Author: CARS Staff

In an event that has been hailed throughout the Apple community, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, technology columnist John Dvorak and Rob Enderle [EDITOR’S NOTE: Whatever he is. He can’t be a consultant, right? I mean who would pay for that? Fish? Is he a fish? What the hell is he? Beats the hell out of me. I know “mammal” isn’t right. Let’s just say he’s a fish.] have all somehow managed to get their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe in North Dakota.

Farmer Randall McKay witnessed the event and recounted it while standing a safe distance away from the scene, his breath fogging in the cold air.

“I seen Enderle there walk by first. He seemed headed straight across the field at first but then saw the spigot I use ta do the waterin’. Not sure why he decided ta lick it. No explanin’ a technology jerk.”

McKay said Ballmer stumbled by next and became likewise ensnared and was followed shortly thereafter by Dvorak.

“I meant ta take that pipe outta there,” said McKay, “after one o’ Jedd Clawson’s cows got stuck ta it last year. Ya never heard so much painful mooin’. Well, until now, a-course.”

Despite the bizarre sight of three big names in the technology world mooing woefully, their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe, McKay took it in stride.

“Not a lot o’ people know this, but this is where technology jerks come from. And they always come back, usually to breed. Or, in the case o’ Enderle there, to spawn. They don’t come to do that until spring a-course when the trophy wives are in heat, but sometimes the vast open prairie beckons them with its siren’s song.

“Or, other times city folk’ll drive ’em out here and just shove ’em outta the car.”

Sheriff and animal control warden Dave Rohrbacker arrived to assess the situation.

“Clearly we’re not dealing with bright animals, here,” said Rohrbacker.

“We could just rip them off the pipe, but there’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded technology jerk.

“Except, of course, for a bear. Or a badger. Or a… poodle. Or… well, OK, there’s a lot of things more dangerous. But few more annoying.

“It’s a pity, but we might have to euthanize them.”

Rohrbacker headed back to his patrol car, which sported a sticker that read “NDMUG”, to get his shotgun.

With the drama of the Apple iPhone announcement at Macworld Expo last week, another notable event sadly went relatively unnoticed.

ZDNet blogger George Ou, who visited the expo exhibit floor, was bestowed a richly deserved wedgie by the Apple Community.

Ou is the second person to receive the highly coveted Apple Community Wedgie, the first having been delivered to Michael Dell in 2001.

“The Wedgie recognizes an individual who has gone above and beyond the call of jackassitude in his or her relationship with the Apple community,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “George was this year’s recipient for his paranoid ranting about Apple’s supposedly orchestrated smear campaign against David Maynor and Jon Ellch and his many invocations of Artie MacStrawman.

“Kudos to you, George. Well done.”

Once Ou was spotted on the showroom floor, Gruber and Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz discussed delivering the wedgie themselves, but eventually decided the job would best be handled by Fake Steve and the Macalope, in case there was any resulting litigation.

Ou may have had the last laugh, however, as he said shortly after the wedgie-ing that he liked a “snug fit” anyway and did not intend to make any “adjustments.”

“I’m good,” Ou said, running a hand across his waistband.

Indeed, those who know Ou indicated that his pants are always hiked up extraordinarily high, his belt well above his navel.

Apple declined to comment for this story and asked, again, that we stop calling.