Hiatus? They *loved* us!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is on indefinite hyenas.

Wait, that’s not right…

Oh, no, it is. Upon closer inspection, these do indeed appear to be some indeterminable kind of hyena.

Man, it’s a good thing they’re asleep! Ha-ha! What with the fangs and all!


Anyway, more to the point, we’re also on hiatus.

478 thoughts on “Hiatus? They *loved* us!”

  1. No Way is it ever going to make 401
    Not now… not ever…ever never ever.
    Sort of like that darts game… er… that’s 301 hummmmm
    Wonder if Moltz has any balloons
    i could use a satisfing pop about now

  2. Thanks Ace

    / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

    Hey, 10 out of twelve isn’t bad! is it?
    it’s hard hittin those little bubble pillows

  3. Every Friday, the losers who still hang around CARS(we are getting fewer and fewer, Moltz!) blatantly steal old Friday Night Help Desk articles in an attempt to maintain our sanity until John comes to his senses and comes back and / or the sexbots finally get out of beta.

    It’s tax time, and Crazy Apple Rumors Site is here to help!

    Q: I’m trying to do my taxes and I’m having a little trouble with MacInTax.
    A: I think you mean TurboTax.
    Q: Uh, well, no. I mean, I am doing it on a Mac.
    A: Yeah, but they changed the name a couple of years ago so the Windows version and the Mac version would have the same name. Which is TurboTax.
    Q: I hear what you’re saying, Alan Greenspan, but I’m looking at the box and it clearly says MacInTax 1996.
    A: You’re… trying to use a ten year old application to file your tax return? That’s not going to work.
    Q: Uh, hello?! I said I was having trouble!

    Q: I run my own Mac web site as a small business. Can I take a deduction for the depreciation on the several Macs I own and use solely for this business from the revenue generated from advertising and other sources?
    A: Absolutely. I do this all the time and I haven’t been caught yet.
    Q: Great! OK, now I have another question. How do I generate revenue from advertising and other sources? Because I’ve been at it for about three years and I’m tellin’ ya…
    A: Hell if I know. If we didn’t have a well-heeled alien bankrolling us we would have been out on the street in January of 2002. Maybe you should go ask Princess Gruber.
    Q: Oh, everyone knows how he makes his money.
    A: How’s that?
    Q: I shouldn’t say…
    A: Oh, c’mon.
    Q: Well… ob-may onnections-cay.
    A: Ahhh…

    Q: You know, as much as I hate tax time, I gotta think that it’s just a nightmare for Steve Jobs. I mean, trying to figure out how much tax he owes on $1…
    A: Well, you know, Steve does make an awful lot of money with the stock he gets.
    Q: Oh, that’s so not true. Steve just does it because he couldn’t possibly do anything else. Also, they pay him in chickens.
    A: Hmm. I don’t know where you heard that but I think it’s wrong. My understanding from very highly placed sources is what he gets out of the job is one thing and one thing only: pure chewing satisfaction.
    Q: That’s fine but one can’t forget that he does also receive 14 vestal virgins at the end of each fiscal year.
    A: Yeah, but he just tags and releases them. What I can’t believe is the jellies.
    Q: Jellies?
    A: Yes! 10,000 elderly residents of upstate Wisconsin slave all year long to jar a vast assortment of jellies for Steve and what does he do with them?
    Q: Stand on an overpass and toss them on the interstate to watch them go smashy-smashy?
    A: Yes!
    Q: Hmm. I wonder what box you put that in on your 1040?
    A: “Other Income”?

  4. Thanks, Moof. You reminded me to do my taxes.

    There, I’m done. And so are you.

    I have to recommend OmniTax from the Omni Group. It does your taxes and everyone else’s instantly, just for asking. It even eliminates loopholes for the rich, ensuring they pay a large share.

    While I highly recommend it, you shouldn’t bother to get it since, as I said, your taxes are already done.

  5. If we all refuse to pay taxes, there would be nothing left with which to pay the politicians.

    Game, set and match.

  6. So if Moltz gets a most-of-the-time Hiatus, do we? Should we all go to Gruber’s site and dis the Yanquis and their prison-striped uniforms.

  7. Sorry. Was caught up in some code.

    Every Friday, the losers who still hang around CARS(we are getting fewer and fewer, Moltz!) blatantly steal old Friday Night Help Desk articles in an attempt to maintain our sanity until John comes to his senses and comes back and / or the sexbots finally get out of beta.

