Category: Apple Executives

In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.

While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.

“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”

Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.

“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”

Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.

“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.

I keep hearing this whiny-assed crap from no good Mac-using bitches that are sitting at home in their parents’ basement wondering when the Cyber Apocalypse is going to affect them.

Well, game on, my multi-sided-dice-rolling Cheeto-snarfing HyperCard-using evil-goat-worshipping cream puffs.

Because word on the street is Steve Wozniak just got turned into a robot.

“Oh, noes! Not teh Woz!” sez my little LOL kitties. “I can has Woz?!”

No! You can, uh, not has Woz! Give it a try! You’ll be all “Oh, Woz, you’re the funny and personable Apple co-founder, what with your dating of noted comediennes and penchant for cutting your meat with a business card and disinclination to fire people at the drop of a hat! Give me some sugar!”

And he’ll be all “CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY. CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY.”

And don’t say we didn’t warn you, my nasty hoes. No, since day one (literally!) we’ve been the only Apple site to give you the straight poop on this so-called “Woz” and how he’s a threat to the youth of America. And a brain-sucking zombie.

Why, check out this criticism of Woz we offered over a year ago:

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Indeed. And now he’s a psycho killer robot. Advantage Crazy Apple Rumors Site.

So, look. I don’t want to hear a lot of namby-pamby crap about how the Cyber Apocalypse don’t affect you.

Let me put this in terms even the dimmest Mac user can understand.

Steve Wozniak is coming to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

Your best bet is to try to dump him into a vat of liquid oxygen in the hopes that you can shatter him in such a manner that his liquid metal composites will not be able to reform the WozBot.

That’s right.

The WozBot.

Go see if any of the other so-called Apple news and rumor sites are giving you the 411 on the great threat posed by the WozBot.

I’ll wait.

In a startling and exclusive revelation to Crazy Apple Rumors (MUST CREDIT CARS!), this site has learned* that Apple CEO Steve Jobs will keynote next month’s Macworld Expo.

This throws cold water on earlier rumors that the keynote address would be given by a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of Jobs’ mock turtlenecks.

If not actually throwing water on the cats themselves.

They hate that.

But it can be a good way to train them.

It’s well known that Jobs’ appearance is often substituted with a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks for the less important shows. Indeed, a cottage industry has grown up in the Mac community that attempts to analyze footage of these appearances and identify which ones were Jobs and which were a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks.

“I’m fairly certain that wasn’t him at WWDC,” said Apple follower Joseph Bartlett. “There was a lot of mewling and at one point he gets really distracted by a ball of yarn.

“There was also some spraying, but Jobs actually does that too, so it’s not a good indicator.”

Bartlett said that most people don’t notice that they’re watching a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of Jobs’ mock turtlenecks instead of a charismatic CEO because they’re too interested in what might be announced.

“Such is the power of Steve’s message.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but workers were seen unloading hundreds of bags of kitty litter at One Infinite Loop.

* (by reading Macworld)

Apple executives were jubilant today over the announcement that the company had won the dismissal of a lawsuit claiming its executives unfairly profited from improperly backdated stock options while investors suffered because of diluted share prices.

“Perhaps this will be a lesson to people in the future, said Apple’s newly minted general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Mess with the bull… you get the horns.”

Cooperman then topped off his cliché by putting his index fingers up by his temples and jabbing his head at reporters several times.

Satisfied he made his point, Cooperman put his hands down and noted “Danny’s one for one, bay-bee! And there’s more where that came from, bee-otch!”

He then pantomimed riding a horse and slapped his own behind several times.

CEO Steve Jobs said “I’m thrilled that justice has been served in this case. Clearly, there was no intent to improperly reward ourselves. We have ever only had the interests of our investors and our customers at heart.”

Jobs received a hearty round of applause from the gathered members of Apple’s executive group as well as several investment analysts.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Jobs said, “I’m going to go backdate the shit out of some options.”

Jobs then disappeared into a back room from which he could be heard to shout “June 12, 1996! November 6, 1990! September 23rd, 1981! March 8th, 1968! Oh, that was a good one!”

For their part, the plaintiffs indicated they recognized their case was an uphill battle.

“Admittedly,” said plaintiffs’ lead counsel Roger Fogelstein, “it’s a little hard to claim you were damaged by diluted stock prices when the company’s stock is at like a bazillion dollars a share right now.”

Apple stock rose even further on the news, then dropped back down when Jobs started backdating options and then rose again when someone saw a squirrel.

In a bizarre misfiring of Apple’s usually spot-on PR machine, CEO Steve Jobs issued another in his continuing series of public blog-style posts on Apple’s web site. While other offerings covered digital music and third party applications for the iPhone, the subject of today’s missive was unexpected.

In a 5,000 word essay published today, Jobs offered his “Thoughts On Hotpants”.

Whatever happened to hotpants? Man, I really digged those. Those were awesome. Women should start wearing those again. I’m sure they couldn’t have been terribly comfortable – kind of like walking around with a permanent wedgie.

Why do some people say “wedgie” and some people say “snuggy”? Are those the same thing?

Anyway, man did they look hot! Hey, is that where they got the name?! “Hot pants”? Wow, I just thought of that.

Man, I am so baked.

Do brownies have animal products in them?

Eh, screw it. I’m getting me some brownies.

Some Apple followers took this as a sign that the company would be branching out into the realm of crotch-cutting women’s fashions.

“I’ve long thought that Apple should make sexy garments for fabulous babes,” said Your Mac Life‘s Shawn King.

“But I think that about a lot of companies.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren refused to confirm or deny whether or not Jobs’ opining on the subject of hotpants indicated a new direction for the company.

“All I know is, I have to go out and get a big plate of brownies,” McLaren sighed.