CARS Staff

Apple Release Notes To Get More Cryptic.

Apple’s release notes, oft criticized for their scarcity of information, are about to get even more cryptic.

When Apple delivers the iPhone 1.1.2 update tomorrow, sources say, the company will have the release notes performed by mimes, the first in its new strategy for the medium.

“Many developers do not realize this,” said Apple’s senior vice president of software engineering Bertrand Serlet, “But we consider our release notes to be performance art.

“We tried a minimalist style – giving out as little information about a particular update – and it apparently wasn’t popular so we’re taking it in a different direction. Now our users can have a greater appreciation for the pathos, humor and joie de vivre of the iPhone 1.1.2 update than can be expressed through the mere written word.”

Some, however, expressed concern over the move.

“Apple should really be careful here,” said TidBITS‘ Adam Engst. “Because some people really hate mimes. Like all people. It’s one of the few things that brings people of all kinds together. Except the French, of course.”

Indeed, according to the Anti-Defamation League, the number of hate crimes against mimes was greater in 2006 than those against any other group, with the exception of gay black Jewish lawyers.

It’s still unknown exactly how mimes will be able to convey complex ideas such as “There is a known issue with garbage-collected applications using Core Image to process frames from Core Video”. But Serlet insisted that Apple followers will be swept away by the emotional power of a mime performing release notes such as “Xcode now passes the path to the SDK in use to Rez using the -isysroot flag”.

Apple customers are asked to tip the mimes whatever spare change they have and to refrain from kicking them, no matter how great the temptation.

Canada Buys Apple.

In a stunning conclusion to years of wild, unsubstantiated speculation about various firms possibly buying Apple, the firm was bought late today buy the nation of Canada.

According to sources, the weakening of the U.S. dollar against the Canadian dollar finally drove the purchasing power of the lower 50’s frigid and drunken stepsister to the north high enough to make the buyout attractive.

“We’re pleased to announce that Apple is now owned by the people of Canada,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We figured we were going to buy a mess of iPods anyway, so why not just buy Apple? We also bought a couple of jars of barbecue sauce and reacquired Wayne Gretzky.”

According to Harper, Canada has had its eye on Apple for several years now, viewing acquisition as its only recourse to what it perceives as numerous slights inflicted by the company.

“We got the iTunes Store after almost every other industrialized nation,” Harper noted. “I actually think Burkina Faso got their iTunes Store before we did. And then they were going to shaft us on the iPhone? Well, I believe that’s enough using of our toothbrush, thank you very much, Mr. Jobs.”

It’s unknown exactly what this means for Jobs, but it seems likely that he will not be comfortable working for 33 million Mountie humpers. Further, it seems logical to conclude that once Jobs steps down, the most likely choice for a replacement as CEO would be Canada’s native son, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller.

It is known that the company will be rebranded “Maple”, as apple trees cannot grow in Canada’s frozen tundra.

Tablet! Tablet! Tablet!

Amazing news rocked the Apple world today as a furtive comment at a dinner party has confirmed that Apple is working on a tablet device.

In the world of Apple rumors, it doesn’t get any more rock-solid than a furtive comment at a dinner party.

As exciting as this news is, it also has implications for the rumor business. Many Apple observers have long considered the tablet device to be the Holy Grail of Apple rumors.

“We may be looking at the end of the Apple rumor business,” said AppleInsider’s Ryan Katz. “I mean, after this, I got nothing. What else is there? We did the Intel switch. We did the phone. What’s left?”

Other than the sexbot beat (double entendres are fun!) which currently is only being worked by reporters at Crazy Apple Rumors Site, sources indicate that the rest of the rumor sites are just working on the tablet, the 10.5.1 update and what Greg Joswiak had for lunch.

“It was a soup of some kind,” said ThinkSecret’s Nick dePlume. “Could have been chili. We’ll have an exclusive on today’s lunch sometime later in the week.”

“This lunch beat is a daily grind,” dePlume complained.

The rumors sites will be holding a general symposium next week to discuss other crap we can make up that Apple might possibly maybe release some day, some time in the future.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: Is Apple ever going to release a sub-notebook?

A: No. Steve Jobs hates people who like tiny laptops. I don’t know why. Calls them tinytards if I’m not mistaken. Moreover, our sources say Apple’s actually working on a 24-inch laptop. Not that they think anyone will buy it, I mean the thing’s ridiculously huge. It’s just another typical Steve Jobs “fuck you”.

Q: So I should keep using my PowerBook 2400?

A: Oh, totally. Dude, I really don’t think they’ll ever come out with a machine better than that anyway.
________________

Q: Hey, I installed Leopard and I’m having some problems.

A: OK. Is it the blue screen on reboot?

Q: No.

A: FileVault corruption?

Q: Uh, no.

A: What is it?

Q: It’s more like flames.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Shooting out the back. And there’s this deep gurgling voice telling me to “GET OUT!”

A: Are the walls bleeding?

Q: Uh… yes.

A: Yeah. That’s Satanic possession. Some people are running into that with Leopard.

Q: So, I’m screwed, right?

A: No. Just restart with the shift key held down.

Q: That’s it?!

A: Oh. And get yourself a priest.

Q: Ah.
________________

Q: Hey, I didn’t install Leopard and I’m also having problems.

A: Uh… OK.

Q: Yeah. I’ve not no Time Machine, no 3-D Dock, no unified theme, no Back to my Mac…

A: Well, that’s because those are all Leopard features.

Q: Right.

A: Yeah.

Q: Exactly.

A: Huh?

Q: I’m just saying, no pain, no gain.

A: What does that even mean in this context?

Q: Mmm-hmm.

A: [sigh] You know, I wasn’t really looking for an object lesson here.

Q: Oh, boo-hoo.

Mac Community, John Siracusa To Wed.

The parents of everyone in the Mac community are proud to announce that all their sons and daughters are engaged to Ars Technica’s John Siracusa.

While one glowing review after another of Siracusa’s Leopard review were still warm from the digital presses, it was the Mac community and Siracusa who found a warmth growing between them.

“I really got the sense they loved my review and, consequently, me,” Siracusa said. “So, we had a little dinner, went to a movie, one thing led to another and…

“Now we’re getting married!”

For its part, the Mac community expressed its undying love for Siracusa and his reviews, as forum posts and blog comments overflowed with remarks such as “You know his reviews are good because they’re so long!” and “He must be smart because I have no idea what he’s talking about!”

It was the review that nurtured a love that defied social norms.

While many were at a loss to explain how the engagement of a technology writer and an entire community could come about, one person thought he had the answer.

“This really just kind of snowballed,” said a sheepish Phil Schiller.

“I just got sick of everyone going on and on about how much they looooved Siracusa’s Leopard review – which in many parts was quite critical of Leopard – and what a literary god Siracusa is and Siracusa, Siracusa, Siracusa! So, I said to the Mac community, ‘Well, if you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?!’

“And, um, here we are.”

The wedding date is set for January 15, 2008. The Mac community will wear white and Guy Kawasaki will give the bride away.