    We were out a little late last night with the Seattle Xcoders, so we’re going to run some repeat questions from old Help Desk episodes.

    First up, it’s the summer of love, 1967!
    Q: I’m recently bought an Apple -X and I’m having trouble getting it to read my paper tape. I can get the program punched onto the tape OK, but when I feed all 165 feet back in to get it to print out an ASCII picture of kitty, the tape gets mangled.
    A: That’s a known issue with the -X. They’re expected to announce the Apple -IX next quarter which is supposed to fix that. Do you have $10,000?
    Q: Um, let me see… Yes!
    A: OK, then I’d just wait for that. You know, as great as the Apple -IX is going to be, just think… some day they’ll actually hit positive numbers.
    Q: Wow! I wonder what that far off future world will be like?!
    A: Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that computers will think and be able to talk to you.
    Q: Cool!
    A: Yeah. War, of course, will be a thing of the past as the world will be led by a sage council of wizened elders in flowing robes.
    Q: Huh. What will they wear under the robes?
    A: Crotchless leather pants.
    Q: Wh-huh? Why would they…
    Q: I’m not, I just think it’s kind of weird that…
    Q: Ooh, so there will be thought police in the future?
    A: Yeah, that was pretty much my point there.

    Ha-ha! Well, at least we got that last part right!

    Now here’s a classic from 1945! Who can forget the Apple iENIAC?
    Q: I recently purchased an Apple iENIAC which has been great. I mean, it only takes me a couple of weeks to configure the vacuum tubes in the right places to get it to add two integers!
    A: I know! And it’s only $530,000!
    Q: Right! The problem I’ve been having is reaching Apple tech support.
    A: Oh, that’s probably because 800 numbers haven’t been invented yet.
    Q: Ah. I thought it might be because I have a party line.
    A: Well, that’s probably not helping.
    Q: So, what can I do in the mean time?
    A: Uh, you mean between now and the 1960s?
    Q: Yes.
    A: You should avail yourself of the services of one of the many fine traveling Apple technical support and Fuller brush salesmen.
    Q: Oh, but I can’t.
    A: Uh… why?
    Q: Because I’m a farmer.
    A: Huh?
    Q: And I have a daughter.
    A: Oh.
    Q: Yeah.
    A: I can see where you might expect problems. But, wait, where did you get $530,000?
    Q: Oh, I happened to be at Roswell when the aliens landed and the government paid me off.
    A: Good for you!

    And here’s one I’ll never forget from the year 10,045 BC!
    Q: Me have trouble with Apple iStone. It sometimes not kill antelope.
    A: You throw it hard?
    Q: Of course me throw it hard!
    A: You show.
    Q: OK. Aaaaaaahhhh UHN!
    A: You call that throw?! Throw it like early man!
    Q: Grrr! OK. OK. Me not warmed up before. Now me warm. Here me go. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH UHNNNN!!!
    A: Dude, there nothing wrong with iStone. You just throw like australopithecus.
    Q: Nnn. Well, what if me upgrade to iStone Pro?
    A: Ha-ha! You think you need iStone Pro when you throw like little australopithecus girl?!
    Q: Me gonna smash you with iStone!
    A: Ha! That bit scary threat, Lucy!

    Ah, that really takes me back!

  8. I am shocked. I never thought I would see a reference to ‘Crotchless leather pants’ in CARS. However, now the subject has been broached, are any more details available? Can I assume that the ‘wizened elders’ are incontinent?

  9. Consider yourself assumed. The flowing robes hide the adult diapers-between-the-crotchless-leather-pants pretty well though. Keeps the leather from turner green and slimy too! Our wizened elders are smarter then your wizened elders apparently.

  10. Too bad this life isn’t imitating art–at the moment, it’s doing a poor impression of vaudeville.

  11. What you mean not imitating art?
    We’ve had a pile of bricks, a large crack and sawn in half sharks in various galleries.

  12. Every Friday, the losers who still hang around CARS (we are getting fewer and fewer, Moltz!) blatantly steal old Friday Night Help Desk articles in an attempt to maintain our sanity until John comes to his senses and comes back and / or the sexbots finally get out of beta.

    And today, for some reason… his royal badness!

    No, I don’t mean Prince.

