Author: CARS Staff

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve been reading stories of Dell laptops that blow up. I’m currently using a Dell Inspiron and I’m just wondering, is there any way to induce that?
A: Uhhh, you mean to make your laptop blow up?
Q: Yeah.
A: Why would you want to do that?
Q: Well, obviously if my laptop blows up, then I have to go out and get a new laptop. Like a MacBook.
A: That seems like rather an expensive way to go about it. Couldn’t you just sell your existing Dell and buy a MacBook?
Q: Pff. Yes, mother, I could, but then nothing will have blown up!
A: OK, so it’s at least partly about seeing something blow up.
Q: Well, I should get something out of this.
A: Other than a new laptop.
Q: God! Why are you making this so difficult?!

Q: I have a series of AppleWorks databases that I want to migrate to MySQL. I have the database structure set up in the destination system, but I’m not sure how to best get the data out of AppleWorks. What do you recommend?
A: My friend, you are about to embark upon a journey at once exciting and dangerous. If you mean to do this… this… export… you speak of… will you have the will to see it through?
Q: Uh… I think so. What are we talking here?
A: Dark magics. The darkest magics.
Q: Oh, you say that all the time…
A: No. No. Well… yes. I do. But this time I really mean it.
Q: Sure you do.
A: No. I do. Uh… look… first you have to draw a pentagram…
Q: You know what? I’m just going to export them to ASCII and then take it from there.
A: No! No, don’t do that! You have to get a goat!
Q: Mmm, I don’t think so.
A: You must appease Gorto!
Q: Gorto will understand.

Q: Oh, man, are you gonna take that?! That bitch just totally used your toothbrush!
A: What am I supposed to do? If he wants to commit acts against Gorto it’s his funeral.
Q: Wow. Gorto’s really that strict?
A: Well… “funeral” is really sort of an exaggeration. Or a metaphor. Or maybe I”m just talking about a funeral for his data.
Q: Wait, what? He’s just going to lose his data? What the hell kind of demon god vengance is that?
A: Losing your data is no laughing matter. Unless it’s, like, some Creed MP3s or something.
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s not like the dude’s guts are going to wind up wrapped around his neck or he’s going to have scorpions for hands or… or chafing around his junk or anything. He’s probably got a backup.
A: He doesn’t have a backup. Gorto has seen to that.
Q: Gorto took his backup?
A: No. Gorto… um… left his backup CDs on the dash of his Impala. In the sun.
Q: Right. You know, I’m starting to think this Gorto’s not really that much of a badass.
A: Dude, he’s got an Impala! It don’t get any badder-assed than that!
Q: Uh-huh.

iPods Apparently Sometimes Break.

An article in the Chicago Tribune laments the “pain in the iPod”, which is reportedly its propensity to break down (link via Infinite Loop).

According to an unscientific Macintouch survey referenced in the article, iPods have a 13.7 percent failure rate and models that are no longer available for purchase are more likely to have failed than currently available iPods.

“Whether this is because newer iPods are built better or because they just haven’t had as much time to fail was not covered by our unscientific survey,” said Macintouch’s Ric Ford.

Because the survey was voluntary, Ford admitted that people with an axe to grind might have been more likely to respond.

“We also had some kids who wrote ‘booger’ in for every answer,” Ford said. “After some discussion we decided not to count those.”

Ford declined to offer an opinion on whether or not 13.7 percent was high.

“What I will say is, if I’m someday forced to return to the past to prevent a robot apocalypse in the future, I’m not going to be picking up an iPod while I’m there, because it’ll be more likely to break down.

“Plus, there’s the whole issue of having to be naked for time travel. I mean, you might get a shuffle through, but I’m not bringing back a 40 GB click wheel one, if you know what I mean.”

Ford then acted out what he thought a robot apocalypse might look like using several Transformers he happened to have handy.

Also quoted in the article was (surprise!) the habitually incorrect Rob Enderle. Enderle apparently had to stand up to pull, not a 40 GB click wheel iPod, but a number from his ass. Miraculously, Enderle’s number echoed Macintouch’s, rounding it up to 15 percent so it would sound like he had independent confirmation.

Enderle said that this was comparable to cell phone failure rates but added that “cell phones are much easier and cheaper to repair” than iPods.

When asked if he had ever actually owned a cell phone or an iPod or had dealt with a cellular provider or Apple repair, Enderle said he prefers to use walkie-talkies and hum to himself.

Apple Announces Largest Purchase in Corporate History

Apple Computer today said that it is ramping up production to fulfill the largest single order ever placed in the company’s storied history: one billion McBoookS that will be shipped to a post office box in Lagos, Nigeria, and paid for by cashier’s check.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “This single order justifies the sleepless nights of many thousands of Apple employees, and our decision to switch to Intel processors. We’re thrilled by this out-of-the-blue relationship with our new biggest client.”

