asked the staff to take the rest of the week off from the serious business of rumors to evaluate the pattern and plot the waffle restaurants in his path.

You know, you might think that after all these weeks I’d be tired of waffles and greasy pork products but, well, you’d be wrong.

So far the metal monstrosities that threaten the human race have yet to attack the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters (and they laughed at me when I insisted it be top-secret!). But my understanding is they’ve already begun their horrific rampage, so surely some of you have seen these dreadful creatures. Please tell your stories of your encounters in the comments.

CARS will return on Monday the 20th.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

—————

Q: I was listening to the audio of Jobs’ presentation on Tuesday and I kept hearing him talk about how things were going to happen “otomatically”. I haven’t noticed this getting coverage anywhere else, but is he talking about some cool new Apple technology? What is this “otomatically”?

A: Oh, no, no, no. I believe this is just a simple misunderstanding having to do with the fact that Jobs pronounces that word oddly.

Q: Oh. Oh! So he was trying to say “automatically”?

A: No, no, no. The word he was trying to say was “Odomatically”?

Q: What’s “Odomatically” mean?

A: Odomatically means something happens like Odo from Deep Space 9.

Q: Huh?

A: It’s a new shape-shifting technology Apple’s been developing. It’s going to be in all Apple products soon.

Q: Hmm. I dunno. I still think he was saying “otomatically”.

A: But that’s stupid! You mean it would happen “of the ear”? Ha-ha! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! “Of the ear”! Ha-ha!

Q: How is that any stupider than your Odo idea?

A: Uh… well… because we’re the ones with the Apple web site and you’re just someone calling in.

Q: Well, fine! I’ll just go off and start my own Apple web site!

A: Ha-ha! Good luck with that! I think you’ll find all the good site names are taken, my friend!

—————

Q: I read this whole thing about Sticker Guy and I was rather appalled at the way he was treated by the Mac community.

A: What?! C’mon, it was a stupid question. And if the guy can’t stand a little heat for it, he should get out of the kitchen that is the Internet.

Q: But it wasn’t unreasonable at all! Intel pays companies a lot of money to put those stickers on.

A: But the basic premise – putting tacky stickers on a Mac – is so out of place! It’s like you’re watching Leave it to Beaver and, though you’ve seen every episode and know them by heart, all of a sudden you hear June tell Ward she’s leaving him to get into competitive goatse.

Q: Uh… wow. I’m so stunned by that image I forgot what the hell we were arguing about.

A: Ha! Yeah. You like that? I thought of that earlier today and was laughing myself silly over it!

—————

Q: I have a MacBook that I want to use to manage a large collection of images I’m going to scan in. I need to hook it up to an external monitor and I’m hoping to get a good recommendation for a flat-panel display that’s cheaper than what Apple offers, but all I can think of now is… “competitive goatse”? C’mon. There is no such thing. Is there?

A: Ooh, dude, you really don’t want to go asking questions you don’t want the answers to.

Q: Unnn…

A: Yeah, just don’t Google it. Don’t do it.

Q: I’m… not.

A: Yes, you are! You’re doing it right now, I can tell!

Q: No, I’m… AAAAAGH! I’M BLIND!

A: Ah. See? I told you not to Google it.

Jobs Getting His Jargon On.

Another odd moment from Tuesday’s unveiling that several sites noticed was Steve Jobs’ use of the term “Web 2.0”. Many expressed surprise that Jobs would stoop to using such cheap industry jargon, but sources say the mercurial Apple CEO has been doing this with increasing regularity.

“I’m not sure but I think someone might have left a copy of Business 2.0 in his office or something,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “I walked by there the other day and I heard him say ‘That paradigm is a total meme.’ That doesn’t even make any sense.

“At least I don’t think it does.”

Oddly, Schiller said, Jobs wasn’t on the phone and had no one in his office.

“I think he was just trying it out. There might even have been a mirror on his desk.”

Chief operating officer Tim Cook said he heard Jobs say “We’re gonna mashup that SOA and deploy it throughout the enterprise on a go-forward basis.”

“The weird thing is,” Cook said, “He was talking to some squirrels on the campus.

“But Steve works in mysterious ways,” Cook noted, nodding sagely.

“Plus, I think some of those squirrels are venture capitalists. And venture capitalists eat that shit up with a spoon.”

Jobs declined to comment for this story, but did send over some business plans that consisted of spreadsheets, graphs about market penetration and a bunch of completely incomprehensible gibberish.

Interloper Mars Apple Event.

Yesterday, CEO Steve Jobs introduced several ground-breaking new Mac products, including iMacs, iLife and iWork. The event was seamless except for one incident that stood out to many observers.

During the question and answer period, one member of the crowd asked why Apple doesn’t put “Intel Inside” stickers on its Macs.

Many have wondered who could ask such a mind-numbingly stupid question, but the answer is obvious. There is only one analyst who could be so brazenly moronic as to wonder aloud why Apple doesn’t crap up their gorgeous computers with tacky ads for fricking component manufacturers.

And that analyst is Rob Enderle.

“We’re not sure how he got in here,” said chief operating officer Tim Cook. “He certainly wasn’t invited, but I understand Enderle has a habit of wandering into a lot of events by accident. Kind of like Forrest Gump.”

Apple sources say that after Enderle was escorted from the building, he left behind a sheet of construction paper on which he had scrawled several other questions in crayon.

  • A follow-up question – if you don’t participate in “Intel Inside”, just what sort of cheezy third-party marketing do you do?
  • These so-called “Macs” you speak of… what version of Windows do they run?
  • If I set up a Mac in a corporate environment, how long would it be before it took down the whole network?
  • When are you switching to Windows?
  • I noticed you don’t take a big dump on your computers before you ship them, either. Why is that?
  • I’m sorry, I missed everything after “Satisfaction” stopped playing. Can you start over?
  • I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?
  • You know what’s a really cool color for computers? Beige. You should totally look into that.
  • Has anyone seen my juice box?
  • Does this look infected?

Apple apologized to everyone for the trouble and said Enderle would be driven out to the country and released on a farm somewhere where, they said, “he’d be happier because he could chase the chickens”.