According to highly placed sources at Apple, CEO Steve Jobs has begun to concern executives with his repeated use of the phrase “Stevie don’t play that.”
Senior Vice President of Software Development Avie Tevanian said today “I don’t know how he got into this, but he’s saying it all the time. Yesterday we were talking about whether or not to keep installing Internet Explorer now that we’ve got Safari. ‘Stevie don’t play that.’ Last week it was spinning the iPod off as a separate business. ‘Stevie don’t play that.’
“I’ll be frank, it’s really damned annoying.”
Sources within Apple could only speculate what has prompted this trend by the mercurial CEO. Some pointed to Jobs’ new-found connections in the music industry as a possible influence, while others believe it must have come from his long-standing ties with the motion picture industry.
“What I’m concerned about is that I’m pretty sure that phrase isn’t even ‘hip’ anymore,” said Chief Financial Officer Fred Anderson. “I don’t know much about this stuff, but I remember Damon Wayans saying it on In Living Color and that was years ago. What was that… when the LC came out?
“Somebody needs to set Stevie straight is what somebody needs to do. What Stevie shouldn’t be playin’ is that tired phrase. Don’t go there, Stevie. Talk to the hand, Stevie. Freddie say ‘no.'”
Apple Senior Vice President and General Counsel Nancy Heinen complained, “He tried to put it into a legal document the other day. Try explaining to the lawyers at a major client why there’s a phrase in the contract that reads ‘Should termination of this agreement occur prior to the completion of a full calendar year, supplier will be indemnified for any loss assumed by the purchaser. ‘Cause Stevie don’t play that.‘
“Makes me look like an ass-clown.”
Executives with connections in the know about hip lingo are considering asking them to speak to Jobs about his use of this phrase.
“I think Jonathan Ive knows Moby,” Tevanian said. “Is Moby cool? He’s a little old, but maybe that’s just what he needs – it’d be less threatening. Maybe Moby could talk to him.
“Hmm. Moby. Moby. Mmmmmoby. Mmmmmmmmmobay. Heh.
“Oh. You’re still here. How did you get in here, anyway?”
Ted Klapsick didn’t expect to become a hero yesterday, but he did. A developer from Spencer Software, Klapsick is now known as the man who saved OS 9.
Seated in the front row at Steve Jobs’ Worldwide Developers Conference Keynote, Klapsick jumped into action when Jobs dramatically pulled OS 9 from a coffin on stage to signal the operating system’s demise.
“Steve was making this big joke out of it, but there was OS 9, dead, and no one was doing a thing!” Klapsick said. “It was kind of weird, but the OS’s whole life flashed before my eyes. I saw OS 6, MultiFinder, OpenDoc, Themes… I thought, ‘Good times. Good times.'”
“I couldn’t just sit there!”
Jumping on to the stage, Klapsick knocked a startled Steve Jobs out of the way and began trying to resuscitate OS 9. Immediately, Klapsick was joined by David O’Neil of AKA Development, who performed artificial respiration while Klapsick performed CPR.
“I had been using OS 9 not ten minutes before,” O’Neil said, “so I knew it couldn’t have been gone long. When I saw Ted get up there, I had to help out. I mean, crap, my company has an OS 9-only app coming out in three weeks. It damn well better live!”
Klapsick and O’Neil were able to resuscitate the operating system in less than two minutes, leading many at the conference to conclude that Apple representatives had not made any attempt to resuscitate it on their own.
“They just sat there and watched it die,” Klapsick said. “That’s cold, man. That is cold.”
OS 9 is expected to make a full recovery and authorities are refusing to charge Jobs or Apple.
“We are talking about software here, aren’t we?” asked Officer Gail Lamont of the San Jose Police Department. “I’m pretty sure they can do whatever they want with it. Actually, the only people we’d consider charging are the two who jumped up on stage.”
After the incident, an angry Steve Jobs had to be pulled away from OS 9 by Apple staff.
“You’re dead, OS 9!” Jobs screamed, pointing at the operating system. “You hear me? Dead! Extensions – dead! Chooser – dead! Platinum – dead!”
Apple declined to comment officially for this story.
Attendees at this week’s QuickTime Live Conference in Beverly Hills almost unanimously expressed their belief that the conference would have been better had Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing, Phil Schiller, exercised his Fifth Amendment rights.
Mark Wallace, a 37-year-old video production engineer, indicated that Schiller’s on-stage presence, or lack thereof, was a primary factor behind the conclusion of the attendees. “Let’s just say Phil’s no Steve (Jobs),” Wallace said. “Steve could sell crack to the Amish if he wanted, but Phil… sheesh.”
Beth Myers, a 32-year-old media consultant, agreed with Wallace. “There’s no real reason Phil has to speak at these events,” Myers noted. “If (Enron CEO) Ken Lay doesn’t have to speak before Congress, why should Schiller have to speak here? Why doesn’t he just plead the Fifth, too?”
Computer industry and legal experts believe Schiller could invoke his rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution under the argument that Schiller’s own lack of presentation ability could be construed as bearing “witness against himself.”
“I’d certainly support that,” Myers added. “I was jabbing myself with a pen to stay awake.”
24-year-old web designer Miguel Rojas suggested alternative solutions. “Maybe he could file a report and we could just read it,” Rojas said. “Or, Apple could hire someone like Jeff Goldblum to deliver the presentation. Or that dancing guy from the iPod ad. I’ve never heard him speak but he’s got to be better.”
