CARS Staff

New Apple EULA Contains New Restrictions.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from highly reliable sources that Apple is preparing a new end-user license agreement (EULA) for its hardware products.

Annoyed that the company’s products are frequently featured in advertising, stock photos or entertainment with the signature Apple logo removed by digital editing or other means, Apple will now demand that all photographs and video of its products clearly display the Apple logo.

This agreement will be implemented as seal on the lip of the plastic bag normally covering Apple hardware. Breaking the seal will constitute agreeing to the EULA.

A visibly drunk senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller slurred “You know, we put that shtupid logo on there for a reason. I don’t need Veronica fricking Mars putting a god damn flower vashe in front of it every time her MacBook Pro’s in a shot.

“Fricking pisses me off.”

Schiller took another slug of his Jager-bomb and yelled “I’m trying to shell shome computers here!”

“If I want to put my genitalia over the Apple logo on my MacBook, have a picture taken of it from between my legs and then post it to a chat room,” said Cory Doctorow, “that’s my right as an Apple customer! It’s my machine and I con violate it however I like! I mean, I put Ubuntu on the damn thing! Humping the Apple logo is nothing.”

Other than Schiller, Apple declined to comment for this story. And we had to drive him home.

Misinformation Campaign Explains A Lot.

According to an anonymous Apple programmer, the supposed “Asteroid” project was part of a misinformation campaign by CEO Steve Jobs intended to trap leakers.

In retrospect, if true, this explains several odd rumors that have been seen in the past several years. Now sources tell Crazy Apple Rumors Site that it took Apple several tries before it perfected the formula.

“I remember in the summer of 2002 I was standing on a street corner,” a source said, “and up comes Phil Schiller in a trench coat and he says ‘Uh, hey, want to see the plans for the new Apple… uh… portable… uh… micro… holo… projector… oscillation… over-thruster… flux… capacitor… uh… thing?’

“And I’m, like, no. And he’s, like, c’mon. And I’m, like, no, I’m cool. And finally he walks off looking all dejected.

“The whole thing was especially weird because I don’t run a rumor site. I don’t even own a Mac.

“And I’m Amish. I mean, like, really obviously Amish. I have no idea what he was thinking. ‘I’m going to dump a bogus rumor on this Amish dude?’ What the frack?”

Reacting to the surprise on reporters faces, the source added “Oh, what, Amish dudes can’t watch BSG? Oh, man, that is such a stereotype.

“A true stereotype, but a stereotype nonetheless. I mean, I am so not supposed to watch BSG. But there I am every Sunday night…”

The news about Apple’s misinformation campaign also explains the following incidents:

In the summer of 2003, Apple Insider received anonymous tips that Apple was “cool” and its products “way boss”.

The 1-800-GET-RMRS number Apple set up in May of 2004.

A report in early 2005 on Think Secret indicating that Steve Jobs “is a wildcat in the sack.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did push a manila envelope containing plans for new touch-screen Cinema Displays that are supposedly coming out next month across the table and raise its eyebrows several times.

iPhone Details Leaked.

Apple sources confirmed today in an off-the-record interview that the iPhone would support eighty frequency bands, up from the seven bands promised during the product’s introduction in January.

Worldwide GSM phones typically support four frequency bands, or ranges of spectrum, because of the differences in licenses for use of the airwaves in different countries and regulatory domains. An additional three or more bands are needed for data support.

Apple spokesperson Anuj Nayar, who confirmed before the interview that his name would not be used nor the contents of the interview disclosed, said, “We’re just here to blow that out of the water, just like everything that comes from Apple.”

Nayar explained that 20 of the additional bands would allow the iPhone to be used in micro-nations that had strange licensing requirements. “Rapa Nui, get ready for the iPhone!” he cried.

But, Nayar continued, an additional 25 bands would allow the iPhone to work “anywhere there’s a radio playing or the television on.” Just as in the countless science-fiction movies, the iPhone can take over any normal broadcast means for its own purposes.

Nayar confirmed that the iPhone “would not be evil in its normal operation”.

Additional band support include infra-infra-sonic, allowing the iPhone to use 4 herz (Hz) ground waves that can penetrate hundreds of miles underground to speak to mole people – “You know, mole people,” Nayar said – and the resonance frequency of krypton, oxygen, and several “of your favorite elements.”

The Beatles will be allotted a special super-band so that the iPhone can produce Beatles tunes by being placed near your old vinyl copies of the band’s albums.

“But don’t tell the RIAA!” Nayar laughed. “Ooh, boy, they don’t like you not paying for it twice! Ha-ha!

“Uhh… this conversation never happened, right?”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today’s Help Desk answers the musical question…

Q: How does Apple do that voodoo that it does so well?

A: Well, as a matter of fact, it turns out that it’s real voodoo. So, uh, as far as how they do it… I think it’s mostly chicken blood.

Q: I’ve owned Macs for about ten years now and I’ve always wondered, is Apple down with OPP?

A: Oh, yes, totally. Apple’s been down with OPP for, what, two years now?

Q: Wow. Really? Like, who? You said something about Melinda Gates the other day. Is it Melinda Gates?

A: What? What does she have to do with Other People’s Processors?

Q: Huh?

A: Other People’s Processors. You know… when Apple switched to Intel and got down with OPP.

Q: Uh…

A: What did you think it meant?

Q: I’d… rather not say now.

Q: Is this burning I feel for my MacBook an eternal flame?

A: While I’m sure you like your MacBook very much, no.

Q: Oh. So it’s probably just processor heat. Should I just get a Podium Pad or something?

A: Uh… well, sadly, in your case, only some of the burning is processor heat. The rest is VD.

Q: Oh. Wait a minute, how do you know?

A: Oh, we know. We know. For some reason we have sources at Apple and also down at the clinic. I’m still not really sure why.

Apple Clarifies Apple TV Delay.

Sources close to Apple revealed today that the Daylight Savings Time Update package for Tiger and Panther contain a special enhancement required for use of the upcoming Apple TV media adapter: February 2007, will have 63 days in it.

Due to Apple’s promise to deliver the Apple TV “in February, and their failure to have product ready by the traditional end of the month, which contains 28 days in years other than leap years, CEO Steve Jobs opted to manipulate the calendar for his purposes.

“Technically, by agreeing to our software licensing terms, Mac users also agree to be governed by the Stephorian calendar which, admittedly, is a term I just made up,” said Apple senior vice president for worldwide marketing, Phil Schiller, who asked to not be identified in association with this article.

“Under the conditions of that license, Apple can make arbitrary changes to the length of a second or a day, or change the length of months and years,” Schiller said.

“Actually, if you read it closely, we can pretty much do anything we want. I can’t believe you people just click through those things.

“A lot of our customers have been asking us for 30-hour days and 10-day weeks for a while. Yes, we know they were kidding, but it’s too late for jokes now, folks.”

Along with the 63-day February, the year following 2009 will be known as 200X, and Bill Gates’s birth date, along with the birth dates of all his children – but not Melinda, for some reason – will be removed from future Apple calendars.

Because the ubiquitous iPod also uses the same set of calendars, the changes are expected to gain immediate popularity. Linux users will be required to develop their own patches to conform to the Apple calendar. As Apple is unlikely to license the Stephorian calendar for Windows, users of that platform will soon be called “February 63rd Fools” and be forced to move to a small rural community in Indiana.

The Apple TV is schedule to ship by Feb. 63rd, unless further developments make the cancellation of summer necessary.