Category: Apple Executives

Sources within Apple’s payroll department indicate they are sick and tired of administering CEO Steve Jobs’ $1 salary and wish he’d “just get a fricking real salary already.”

Jobs has famously taken just a $1 per year salary while reaping great rewards in other forms of compensation, including a personal airplane. This allows the mercurial CEO to claim the high road by repeatedly pointing out that his compensation is exclusively performance-based.

But payroll administrator Beth Lao claims that Jobs’ $1 salary actually costs the company about $10, 00 extra a year to administer.

For example, as Apple is on a bi-weekly pay schedule, Lao is forced to divide Jobs’ $1 salary by 26 and then apply any taxes.

“You know, it’s a fucking bitch trying to figure the FICA on 4 cents,” Lao said.

“And, of course, to make it come out to exactly $1, it’s not 4 cents every pay period. It’s 4 cents for 22 pay periods and then 3 cents for the other four. And Steve doesn’t want the four 3-cent pay periods to come all together, he wants them to come each at the end of a quarter.

“What a jackass.”

Further, Jobs must be taken out of the normal salary review process as he does not receive any cost of living increases and certainly not any market adjustments.

“There’s no field for that!” Lao shouted at the SAP salary administration screen shown on her computer. “He’s going to pop up every month and i’m going to have to put in a salary adjustment and then back it out! Mother fu…”

Lao has repeatedly asked her manager, Darren Pinales, why Jobs cannot simply be paid $10,000 a year and then donate the net of taxes to charity. Pinales has responded that if Lao would like to ask Jobs herself personally, he would be glad to fill out her termination notice.

According to sources in Apple’s product marketing division, analyst Hugh Kogan has received the most unusual honor of having been fired by a sleeping CEO Steve Jobs.

Kogan claims that as both he and Jobs slept on Tuesday night, their dreams crossed over and Jobs conducted his firing transcendentally.

“It was wild, Kogan said. “Steve was in my dream and I was in Steve’s dream. We were in Grand Central Station, which is kind of funny because I’ve never been there… hmm… But maybe Steve has…

“Anyway, he beckoned to me from across the empty, cavernous main hall and as I approached him I noticed he had white earbuds in his ears. The other end of them was plugged into a block of cheddar cheese Steve was holding in his outstretched palms. I could hear Deep Purple’s Smoke On The Water playing.

“That’s when he fired me.”

Since it was still just a dream, Kogan was uncertain whether or not the firing was also in effect on this plane of existence. The next day he stuck his head into Jobs’ office to confirm.

“Am I…?” Kogan began to ask.

“Totally,” Jobs replied, cutting him off without looking up from the plans for the 21-inch tablet device and media center that will run on OS X “lite”.

“And for the record,” Jobs continued, “that was muenster and it was Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

Suddenly, Yoda appeared in a corner of Jobs’ office, looked at Kogan disapprovingly and said “That… is why you fail.”

“Wha…?” said a startled Kogan. “Oh, hey, this is a dream again!”

Looking up, Jobs said “What? Oh. No. That’s an animatronic Yoda George Lucas gave me. It says that all the time. You’re still fired.”

“Oh,” a disappointed Kogan said.

Kogan’s resumé is on line for prospective employers without astral projection powers.

Sources indiate that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Tony Fadell is hoping to turn Apple’s decision to build a second Cupertino campus to his advantage. If and when the iPod division moves into new digs, a lot longer to become floor marshals. People who’ve already taken the fire safety class, who know CPR and who – even though it’s not required – brought in their own flash lights.

Pulling out brand new 6 D-cell Maglite, Oppenheimer added “The ones they give you in the floor marshall kit are really crappy.

“And, yes, I’m talking about me. But I think Phil [Schiller]’s also taken the fire safety class.”

CEO Steve Jobs has so far chosen to stay on the sidelines of this particular power struggle as he is already reportedly embroiled in an argument between Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive and Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson over items purchased from the vending machine.

Look for our three-part series entitled “If A Snickers Doesn’t Fall But Then Is Knocked Down By A Baby Ruth, Who Owns The Snickers?”

Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced today that a special event will take place in his pants on April 25th.

Since moving away from holding major announcements until Macworld trade shows, Apple has relied on special events to reveal products such as the iPod and the iTunes Music Store.

Rumors are running rampant about what Jobs might announce and how it relates to his pants or the contents thereof.

“I envision some sort of groinal sound system for your iPod, said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “Something with a lot of bass that really reverberates.