Apple PR representative Cynthia McLaren acknowledged a problem with Schiller’s presentation style, but said the Apple VP has no intentions of exercising his Fifth Amendment rights in lieu of fulfilling “a very important part of his duties.”
“He’s gone to some classes,” McLaren confided, “But nothing really seems to take. He’s signed up for acting camp this summer. Maybe that will help.”
Other strategies Apple has tried to improve Schiller’s presentations include singing lessons, a membership with Toastmasters International, and having him practice in front of a mirror.
John Moltz – Editor In Chief
The son of poor Oklahoma sharecroppers, John and his family were forced off their land in the 1930s and set out for California in a vain attempt to find work. No, wait, that was Tom Joad in the Grapes of Wrath. John Moltz was born in a Connecticut suburb and spent his formative years developing a strong moral foundation by watching lots of television. Consequently, he has the attention span of a common house fly and has dabbled in several trades and hobbies without mastering any of them. The founder of Crazy Apple Rumors Site, John has a passion for the Macintosh and currently owns eight Macs. While he doesn’t see a problem with that, some members of his family feel it’s time for an intervention. John enjoys racquetball, skiing and all night sessions of networked Myth II. But don’t get your hopes up, ladies. He’s married.
The Entity – Financier
Not much is known of the Entity, other than he pays the bills around here and is addicted to Baked Lays potato chips (he prefers the Barbecue style, but will eat the regular). Taking the form of a floating black cloak concealing some form of energy, the Entity rarely shows up at the CARS office. When he does, he usually sweeps in unannounced and demands some obscure change in punctuation on a story. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, no one knows where the Entity has come from or why he has come here to sponsor Crazy Apple Rumors Site. There are several theories, however. Chet swears he saw him filling out a form entitled “Rigellian Tax Authority Form 1044b – Deductions For Working With Lower Life Forms.” John will tell you about a pamphlet he saw on his desk called “So, You Have To Do Community Service In The 4th Dimension.” Whatever his shadowy agenda, he keeps us in coffee and Krispy Kremes and that’s good enough for us.
UPDATE: The Entity was sucked out of this universe and returned in a new form: that of the utterly edible Jennifer fricking Connelly. It happens. Really. I know this other energy being that came back as Charles Nelson Rielly. We just, um, got lucky.
Thor Samson – Columnist
His name rolls trippingly off the tongue. His deeds are legendary. His sinewy biceps glisten with a fine oil. Both a mover and a shaker, Thor Samson is as equally comfortable using a Mac as he is with any of the deadly arts. Renowned for his ability to speak with trees, he is equally fluent in 17 human languages, including several forms of Cherokee that are no longer actively spoken. A close, personal friend of all the Apple executives, Thor covers the “high society” beat for CARS. He also has his own line of fine sandwich meats and a series of car dealerships up and down the New England seaboard.
Chet MacGruder – Reporter
Born and raised in Redmond, Wash., Chet is considered a disgrace to his family, all of whom now work at Microsoft, including the family cat, Mr. Wiggles. It’s not the fact that he’s a Mac user or that he works at this site that bothers them. It’s the fact that he wears black socks with sneakers and shorts. Despite his bad fashion sense, Chet is quite successful with the ladies and is currently dating one Emily Lewis. A Technical Writer at Apple, Emily regularly has access to the stuff we so desperately want access to (and we’re not talking about Chet). But don’t worry, Chet’s journalistic integrity is still intact. She’s not telling him squat.
Ugluk – Contributing Reporter
Searching for mammoth in the frozen Canadian north during the last ice age, Ugluk became encased in ice and remained in suspended animation until the dual USB iBooks were released. We’re not really sure if the two events are related, but it’s an interesting coincidence, as Ugluk has turned into an avid iBook user. It fits his nomadic lifestyle – always on the move, looking for game – and he’s even used it to club some smaller animals to death. And once when the power adapter was acting up, he used it to make fire. Ooh, you should have seen him hoot! Originally thought to be Cro-Magnon (lesson learned: don’t use cut-rate anthropologists), Ugluk is probably a Neanderthal because he’s… well, he’s got this bear-worship thing going on. But we have a big tent here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site, so we’re not judging.
Masako Yamamoto – Web Designer
Masako’s claim to fame (apart from being the only one around here with any talent) is having won the 1996 All-Japan Marathon Championship. To this day she still prefers it to any other computer game and keeps a small arsenal of older Macs running System 7.6 with vintage Marathon installs and third party maps, along with some she designed herself. While the idea of a woman who plays computer games may seem like a dream come true, forget about it. First of all, she’d just kick your ass and second she plays for the other team, if you know what I mean. Um, no, I don’t mean the Phfor. I mean she likes women. Are you thick, or something?
Howard, the Talking Dog – Photographer
Howard’s a real team player who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “Down!” Some may question the intelligence in hiring a dog as a photographer and, sure, he has no opposable thumbs, but his portfolio entitled “Things I’ve Rolled In” really won us over. Howard’s hobbies include gnawing at fleas and climbing up onto the break room table, eating all the sugar packets and then hurling them back up in the middle of the staff meeting. While he can talk, he is still a dog after all. Mostly Labrador Retriever, Howard has a certain je ne sais quoi that some ascribe to just a hint of Wheaton Terrier.