The order, received via email along with what appeared to be several thousand similar orders – which Apple believes must have been an accidental duplication – asked for the McBoookS to be sent immediately to a Mr. Sonni Abachi (Madam). While Apple makes MacBooks and MacBook Pros, the company, until today, has not offered anything called “McBoookS.” In a concession to the size of the order, however, the product will be produced in a limited, one billion unit run for the customer.

Mr. Abachi (Madam) could only be reached via email, and confirmed that he (or she) had plans for the computers.

“In good Christ,” Mr. Abachi (Madam) wrote, “All computerss will die..and thus planning for out of country funds over to a peeoples through out the world.;;.”

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer admitted “The dialog with Mr. Abachi (Madam) has been a little rough.

“But he said ‘In good Christ’, so we’re sure it’s all on the up and up.”

Some of the emails had offered cash taken from briefcases of several dead African warlords in lieu of the cashier’s check, but Apple was unsure where it could exchange Botswanan pulas. Also, Steve Jobs would have had to fly to Geneva 30 days after the McBoookS shipped in order to collect.

Mr. Abachi (Madam) said the cashier’s check would be made out for $1.7 trillion, despite the fact that Apple has stated the order’s value as $1.5 trillion.

Oppenheimer said Mr. Abachi (Madam) asked for the $200 billion above the order to be wired to a cousin in Los Angeles who had been ill.

Apple will ship the computers immediately upon receipt of the cashier’s check – expected any day – and will immediately run to the bank to deposit it.

Who Is Rob Enderle?

He has been called a “forward-looking analyst.”

A “respected technology pundit.”

An “endless font of quotes you can get quickly on deadline.”

And a “clueless monkey dick sucking numbskull.”

But who is Rob Enderle?

After Enderle was quoted in numerous articles about the Microsoft Zune noting how wicked boss it’s going to be, Crazy Apple Rumors Site conducted an in-depth look into this technology industry mover and shaker.

Rob Enderle was raised by a family of rabid weasels living under miner Earl Schmight’s trailer in the Happy Havens trailer park in Upper Turkeyfoot, Penn.

“I remember Rob running around here as a youngster,” Schmight said. “I’d yell at him ‘GIT OFF DA DAG BURN FORD FAIRLANE, ENDERLE! GOD DAMMIT, YOU’RE GONNA END UP NOTHIN’ BUT A HACK TECHNOLOGY PUNDIT!'”

Spitting on the ground, Schmight said “Turns out I was right.”

According to sources, Enderle learned everything he knows about technology by watching a turn-of-the-century stereopticon of two monkeys mating. Some time around 1995, Enderle lay wallowing in a mosquito-infested bog in south Florida when inspiration hit him. Rising from the sludge, Enderle uttered the words that would define his career: “Microsoft good. Apple bad.”

Park Ranger David Marchesi witnessed the event.

“He stood up right over there,” Marchesi said, pointing to a fetid pool of swamp ooze.

“Scared the bejeezus out of me.

“Snakes. Lizards. Alligators. Your occasional swamp thing. Those I can handle. But I don’t cotton to those technology pundits. No sir, I do not.”

Enderle has made a substantial name for himself* using the tried and true “No one ever got fired for recommending Microsoft” principle. What has earned him such enmity in the Macintosh community is his seemingly willful misunderstanding of anything Apple.

“It’s like reading the analysis of a meth-addled circus poodle,” said John C. Welch.

“I mean, seriously, how consistently wrong can one person be and still get called for an opinion?

“NO! Don’t end the article! I need someone to answer that question for me! HOW WRONG DOES HE HAVE TO BE?! BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GET IT!”

* “Asshole.”

Microsoft Admits It Sucks And Is Stupid.

News broke on Friday that Microsoft had admitted that reports of its purported iPod killer – including details of its features – were true.

Analysts quickly determined that this admission means that the company has consequently fully admitted that it sucks and is stupid.

According to a Microsoft spokesperson, the device is, in fact, called “the Zune”, which is apparently a play on the word “tune” and some other unidentified word that starts with “z”.

Possibly “Zod“, the name of Superman’s nemesis, played by Terence Stamp, in Superman II.

“While all will bow before Zod,” technology columnist Glenn Fleishman said, “I don’t think the Zune is going to be as fearsome.

“Partially because the name blows.”

Other analysts noted that the technological “features” of the Zune – a subscription-based download service and the ability to transfer songs to other subscribers wirelessly – were distinctly “less than Zod.”

“People just love the subscription model,” Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said snidely.

“Oh, please, recording industry. I’ve already bought ‘Rubber Soul’ on vinyl, tape and CD. Now make me pay for it every day!”

Snell went on to point out that there was no better way to get the best out of a wireless network than to try transferring a 20 GB music collection over it.

“And I’m sure everyone will now start calling podcasts zunecasts,” Snell said, moving his fist up and down above his lap and rolling his eyes.

While Microsoft did not say in so many words that it sucks and is stupid, it did shift uncomfortably and attempt a weak smile.