Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I have a MacBook that has some very sensitive information on it. I’m concerned about what would happen if were to be cornered by thieves, ne’er-do-wells, scallawags… you know.
A: Uh… I… guess…
Q: Yeah. Well, so, my question is, should the need ever arise, are there any parts of the Mac that are edible?
A: Edible?
Q: Yeah. In case I have to limit my damage.
A: Well, actually, the entire thing is edible.
Q: Oh. Wow. Really?
A: Sure. The problem really gets down to what wine to pick.
Q: What wine? I’m going to be in a dark alley somewhere surrounded by blackguards and I’m supposed to open a bottle of wine?
A: Dude, you’re eating a Mac. It’s not like you can just crack open a Bud Lite.
Q: I suppose not.
A: Now, which color MacBook did you buy? I recommend a Chardonnay for the white one and maybe a Chianti for the black…

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Q: What did you just tell that guy? That the MacBook is edible? That’s insane. No one can digest a MacBook.
A: What? Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I read that on Apple’s support forum.
Q: No. Absolutely absurd.
A: Oh.
Q: Now, iPods, those’ll pass right through you.
A: Well, that I know from first-hand experience. I’ve been eating those suckers like candy.
Q: Me, too! I can’t wait to try that new iPod! Mmm, those look tasty!
A: Like a little after-dinner mint.

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Q: Hey, I just ate a pre-release Zune… uhn…
A: Oh, no. You shouldn’t have done that.
Q: I know that now! What am I supposed to do?! I haven’t felt like this since I ate at KFC that time… uhhh… my colon…
A: Do you have any ipecac?
Q: Uh… no.
A: It’s OK, you can make some. You’ll need an old AOL floppy, a copy of Word 6.0 and some cream of tartar…
Q: Uhnnnnnn…

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I was having a lot of trouble with my iPod Shuffle so I downloaded Apple’s Shuffle Updater and installed it, but it’s still not working.
A: Were you having the power problem?
Q: No. I’ve got this Dell, see, and the USB ports on the front are recessed so I can’t get the damn thing to connect. And this update didn’t fix that at all!
A: Oh. Well, you probably haven’t installed it correctly.
Q: OK. How should I install it?
A: Well, don’t run the installer. Just take the installer file and drag it onto the Shuffle’s drive. Then put the Shuffle into the Dell’s USB port and just start kicking it until you get it to mount.
Q: You mean… kick it into the Dell…
A: Right. Kick the crap out of it.
Q: OK. OK. See, that’s exactly what Apple Care told me but I just didn’t believe them.
A: A brick will work, too.

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Q: I ordered an iPod nano from the Apple Store and the box came today, but it wasn’t an iPod nano inside.
A: Oh! Was it a bar of soap?!
Q: What? No. What the hell are you talking about? It was this cool flat-panel cell phone thing that downloaded my music wirelessly and ran what appeared to be a “lite” version of OS X. It said “Prototype” on it.
A: Oh… oh, my god! Where is it?! Can I see it?!
Q: No. I sent it back.
A: You sent it back?! Why?!
Q: Well… it was brown.
A: Oh. Uh… yeah, OK, I could see that.

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Q: My video iPod is on the fritz. It will only show my movies and TV shows on this tiny little 2.5-inch screen.
A: Uh, well, that’s pretty much the screen size of the video iPod.
Q: What? What kind of crap is that?! Crappy little 2.5-inch screen. That’s crap. How am I gonna get my freak on with a crappy little screen like that?
A: Your freak on? What show are you watching?
Q: I mean, there’s just no way for me to grind it like a monkey and still get home in time for dinner with a little screen like that, is there?
A: Well, I guess…
Q: I’ve gotta spank it with a paddle and make my salad spin like a Chester’s grandma at a ho-down!
A: Are we… talking about porn, or…
Q: DADDY NEEDS TO RUB CHEESE FONDU… ALL! OVER! HIS! BODY!
A: Uh… you know, I don’t really want to know anymore.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: Oh my god! Dude! Did you see this?!
A: Oh. Yeah. That’s really nice. Microsoft is trying to retrain Columbian militants so they can return to civilian life as IT specialists. I think that’s great.
Q: What?! Are you blind? And stupid?
A: Uh… well, I’m not blind…
Q: You’ve got to read between the lines, man! Microsoft’s not retraining them! They’re recruiting them! Don’t be so naive! It’s game on, man! It’s Microsoft’s Columbian militants against Apple’s lesbian ninja sexbots!
A: Oh, no, no, no. That’s way off base. This is just something nice Microsoft is doing.
Q: Oh, man! Wake up and smell the military buildup!
A: Dude, no. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that Microsoft’s army… is all flying monkeys.
Q: Uh… oh. Huh. Well, now I just feel stupid. I mean… duh. Of course it’s flying monkeys. Jeez. Stupid. Stupid.
A: Well, your heart was in the right place. You were assuming the worst about Microsoft.
Q: Thanks. You didn’t have to say that.

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Q: Hey, how did that poll you put up the other day turn out?
A: Well, not surprisingly, readers picked Gisele Bundchen to replace Steve Jobs.
Q: Oh, yeah! Excellent! When does she start?!
A: We were a little disappointed by the results as we thought frying bacon would have done better. Fourth? What is that? It’s bacon for crying out loud!
Q: Can we get back to Gisele and her possible start date?
A: Well, I probably shouldn’t get too wound up over the results. I mean, the whole thing’s run on some code we got from Diebold, so it was probably hacked by pro-Bundchen elements within about five minutes.
Q: Oh! Oh! Pro-Bundchen elements?! I want to be a pro-Bundchen element! Where do I sign up for that?!
A: I guess it really wasn’t fair to frying bacon. Boba Fett and Gigantor… that’s some stiff competition. Verdeschi never had a chance, of course.
Q: Oh, my god, could she do the Macworld keynote?! Could she?! Could she?! Could she?! Oh, my fucking god, could she?!
A: Uh… what? No. No. This was just a straw poll. It’s not binding or anything.
Q: … I… I hate you.

