CARS Staff

Apple Issues Warning On MacBook Screws.

Responding to the controversy over four screws on the sides of the recently released MacBook that a number of sites are reporting are “useless” and “purely for cosmetic purposes” Apple issued a dire warning today.

“Do not, under any circumstances remove those screws!” a concerned head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring said.

“Just… just don’t. OK? Seriously. You don’t need to do that. I mean, why… why would you want to do that? There’s no reason. None at all. So don’t.”

Visibly agitated, Mehring would not, however, explain why users should not attempt to remove the screws.

Far from quelling the controversy, Apple’s warning has only served to fuel the fire. Speculation is now raging over what the screws are for and what would be the result of removing them.

A report on AppleInsider claims that one user who removed the screws was spit out of this universe like a watermelon seed. A posting on Apple’s support forum speculated that the screws house an as-yet unused slot like the iMac’s Mezzanine slot, but this one being a “nuclear slot with, like, nuclear powers and radiation and stuff.”

But by far the most disturbing clue was found in what is purported to be an Apple technical note entitled “Periodic Maintenance of Quantum Screws on an Apple MacBook.”

According to this document, forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources in the know, the entire MacBook line was designed to create a quantum net intended to maintain the fragile fabric of the space/time continuum. Apple apparently picked up the contract for maintaining the space/time continuum when a company in the Argolis Cluster that previously did the work went out of business.

Physicists were dubious of the prospect.

“The space/time continuum doesn’t need maintenance,” said Dr. Russell Springer of the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “It just is.”

Pausing to reconsider, Springer added, “Still… probably better if you don’t futz with those screws.”

Apple Releases MacBook Non-Pro Edition.

After weeks of random speculation that the company would do so, Apple released the MacBook Amateur today. Reminiscent of the “Good, Better, Best” product differentiation strategy of the early 2000s, the MacBook Beginner comes in white and black varieties that are labelled “Good”, “Also Good” and “EVIL”.

Purchasers of “Evil” are warned, however, that their MacBook Junior will eventually attempt to shove them down the stairs in a wheelchair while screaming something awfully dirty about Jesus.

According to Apple, the MacBook For Dummies sports either a 1.83 GHz or 2.0 GHz Intel Core Duo processor and, when licked, tastes vaguely like Tang.

Some Apple watchers expressed concern that the MacBook No You Guys Go Ahead, I’ll Just Watch For A Little While is priced higher than the iBook it replaces, but Apple executives felt this was justified.

“This is a great starter MacBook for those who aren’t ready yet for a MacBook Pro,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked by some fresh-faced youngster ‘Gee, Mr. Schiller, I’d kinda like to sorta use a MacBook Pro, but golly gee willikers, I ain’t a pro at nothin’!’

“Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhh… Well… once, actually. I was asked that once. And my security detail quickly whisked him away. But the point is that many users would look at the PowerBook and the iBook and go ‘Hunnnnnh?’ Just like that. ‘Hunnnnnh?’ It was impossible to tell which one was for the professional and which one was for the layman. Other than the pricing. And all the marketing materials. Other than that, completely impossible.

“I suppose you could have asked someone. Like a Genius or a salesperson.

“But that’s it.”

The MacBook I’ll Just Have A Salad With Dressing On The Side goes on sale today.

Heinen Fired For Failure To Have Testicles.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen was released from the firm after failing to produce a pair of testicles.

According to sources within Apple’s Human Resources department, Heinen was asked by CEO Steve Jobs to provide validation that she did, in fact, have the pair of testicles that were explicitely listed as a requirement for employment in her contract with the firm.

“Apple has a strict policy that its senior executives be male,” a source said.

Heinen reportedly snuck in by cleverly exploiting a legal loophole by claiming that she owned a pair of testicles, even though they were not attached to her body.

“We also prefer our executive to be white,” the source added.

Indeed, perusing Apple’s recently updated executive profiles page indicates that, while all the current executives appear to have testicles, only Sina Tamaddon appears to be non-white. Unfortunately – and this may be a bad indicator for Tamaddon – while all the other executives’ links go to a brief biography and a high-resolution photo, only Tamaddon’s goes to just the photo.

As it is difficult then to determine his ethnicity, this has lead many Apple followers to conclude that Tamaddon is either a space alien or a robot.

Or both.

Heinen’s image, of course, was hastily removed from the page recently after a suspicious CEO Steve Jobs finally confronted her about the testicles.

“We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.

“She didn’t tell me where she got them and I didn’t ask.”

When push came to shove, however, Heinen was either unwilling or unable to produce a pair of testicles. Late in April, Heinen reportedly stalled for time by saying that she had “loaned out the testicles to a friend who had forgotten to return them and then went on vacation and [she] couldn’t get a hold of them.”

“Them” apparently meaning either the friend or the testicles. Apple’s male board members were apparently not impressed as they are usually quickly able to get a hold of their testicles.

The company has begun an executives search for a replacement for Heinen. The job posting reportedly reads “must have own – attached – testicles.

“Prefer that they be white.”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take a look at what happens when the Help Desk doesn’t get any calls.

