Category: Apple Community

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.

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Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!

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Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.

DUE TO THE POTENTIAL THREAT OF SUBVERSION BY COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHT PRESENTED BY DUAL-BOOTING INTO WINDOWS USING BOOT CAMP, OUR DEAR LEADER STEVE JOBS (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!) HAS ORDERED THAT ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR MANDATORY REPROGRAMMING.

CLICK HERE TO FIND A REPROGRAMMING CENTER IN YOUR AREA.

ACCORDING TO PARTY LEADER PHIL SCHILLER, ALL MAC USERS WILL UNDERGO A VIGOROUS PROGRAM OF CALISTHENICS AND IDEOLOGICAL REINDOCTRINATION – WHICH WILL INCLUDE SHOWING THE CLASSIC “1984” SUPER BOWL AD REPEATEDLY UNTIL ALL SUBVERSIVE THOUGHT IS PURGED FROM THE BODY. THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DETERMINED TO BE A THREAT TO THE GLORIOUS REVOLUTION WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES UNTIL THEY SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS, CONFESS THEIR COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHTS AND SEEK THE ABSOLUTION OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

USERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO TURN IN THEIR FELLOW USERS WHO MAY HAVE BEEN OBSERVED RUNNING WINDOWS, READING WINDOWS WORLD OR MENTIONING THE NAME “PAUL THURROTT” IN SENTENCES THAT DO NOT ALSO INCLUDE THE WORD “SUCKS.” FOR EACH TRAITOR TO THE REVOLUTION THEY TURN IN, CITIZENS OF THE MAC COMMUNITY WILL BE REWARDED WITH A $1.00 CREDIT AT THE ITUNES MUSIC STORE.

THE USER WHO TURNS IN THE MOST COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARIES WILL WIN A SPECIAL EDITION RED IPOD NANO CONTAINING AAC FILES OF THE MACWORLD KEYNOTES OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

THERE WILL BE A SMALL RECEPTION FOLLOWING THE REPROGRAMMING FEATURING ASSORTED FRUITS AND CHEESES AND A CASH BAR. USERS WITHOUT CORRECT CHANGE WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES AGAIN.

AFTER THE RECEPTION, USERS FOUND TO HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO WINDOWS WILL BE SENT FOR FURTHER INDOCTRINATION IN THE EDUCATION MARKET WHERE THEY WILL BE FORCED TO MAINTAIN IBOOKS FOR GRADE SCHOOLERS UNTIL THEY EXPRESS BOUNDLESS FAITH IN OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

USERS NOT REPORTING TO THEIR DESIGNATED REPROGRAMMING CENTER MAY BE SUBJECT TO DIRECT INTERVENTION FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY MACINTOSH USERS GUARD.

Apple reported disturbing news today that has some doubting the company’s continued ability to stay profitable.

According to CFO Peter Oppenheimer who spoke to analysts in a conference call, the company is running disturbingly low on Kool-Aid brand non-carbonated soft drink, which – as any Apple follower knows – is what keeps its base of loyal fans coming back for more.

“Drinking the Kool-Aid” has become an rite of passage for the Mac faithful, although many people outside the Mac community are not aware that the phrase is literal, not figurative.

Drawing a parallel to the company’s previous problems getting supplies of PowerPC chips from Motorola and IBM, Oppenheimer said that Kraft Foods has been unable to meet Apple’s demand as the success of the iPod and the Mac have swelled its customer base.

“Without a sufficient strategic supply of Kool-Aid brand beverage,” Oppenheimer said, “we will not be able to maintain control of our army of zombie underlings.

“I mean our customers. I meant to say ‘customers.’ ‘Valued customers.’ That’s what I mean to say.”

Oppenheimer did say that Apple has been working with other vendors to see if generic brands might be imbued with the same properties as the very specific type of Kool-Aid Kraft Foods has been making for the company for over 20 years. So far, results have been less than promising.

“Several test subjects felt mildly compelled to buy a copy of iWork,” Oppenheimer said, “but ultimately they wandered out of the Apple Store and… um… well, sadly, into traffic. Very… very tragic.

“One of the side effects of our Kool-Aid is, however, a certain slow-wittedness exhibited by a glassy look in the eyes. You’ll see that look on most of our zom… uh, customers.”

Oppenheimer said that tests will continue while Kraft Foods is looking into expanding its capacity to create powdered sugar capable of mind control.

Apple’s stock was down -0.65 on the news.

Apple announced a new product today, which analysts and Mac followers have already judged to be doomed to failure.

“This new Apple product is seriously deficient,” wrote Tristan Fisk of Mac-A-Licious in the web site’s wrap-up of today’s announcements.

“It lacks several key features that our reporting indicated it would have, and is not as feature-full as competing products from other vendors. Apple has missed the boat on this product. It will never sell.

“And, of course, it’s priced too high.”

This phenomenon – currently being played yet again out on web sites throughout the Mac community – has been applied to numerous Apple products since the failure of the Power Macintosh, such as the original iBook, the iPod, the 2002 iMac, the iPod mini, the iMac G5, the original Mac mini, the iPod nano and the video iPod.

“Logicians call this ‘Dvorak’s Razor’,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue.

Also know as Apple Cubism, Pogue said the maxim states that the simplest explanation for any new Apple product is that it will fail.

“It’s also called ‘Lazy Apple Pundit’s Disease’,” Pogue said.

Despite the volume of electronic ink spent upon the subject, it was uncertain if these Apple nay-sayers were talking about the iPod Hi-Fi or the Intel-based Mac mini.

“Actually, I’m not even sure myself,” said Wayne Hesten of Macs-Ahoy, who wrote an entire column on the subject of the certain doom the latest Apple product faced.

“Does it matter?”

After recent news reports of a OS X worm and a Safari security flaw have made the rounds, a number of young Mac users report being contacted by a youth group advocating Internet abstinence as the best method of staying safe from such problems.

According to a pamphlet put out by the group, the Internet Abstinence Alliance promotes keeping computers off the Internet, ostensibly to prevent the spread of malicious software.

At an outreach session sponsored by her group, 19-year-old Internet Abstinence Alliance coordinator Mary Macmillan said that the Internet is a filthy place that people should avoid at all costs.

Macmillan said “The only true way to be safe from viruses and worms and malware and hackers and men who treat you nice until you let them into your ‘special gift’ and you suddenly realize they just want to grope you and paw at you and do all kinds of unspeakable things to you… some of them in places that I didn’t even think were possible… I mean… there’s not a lot of room in the back seat of a 1978 Honda Civic… you have to hitch your leg up over the seat and push it against the window and then brace your upper body using the stick shift. The whole thing’s not easy, particularly if there are more than three of you in the car. Not to mention any farm animals. And he said not to mention the farm animals because that would be an extra five years.”

Noticing the horrified expression on the faces of her fellow Internet Abstinence Alliance members, Macmillan cut her description short.

“Well. That’s what I hear, anyway.”

Macmillan said that few Mac users have responded to the Internet Abstinence Alliance’s outreach program, which sources said invariably degenerates into an anti-smut diatribe.

“Mac users are filthy perverts for the most part,” Macmillan said.

This comment prompted most of the attending Mac users to get up and leave.

“Perverts!” Macmillan yelled after them.

Now seated alone in the middle of about 20 folding chairs, Macworld magazine’s Peter Cohen raised his hand.

“Um… someone said there were going to be cookies.”

Continue reading Mac Users Mourn The PowerBook.