    Q: I have a whole mess of VBA code that Microsoft tells me I’m going to have to port to AppleScript. I’m on kind of a tight deadline. Kind of need it by Tuesday afternoon.
    A: Uh, OK. Well, how much code are we talking about?
    Q: Hmm, let’s see… take the Excel documents and add them to the Word documents… carry the one… uh, about 3800 files.
    A: …
    Q: …
    A: …
    Q: Well, shoot. I mean, is there something else I can do?
    A: Have you considered suicide?
    Q: Mmm, not gonna help. I work for Satan.
    A: That would certainly explain all the VBA code.
    Q: Yep. And if I kill myself I just end up right back at the same desk.
    A: Man, that is one messed up HR policy.
    Q: Tell you what…

    Q: Oh, crappity crap crap crap.
    A: Oh, I think I know what this is.
    Q: Oh, shit. Oh… god. I really… oh, man, I really hosed it up this time.
    A: Yep. Yep. I know. You force quit during a system update.
    Q: I wish! No, this is much worse.
    A: OK. OK. You deleted your home directory.
    Q: No! C’mon! I mean a simple backup restore would fix that! Think big!
    A: Alright. I’m just getting warmed up. Uh… does it involve flames?
    Q: Not exactly, but you’re getting closer.
    A: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your Mac’s been possessed by the Unholy Prince of Darkness!
    Q: Uh, you overshot it a bit.
    A: Oh.
    Q: That would totally involve flames. But how would that even happen?
    A: Oh, it happens. You have to have a familiar and, uh, then there’s a key combination where you press 6 three times and… it’s kind of complicated.

    Q: I’ve been a PC user all my life but recently I’ve been reconsidering and I’d like to get a Mac. But… there’s a problem…
    A: You sold your soul to Satan and you think you can’t have a Mac because it’ll reject you because you have no soul.
    Q: Uh… yeah. Wow. That’s right. How’d you know that?
    A: I’ve been doing this for a while. Unfortunately for you, though, you’re right. A Mac’s going to run away from you like a monkey from a jungle fire.
    Q: Oh. Well, what if I collected some other people’s souls and rolled in them? Kind of masked my scent.
    A: Um, no. This is a Mac we’re talking about here. It’s not a 500 Mhz Compaq running Windows 98.
    Q: Well, what if it was a lot of souls? Of, like… puppies.
    A: No! Frankly, I don’t even think that’s going to fool Ubuntu.
    Q: Man! You know, it looked really cool in the all the brochures, but selling your soul to Satan is totally not what it’s cracked up to be!

  13. D0c, I know you meant well, but you messed up the plan. We were trying to get Moof to post two archival Help Desks in a row so we could accuse him of stacking.

  14. Every Friday, the losers who still hang around CARS (we are getting fewer and fewer, Moltz!) blatantly steal old Friday Night Help Desk articles in an attempt to maintain our sanity until John comes to his senses and comes back and / or the sexbots finally get out of beta.

    No Help Desk tonight.

    We have other matters to attend to.

    In the comments, help yourselves.

    To… uh… some…


  15. Well it was a good idea while it lasted, but I won’t be doing it any more. I think I will be on hate-us like Moltz.

  16. Moof, he typed, with tears in his eyes, the community needs you and your Help Desk postings.

    *Will that work?*

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  18. Looks like that spam post two spots earlier flipped this little corner of the CARS universe upside-down. If we hit 500, will it flip back?

    Sixty-one to go, if we want to find out…

  19. My theory is that Masako took time during the hiatus to get her Doctorate in Tweakology, and she’s come back and miraculously fixed WordPress. Just like when Scotty tells the Captain it’s hopeless as he he jiggles the frannistan and they suddenly jump into hyperspace.

  20. Well just put ‘Mac’ in front of everything and make bagpipe noises. Annoys the hell out of those from North of the Solway Firth.

  21. If you were enjoying a fine whiskey there, would that be having a fifth by the Firth of Forth?

  22. Correction:-In these days of inflation, now known as the Firth of Fifth.

    Sorry, correction:-MacFirth Macof Macthe MacFifth.

  23. I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Hiatus? They *loved* us!, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

  24. Daniel, you need to work on your pickup lines. That particular one is overused and rather nerdy. You need a more forceful, confident line if you hope to score any spambot babes around here.

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