Author: CARS Staff

Apple Spokesperson Makes Startling Security Revelations.

When asked to comment on the recent Security Bitch Watch controvery (now concluding day 8!), the usually inscrutable Apple spokesperson Lynn Fox made several telling comments about the state of Mac security.

Many hours have been spent poring over Fox’s comments of a week ago Friday and whether or not they represent an outright refutal of SecureWorks claims or are just so much PR speak. Indeed, many of Fox’s comments in today’s interview might have gone unnoticed by less seasoned reporters.

Fox began by reiterating the company’s statement that SecureWorks has not presented Apple with any evidence that the Airport firmware and software supplied with the MacBook is suceptible to the attack shown in their video demonstration.

She added, however that “What surprises us is that Maynor and Ellch completely missed the massive security flaw in our Bluetooth stack.

“For instance,” Fox said, “Simply pairing a Bluetooth headset with Mac OS X for Intel causes the system to turn on remote access, remove the root password, and erase several key user-data files.

“And don’t get me started on USB,” she said, her words slurring.

“I don’t even want to talk about USB. Listen, if you mention USB, I’m going to hit you so hard you won’t even remember that plugging in a camera to a USB connection on the Mac automatically sends browser caches to the NSA.”

Fox stopped to take a slug from a small, opaque bottle she carried with her.

“Now, I’m not going to talk at all about the TCP/IP problems. Not all. So I won’t even explain that attempting to connect to AppleShare over IP with the user name ‘sjobs’ exposes the entire contents of all attached drives, all networked drives with stored passwords, and initiates password cracking against all computers on the ISP’s attached network.

“No, sirree,” Fox said, slumping quietly to the floor. “No, sirree.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, shortly after Fox passed out.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,

Q: If you happen to see someone using a third party card, is it ethical to tap into their MacBook using this hack?
A: No! Not at all! I mean, you wouldn’t use their toothbrush would you?
Q: No. Well… no. But, I mean, what if you suspected they might have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive?
A: Dude…
Q: Well, I just… I’m trying to… just trying to figure out the etiquette…
A: Dude, if you suspect they have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive, you grab the laptop and run like hell.
Q: Oh.
A: To my house.
Q: Uh… right.

Q: I have a MacBook that I’m trying to initiate the SecureWorks Wifi hack from but I’m having some trouble. I try sticking the cigarette into my eye, but find that my eyelid descends at the last minute to block it. Any tips for keeping your eye open?
A: I’ve found those things they used on Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange work really well, but Chet swears you can get the same results from ordinary toothpicks. At any rate, if you just keep at it, you’re likely to burn right through your eyelid and that’ll get the job done.
Q: And, refresh my memory… how does this help me wirelessly hack something?
A: Uh… actually, I think it’s supposed to help make your Mac more secure. Or something. To be frank, I’m kind of confused on that point.
Q: Gosh. There’s so much I don’t understand about computer security.
A: It is complicated. I guess that’s why we need the help of professionals.
Q: Mmm-hmm.

Q: I know the whole Mac universe is up in arms about this whole thing, but I’m just not seeing it. Why should I care about this?
A: Wha-why should you care?! Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you like having your eye burned out with a cigarette.
Q: C’mon, they apologized for that.
A: That’s so nice! All is forgiven! Now if I could just see out of my left eye…
Q: Oh, stop it. Look, there’s a very real chance they may actually have a hack of Airport. Why heap so much shit on them? It’s just another case of the Mac community run amok.
A: Yeah, well, if someone decides they’re going to kick a hornet’s nest, I don’t have a lot of sympathy when they go crying to their momma – or George Ou – when they get stung.
Q: Well, I guess that’s a good point.
A: Oh, and you know what else?
Q: You’re kind of worked up over this.
A: Let me just make this other point…
Q: No. No. It’s OK, dude.
A: No! NO! It’s NOT OK! See, what I was going to say is that…
Q: I’ll just… let myself out…

Everybody Tired of One Mac User.

Yet another Apple nay-sayer has fallen afoul of the one member of the Macintosh community that everyone wishes would just go away.

According to a blog post by George Ou (link via Daring Fireball), Artie MacStrawman is at it again.

Ou claims that MacStrawman disparaged the character of the security professionals who are quoted as having claimed to have wirelessly hacked Apple’s Airport drivers, a claim refuted by Apple.

Further, Ou says that MacStrawman threatened to kill one of the professionals – David Maynor – and his imaginary dog.

Mac users will remember MacStrawman as the Mac user who:

  • Says the Mac is utterly invulnerable to any and all malicious attack.
  • Mindlessly worships Steve Jobs.
  • Blindly buys anything Apple releases no matter how dumb and stupid and dumb it is.
  • Refuses to accept that Windows might be better at anything. Even being Windows.
  • Emails death threats to anyone who disagrees with him.

