Author: CARS Staff

Apple Working On Killer App For The iPhone.

Sources inside Apple’s software engineering group indicate that the company is hard at work putting the finishing touches on the killer app for the iPhone, which is set to be released next month.

As users have come to expect from Apple, the application takes a real-world problem and delivers an integrated solution featuring an ease of use unlike anything else currently available.

According to sources, by combining Google Maps, Craig’s List and the iPhone, Apple will provide the mobile cellular customer a heretofore unknown ability to easily find hookers and strip joints.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, CEO Steve Jobs said “By leveraging our existing relationship with Google and a new one we’ve forged with Craig’s List, we’ll have randy cell phone users satisfied faster than you can say…

“Well, something dirty.”

The application is called iVice and uses APIs specially written for Apple that allow the iPhone to provide a Google Map of the closest prostitutes and adult entertainment outlets posted to Craig’s List.

“Craig’s List – the most complete list of live adult entertainment data – provides the addresses which Google Maps – the best mapping application – displays on the iPhone – the most revolutionary mobile platform,” Jobs explained.

“This just made sense.”

“And I’d like to see someone say the iPhone doesn’t have a serious business application now. If ever there was a business application, this is it.”

Other than Jobs, Apple representative declined to comment for this story because they thought Jobs would get mad.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And you’ll be happy to know that this week we have a Help Desk episode for you! Uh, unfortunately, we somehow lost the middle parts in post-production. I’m not sure how that happened. We’ve got the first line and the last line, but that’s it.

Hey, that’s an improvement over the last two weeks, right?

OK, let’s see what we’ve got.

Q: I have a brand new 8-core Mac Pro and I need to do some high-end video editing. I’ve got enough horse power, of course, but I’m concerned about my storage. What’s a reasonable amount of storage for high-end video processing?
A:
Q:
A: That’s not salad dressing.

Hmm. That was an odd one. Uh… I’m not sure what was going on there.

It… uh…

Well, let’s try the next one.

Q: My iMac seems to have a problem connecting to iChat. I can get through on the same network using my MacBook, but not on the iMac. What am I doing wrong?
A:
Q:
A: Well, that’s fine for you, but what about the manatee?!

I think that had something to do with sea mammals.

Well, obviously, but I mean Mac-using sea mammals.

Q: My PowerBook has served me well for several years now, but I’m thinking it’s time to upgrade to a MacBook Pro. What are the considerations I should make?
A:
Q:
UGLUK: [glack] Ugh. Uh… me think me swallow it.

Now that one I remember! Ha-ha! Ahh…

But, uh, you kind of had to be there.

Notes From Apple's Shareholder Meeting.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were able to slip into Apple’s shareholder meeting today by posing as baby seals and saying “We’re with Greenpeace” when asked.

Here are our notes from the meeting.

Apple declined to comment for these notes.

Other than all the commenting.

Growth In Online Mac Presence Explained.

A report stating that the online presence of Macs in the U.S. doubled in the last eight months has been trumpeted across the Mac web as a sign of the platform’s growing success.

However, a subsequent analysis of the data by the firm WebSideStory has revealed that the growth does not come from an increase in the number of Macs online, but in the activity from Mac users.

Or, specifically, Mac user Adam Ballenger of Portland, Oregon.

By correlating the IP addresses in the data, WebSideStory was able to pinpoint a dramatic increase in traffic from Ballenger’s iMac.

“At first we were unable to explain how the increase in traffic correlated so closely with the U.S.,” said WebSideStory analyst Richard Marquist. “Then we realized it correlated with Oregon. Then we realized it was Portland.”

And then they found Ballenger.

Reached at his apartment, 25-year-old Ballenger explained how he personally managed to surf as much as all other Mac users in the U.S.

“Back in September,” Ballenger said, “I discovered this thing – I don’t know if you’ve heard about it…

“But there are these sites… online… that have pictures of naked women on them! Yeah, I know! It’s hard to believe! But that’s not all. Some of them even have pictures of people having sex! It is just… wild! I mean, I was just surfing along and BLAMMO! I had never seen anything like that before! I thought, ‘Hey, I want to see more of this!‘ Holy smokes!”

And so Ballenger did. He hasn’t left his apartment in eight months but he has drastically impacted his platform of choice.

Unfortunately for the Mac, he believes the increase in its online market share is at an end.

“I can keep surfing, but there’s just so much self-gratification a guy can do. It’s been eight months. I’m exhausted. I think I need a break.”

Apple declined to comment for this story but several Portland area pizzerias indicated that the company has been delivering free pies to Ballenger’s address for the past five months.

iMacs May Be Delayed.

Apple fans hoping that next months Worldwide Developers Conference would bring new iMacs will be disappointed to learn that their fate is still unknown.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that new iMacs may delayed because Apple is totally messing with this one guy from Bloomington.

According to sources, new iMacs will not be released until exactly two weeks and one day after 36-year-old Matt Wilson of Bloomington, Minn., buys a current model, whenever that should be.

CEO Steve Jobs, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller and chief operating officer Tim Cook were beside themselves with laughter recounting their treatment of Wilson.

According to Jobs, Apple has been tormenting Wilson since he emailed steve@apple.com in April of 2001 to inquire when new iBooks would be shipping.

“I mean, like I’m going to tell this guy!” Jobs said. “I’m Steve Jobs! As if!

“Then he buys a Titanium PowerBook exactly two weeks and one day before we release the new iBook and he’s totally irate!

“So we totally just had to mess with him after that. And we’ve been doing it ever since. USB 2.0 iMac in 2003. Click wheel iPod in 2004. iBook G4 in 2005. What a maroon.”

“And now… now…” Jobs said, barely able to control his amusement. “Now I’ve got my monkeys from the Mall of America store on constant alert, following this guy, and he keeps coming in and asking… [snort]…”

“Stop it!” howled Cook, who was lying on the floor, pounding it with his fist and heaving with laughter.

“Don’t say it again!” Schiller begged, clutching his stomach. “I think my spleen is going to pop!”

“He keeps asking ‘When are the new iMacs coming?’!” Jobs blurted, causing another round of unbridled amusement.

Unfortunately for others waiting for new iMacs, Wilson has had enough.

“I’m totally not budging on this,” said an oblivious but determined Wilson. “No way, man. I mean, I don’t know what force has been working against me lo these past five years… Fate? Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s Satan. Or some lesser demon… I don’t know… but I’m going to beat it this time.

“Unless I have to rip some DVDs or something. Because 1 Ghz just isn’t cutting it.”