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Q: I have an Apple portable that I’ve been having trouble with. I think it’s got that random shutdown problem I’ve been reading about.
A: Wait, wait, wait, wait. This isn’t one of those questions where your “Apple portable” is actually a Newton and the reason it’s shutting down randomly is because it’s ten years old, is it?
Q: No, this is one of those questions where it’s a product from the future and the reason it’s shutting down has something to do with aliens.
A: Ah. OK.
Q: Uh…
A: So… we’re done here.
Q: Well, I’ve got nothing else, so unless you want to talk about something…
A: Well… nah. Forget it.
Q: No. What?
A: It’s just… I mean… OK, it was a nasty pitch, but Beltran should have at least swung at it! I mean, two outs in the bottom of the ninth?! C’mon!
Q: Just let it go, man.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: Hello?
A: Uh, yes? Hello.
Q: Are you the guy who dissed Woz?
A: Uh-boy.
Q: Are you?!
A: Uh… wasn’t that… uh… no, I think that was Jason O’Grady.
Q: Oh. OK. ‘Cause I’m gonna mess him up.
A: Oooh. Hmm. Well… don’t do that… he, uh… er… Eh. He’ll be fine.

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Q: I have a Mac and I have that same heat problem that they started the class action suit over. Apple isn’t currently giving me any recourse, so how can I at least protect my lap from the blistering heat?
A: Well, you’ll want to get yourself one of the many laptop support stands, like a Podium Pad or…
Q: I tried that! It didn’t work at all! I mean, how the hell are you supposed to get a Mac Pro on those little footie things?! It’s impossible!
A: Wait, a Mac Pro?
Q: Yeah! This thing is ridiculously hot! It’s really burning my thighs!
A: Well… what the hell do you have it on your lap for?
Q: …
A: …
Q: I… don’t… really… know. I’m sorry. I’ll just… uh… I’ll just put it on the floor…?
A: The floor?! No, you idiot! A man wears his Mac Pro strapped to his back at all times! How else will anyone know about his raw computing and purchasing power?!
Q: Uh… ah! Yes! Like men!
A: Like men!
Q: Uh, yeah, the only thing is, I’ve got this lower back thing…
A: Oh, for Pete’s sake!

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Q: Hey.
A: Oh. Hey. Can I help you?
Q: Uh… you’ve probably never had someone with this problem before…
A: Oh, we get all kinds here.
Q: Oh… I doubt you’ve had this problem.
A: You’ve got an iPod shuffle stuck up your butt?
Q: Uh… well. I stand corrected. Also I stand because… I can’t sit down…
A: Mmm.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: products Apple hasn’t released!

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Q: I have an Apple iPhone and I’m having trouble synching it with iTunes. The songs I buy on iTunes get put on the iPhone, but the songs that I wirelessly download to the iPhone don’t make it on to iTunes. I’ve tried…
A: Wait, wait… you have.. an iPhone?
Q: Uh, yeah. I said that. So, anyway, I can’t get it to…
A: But Apple hasn’t released an iPhone yet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I’m calling from the future. That’s one of the features. The ability to call anyone in time. Well, anyone in time that has a phone.
A: Wow. That’s amazing. So when are you calling from?
Q: May, 2007.
A: May, 2007? Well, why don’t you just call me then?
Q: Uh, well, I really shouldn’t say. Don’t want to disrupt the time stream.
A: S-say what?!
Q: Oh… well… OK. You know that party you’re going to tomorrow night?
A: Y-yeah?
Q: Don’t eat the salmon mousse.
Q: Oooh…

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Q: I have an Apple iTablet and I’m having issues with OS X “Lite.” The “Lite” version of iPhoto isn’t able to handle all my pictures and the “Lite” version of iTunes makes my songs sound all tinny.
A: Wait, are you calling from the future?
Q: No. Why?
A: Well, it’s just that Apple hasn’t released an iTablet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I got tired of waiting for them to make one, so I made my own. It actually runs an OS based on Linux I coded myself and I cobbled the parts together. I can’t wait forever, you know.
A: Well, shouldn’t you be able to fix your problem, then?
Q: Yes, I could but that would kill the whole fantasy that it was released by Apple.
A: Mmm. You’re complicated, aren’t you.
Q: OK, if you don’t want to help me with the iTablet, how about the ultra-lite MacBook I made?
A: What’s the problem with that?
Q: Well, the real problem is it’s just a foam-core board mockup. It doesn’t do anything.
A: Uh… you’re really hoping for a response here, are you?
Q: Yeah.
A: Ookay… uh… have you tried rebooting?

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Q: I have an Apple Newton and I’m trying to get it connected to the Internet. I have the ISP info all set up, but when I go into Newt’s Cape it doesn’t find any of the sites.
A: Wait, wait, wait. We’re taking questions about products Apple’s never released. They actually sold the Newton.
Q: Oh, yeah, I know that, but mine’s a micro color Newton with 2 GB of flash memory. It’s the size of a deck of cards.
A: Wow! Where did you get that?! Did you make it?
Q: Make it?! No! I found it in the dumpster behind One Infinite Loop eight years ago! There were hundreds of them!
A: Wait, you found it eight years ago and you’re only trying to get it on the Internet now?
Q: Oh, I was Amish.
A: Uh… huh.
Q: Yeah. I’m not anymore. Although I still like the beard.
A: Oh, it… looks good on you.