Daring Fireball’s John Gruber said “I just wish that guy’d switch to Windows or Ubuntu or something.

“But… he’s Artie MacStrawman. So I guess that’s not going to happen.”

Complicating matters is the fact that MacStrawman may have initiated the entire controversy. According to Maynor, it was MacStrawman’s argument that the Mac is utterly impregnable to attack that caused him to hack a MacBook using a third-party wireless card and driver and then claim that he could do the same thing with an Airport card and driver without actually having tried it.

Maynor did admit that he was the first to issue a threat, saying that he wanted to stick a lit cigarette into MacStrawman’s eye.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Maynor said. “It’s just that that guy really bugs me.”

At least on this point, Maynor and the Mac community can agree. Artie MacStrawman bugs everyone.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Power Mac G5 and I upgraded the OS to Tiger five months ago. My problem is, for some reason I still don’t have smart folders. All I have are these stupid folders. Like this one. “System.” What’s that? Stupid. “Applications.” Stupid. Where are the smart folders? The folders that totally rule? ‘Cause all I see are these dumbass folders.
A: Uh… well, smart folders are folders that you configure to contain files that match certain parameters that you set.
Q: What?
A: You, um, you go to the Finder and go to the file menu and choose New Smart Folder. Then you set the paramaters for the kind of file…
Q: No, no, no! I don’t want folder that will put a bunch of files together! I want folders that will help me crush my enemies!
A: Oh. Uh… I think you’re going to have to go with a third party solution for that.
Q: Hmph. Well, is there something you can recommend?
A: Uh, I hear Folders Of Vengeance is good.
Q: Oooh…

Q: I have a Mac mini and I installed Boot Camp on it as soon as it came out. I’ve been running Windows and I really like it. So much so that I’m really thinking of switching from the Mac to Windows.
A: Oh. That’s too bad. What is it you like about Windows so much?
Q: Well, it’s free! I mean, I just downloaded it from www.ubuntu.com and installed it!
A: Uh… that’s not Windows. That’s Ubuntu.
Q: Oh. Ubuntu?
A: Yeah. I’ts a Linux distribution. Supposed to be good for you.
Q: Huh.
A: Yeah. Totally different operating system.
Q: Wow. I guess that explains all the free apps and all the compiling and stuff.
A: Yeah.
Q: Well, if I’m going to be a Linux user, does this mean I have to stop showering?
A: Not completely, but no more than once a week. Also, you have to go on long, boring rants about DRM.
Q: Hmm. I guess I can do that.
A: You also have to get really big, out-of-style glasses. And women are out of the question.
Q: Ugh. See, I’m just not sure I’m ready for… you know… the Linux lifestyle.
A: I know what you mean. Personally, if I’m not going to have sex with women, I’d rather just go gay than Linux.
Q: Oh. That… gay… sounds nice. Kind of happy. What OS do I install to do that?
A: There’s no OS. There is some butt sex.
Q: What?
A: I was… just kind of kidding.
Q: Oh.

Q: I have a black MacBook that I recently maxed out on RAM. I do a lot of Keynote presentations and the RAM really seems to help. But my question isn’t about that. My question is, who’s the bigger hack: Paul Thurrott or Rob Enderle?
A: Oh. Wow. Uh… boy…
Q: It’s tough to pick just one, isn’t it?
A: Yes, it is! Ooh, wow.
Q: I’m going to need an answer, though.
A: OK. OK. I’ve gotta go with Enderle. I mean, Thurrott’s got his biases, but Enderle is just wrong all the time. He disproves the broken clock theory.
Q: Enderle is correct! OK, let’s move on to question 2. Who’s a bigger prima donna, Jason O’Grady or Dan Knight?
A: Another tough call. But I’m going to go with O’Grady, as LowEndMac actually has valuable content.
Q: The answer is… O’Grady!
A: Yes!
Q: OK. Just one more, for all the money, the car and the lifetime supply of Vagisil.
A: I’m ready.
Q: John Dvorak or Steve Ballmer – who eats more ass?
A: Ohh!
Q: Yes? You’re smiling!
A: I know this one! It’s Dvorak!
Q: THAT IS CORRECT! John C. Dvorak does eat more ass than Steve Ballmer! Congratulations! You’ve won the money, the car, and the lifetime supply of Vagisil!
A: I already know where I’m going to use that, Ted!
Q: That’s all the time we have. I want to thank all our other contestants and we’ll see you next time on Mac Community Quiz!

Nothing tonight.

We’re going out.

In the comments, please tell us – in detail – what kind of features you’d have if you were an iPod killer.

Wireless?

Unlimited DRM-free downloads?

Hot lesbian action?

Bring it.