Shum Stra iz in our interwebs recordin’ our Help Desks and has the audio of the first question in yesterday’s Help Desk. Why go to all the trouble of reading it when you can just give it a listen (936k MP3)?
Why don’t we do this all the time? Because we hate you. And we suck.
It’s a rather unfortunate combination.
I’m sorry. I really tried to work on something.
It’s just…
[sniff]…
I’m so broken up about this ZFS thing.
Seriously.
I’ve been crying about it for the last hour. I just…
I just hate to see it break up this family!
Please. I’m begging you. Find the love again!
Crazy Apple Rumors Site and Giant Squid Publishing, LLC, are proud to announce a new series of books written by Editor-In-Chief John Moltz! Dubbed the “Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies” series, these books will show you how to wallow in the gutters of the Apple community and be the biggest succubus you can be.
While other book series by other “authors” attempt to “inform” you about “features” and “ways” you can use software or hardware “products”, the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies books will encourage you to let your id run amok through a vast technological landscape formed by people who actually do something for a living instead of living in their parents’ basement like you do.
Let’s take a look at the first two books in the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies series!
Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies will show you, the whiny-assed Apple customer how to leverage your inherent ability to bitch, bitch, bitch. Whaaaah! The iPod’s battery runs out after five years! Whaaaah! Apple bricked my iPhone after I took a soldering iron to it and installed a bunch of crap I downloaded from a Nigerian web site!
Sure, you already sound like fingernails on a blackboard to anyone within earshot, but how can you weasel your way up to annoying bloggers, members of the press and even Apple executives?
Read the book!
Next up:
Hey, who wants to get in on some of that sweet Apple lawsuit action?!
Everyone, that’s who!
But I hear you saying, John, I’m a Linux user and I don’t own an Apple product because I’m too fricking cheap to own a decent Unix-based desktop! Whaaaaah! I’m not going to score free money!
Well, that’s an Apple lawsuit right there! Hey, if someone can sue Apple for $1 million over a $200 price drop, you can surely sue them for the pain and suffering caused by seeing people prancing around with fancier Unix-based desktop systems.
Read the book!
For some reason these aren’t on Amazon yet, but keep checking back!
Any day now.
That’s what my agent says, anyway.
We were totally going to do a Help Desk today, but all the questions were from jackasses who had hacked their iPhones and then bricked them with the 1.1.1 update. And I’m sick of their whiny asses bitching and moaning about how Steve Jobs broke their already busted-ass iPhones.
So, for all you morons who tried to update your jacked up iPhones that you screwed up despite Uncle Steve’s clear instructions not to fuck with them because you were messing with powers beyond mortal ken…
Eat it.
You heard me. Lick my area. You’re on your own, suckers.
And I totally know how to fix them, too, so you should know that I’m just holding back this information because you’re the reason we can’t have nice things.
Oh, yes I do. I do know how to fix them. Totally.
What?
No, I said I’m not telling you. What part of “lick my area” don’t you understand?
No way.
Fuck you.
No, don’t be an idiot. You’re not going to fix it like that.
Well, that’s fine, then. Go ahead and try that, princess, and tell me how well that works. You’ll brick your iPhone even worse and you’ll never get it back.
[sigh]
OK. OK. Stop crying. Stop. Just stop it.
Fricking baby.
Look, you just hold down the home button, stick a #2 pencil in the ear phone jack, hold it up in the air and say three times “ALLA-WOZ-A-NEWTON!” And then yell “PERFORMA!”
Oh, and cut a goat right before you yell “PERFORMA!” Preferably a white one.
And then hold the power switch down and it’ll restart. And go wash your hands because… goat blood… icky.
Totally. That will totally work. I think I got it off the Ars Technica forums.
It’s been a while since the CARS gang’s been together, so I’m calling for a game party tonight.
Huh?
“Halo”?
What’s that?!
No way, man.
Marathon!
That’s right, beeotches! Masako’s got her fleet of vintage Macs, I’ve got the beer and the Entity/Jennifer fricking Connelly has the bag of chips! We are ready to lock, load and kick some Pfhor ass! We’re kickin’ it old school and rebootin’ frequently! We’re sortin’ our System extensions into groups and restartin’ with extreme prejudice! We’re enjoyin’ low res graphics using sprites instead of…
Wait, this sounds like ass. Why are we doing this again?
Oh, right! Marathon! Best! Game! Evah!