It’s not pretty.

A: No, look, I’m just saying that at times the Hulk has had god-like strength, so if Superman fought him during one of those times, I think the Hulk would win.
MACGRUDER: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. Superman is just as strong as the Hulk, plus he’s smarter and has heat vision and shit. It’s not even a contest.
A: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.
MACGRUDER: Whatever. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.
A: Oh, stop it. OK, let’s move on to the next question. ‘Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannson – who would you rather do?’
MACGRUDER: What?! Oh, man! When did the GREs get so hard?!
A: …
MACGRUDER: What?
A: This isn’t the GRE. This is a quiz in Maxim.
MACGRUDER: Oh. Are you sure? There was that one that involved numbers.
A: That was about how many nipple slips Halle Berry had last year. And you answered that way too fast.
MACGRUDER: I… can have a hobby.

THOR: So then Schiller said to Tim Cook, you take either one, but the sexbot stays with me!
A: Ha-ha! Oh, man, that is classic!
THOR: I know!
UGLUK: Me no get it.
A: Ha-ha! What?
THOR: Oh. Well… you understand the “wing man” concept, don’t you?
UGLUK: Yes, but Schiller say ugly one have wide, child-bearing hips. Why he no want one with wide, child-bearing hips?
A: Uh…
THOR: Well, Ugluk, I think they were mostly just kidding around. We weren’t really going to go home with any of them.
UGLUK: Ugluk perhaps not find your fornication humor amusing. Procreation taken very seriously in my clan. Where – I have you know – wide, child-bearing hips seen as very attractive. Ugluk’s mother, for example, have wide, child-bearing hips.
A: Oh. Jeez.
THOR: I’m terribly sorry. That was very culturally insensitive of us.
A: Yes. I’m sorry.
UGLUK: …
THOR: …
A: …
UGLUK: Ha-ha! No, Ugluk just messing with you! Ha-ha!
THOR: What?
UGLUK: Ugluk like pretty women with large breasts just like next guy!
A: Oh! Ha-ha!
THOR: Ah! Good one!
UGLUK: You should have seen expression on face!
THOR: Ha-ha! Ah!
A: Ha-ha! Ahhh… Wait. Is liking wide, child-bearing hips the same as liking a big can? Because…
UGLUK: Dude…
THOR: Dude…
A: Well… I just want a ruling there.

HOWARD: Still no calls?
A: No. But, to tell the truth, I figured out around lunchtime that the phone wasn’t plugged in. I just left it that way. It’s just that I was getting so much done.
HOWARD: But… you’re playing Call of Duty.
A: Yes. Yes, I am. Ask me how many Panzers I’ve take out.
HOWARD: Mmm, no. I live in fear that information like that is going to one day push something important out of my brain. Like how to breathe. Then I’m going to be flopping around on the floor trying to remember how to get oxygen into my lungs when all I can think of is the number of Panzers you took out. I just came in here to let you know that we’re going to that new Irish bar to get a head start on Cinco de Mayo. It’s going to be a whole evening of multi-ethnic public drunkenness. The Entity already teleported over to grab a table. You coming?
A: Well… no. I’m just so swamped.
HOWARD: With… defending the Ardennes?
A: Well, yeah. It’s not like the non-player characters are going to do it. I mean… look at this guy. He just keeps getting hit by this German dude and falling down and getting back up again. Over and over and over. I don’t know how the Allies won with guys like this.
HOWARD: C’mon. I’ll buy you a two-olive martini with Quintessential.
A: Well… OK. I’ll just leave the game up on the outside chance they actually do hold the Ardennes without me.
HOWARD: OK. Sounds good.
A: But I bet I’m going to come back on Monday and that guy’s still going to be getting hit and falling down over and over. I just don’t get that.
HOWARD: There’s a good chance you’re over-thinking this.

Apple Engaged In Viral Obsolescence Scheme.

The Apple community was outraged to learn today that Apple has been caught in what government regulators are calling a viral obsolescence scheme.

According to sources within the Justice Department, Apple executives conspired with trend setters, posers and members of the media and the online community to create a sense of urgency around upgrading their iPods or risk being uncool.

As the iPod market has become saturated, Apple used the only means available to it to generate new sales to those who already owned one: peer pressure.

In one Justice Department document forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Apple executives are accused of paying college students to roll their eyes and scoff whenever one of their peers was seen using an iPod that was more than one generation behind the current release.

Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller vehemently denied the charge.

“That is categorically false,” a visibly angry Schiller said. “We never paid anyone to do that.

“We were going to, but then we realized we didn’t have to. They were already doing it for free.”

Despite the seriousness of the charges, the Justice Department is declining to take any action against Apple.

“It’s actually not illegal,” Special Prosecutor David Rivera said.

“I mean, it kind of pisses me off because… well… that iPod mini I had was just fine. Just because [Attorney General] Alberto Gonzales said hot pink was a sissy color is no reason for me to have gone out and bought a 60 GB video iPod. Particularly when my whole music collection is only 10 GB.”

Sighing heavily, Rivera speculated “I dunno. Maybe I’ll get into ‘Scrubs’.”