“You’d put it on just like a cup but it would have a soft cotton undergarment that you can remove and wash as needed. In order to avoid having to make multiple hardware sizes, the sound system itself would be worn with adjustable velcro straps and they’d just sell the undergarment in different sizes, in 5 or 10-packs. Possibly even in different colors like the iPod socks. This would also be a great opportunity for third parties to provide linings in different materials – silk, velour, rubber, leather… whatever.

Pogue admitted “I’ve been thinking about this a lot.”

Other analysts have speculated that Jobs’ event may be more of a personal nature.

“I think he’s going to make an executive adjustment,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg.

“You know… shift some things around.

“He may not be comfortable with the way things are.

“He may want to get his sausage and peppers in order.”

After an uncomfortable silence, Mossberg said “You know I said ‘personnel’ not ‘personal’, right?”

Jobs himself has been mum on the subject of the special event in his pants, but has been seen playing excessive amounts of “pocket pool.”

A devastated Macintosh community read the news yesterday that Avie Tevanian is stepping down as Apple’s Chief Technology Officer effective March 31st to “pursue other interests.”

I spoke with Avie at his home over the weekend as we both took Swedish massage from twin 17-year-old Japanese pearl divers while watching a private screening of The Fast and The Furious III: Tokyo Drift.

I was also high on mescaline but Avie was just having a two-olive gin martini with Quintessential as he had to get up early to do naked Tai Chi with Scarlett Johansson.

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THOR: Avie, thanks for meeting with me.

TEVANIAN: Thor, it was the least I could do since you pulled me out of that burning building all those years ago.

THOR: Oh, that. Pff. It wasn’t anything. I’d forgotten all about it.

TEVANIAN: Well, I haven’t. Saved my life. And then you ran back in and saved every one of those fish in the aquarium! You’re amazing!

THOR: Well, I didn’t have to be at that charity event for the little leper children until later. I had the time. But let’s talk about you. I’m sure what’s on the mind of most Mac users out there is “How does Avie’s departure affect Apple, OS X and my personal belief system based on a universe that manifests itself as a constant flux between negative and positive energies?”

TEVANIAN: First of all, I’d like to say that Mac users have no need to fear for the continued success of Apple or OS X. I’ve been phoning it in for the past couple of years.

THOR: Really? That’s very candid of you.

TEVANIAN: Well, I don’t want anyone to worry unnecessarily. I know how Mac users are. I have a reputation as the “father” of OS X or the Mach kernel from my work at Carnegie Mellon. But the truth of the matter is I farmed all the real coding out to an Indian firm. Under the terms of my contract with them and as part of an independent study in business I was doing, I was able to claim the work as my own.

THOR: Now, that I did know. You were a pioneer in outsourcing to Asia.

TEVANIAN: I was. I was doing it long before consumers throughout the U.S. were spending hours on hold waiting to talk to Ranjit. Now the last part of your question about the state of the universe being an ongoing dischord between competing furies I’d like to answer through interpretive dance.

THOR: I was hoping you’d say that.

[Tevanian lifts himself off the massage table and performs a three-hour interpretive dance depicting the infinite saga of the struggle between life and death, darkness and light, good and evil. The finale consists of Tevanian waving sparklers in the air as a neon sign blinking “USA!” lowers from the ceiling.]

THOR: That was marvelous.

TEVANIAN: Thank you!

THOR: Avie, why now? Why are you calling it quits?

TEVANIAN: Well, truth be told, you don’t see a coworker get devoured by beavers and not have it affect you. I realized that life is short. And precious. And fragile.

THOR: Particularly compared to pack of bloodthirsty beavers.

TEVANIAN: [sniff] Yes.

THOR: Some have said that Jon’s death angered you so much that you’re going on a beaver hunt.

TEVANIAN: Um… actually that was something else they were talking about.

THOR: Ah. Oh. Well.

TEVANIAN: Ahem.

THOR: So, what is in store for Avie Tevanian?

TEVANIAN: Well, when I was younger I always wanted to take a few months and backpack across Europe.

THOR: Backpack? Really?

TEVANIAN: Yes. But I’m 44 now and I have a whole crapload of money so I think instead of backpacking I’m going to do it in a really bitching car going about 120 miles an hour with a couple of naked girls. Do the whole thing in a couple of days.

THOR: Hmm. So, uh, that’ll get you through the weekend. What are you going to do next week?

TEVANIAN: Um… I dunno. Uh… maybe hang out by the Gas-N-Sip. See what Gary’s up to. I dunno. I borrowed a buddy’s copy of the first run of Powers. I might read that.

THOR: Don’t you, well, don’t you think you should get a job?

TEVANIAN: I dunno.