Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I saw that Apple revamped its Hot Deals page and I was noticing that there are some really hot deals on that page.
A: Uh… yeah.
Q: I’m thinking I’m going to get a 17-inch iMac and one of the MacBooks. I also might get a 20-inch iMac. And MacBook Pro. And maybe a PowerBook.
A: That sounds like kind of a lot.
Q: I don’t think 47 is a lot.
A: 47? You have a problem.
Q: No I don’t. I can quit buying Macs any time I want.
A: You’re a Macaholic.
Q: No I’m not!
A: Yes you are.
Q: No!
A: You’re only fooling yourself.
Q: I… I…
A: Come on. Let it out.
Q: My mother didn’t breast feed me! I buy Macs to fill the void! Waaaah!
A: Tsk. Weird. It always gets back to breast feeding. All the big Mac buyers have breast feeding issues.


Q: I just heard that previous call and I’m calling to complain.
A: Oh. Too creepy?
Q: No! That was Todd! I’m Todd’s mother! And I just want everyone to know that I did breast feed him!
A: Uh…
Q: I breast fed the hell out of him! And this is the thanks I get?!
A: Well, uh, he…
Q: For years I’ve given and given and given for nothing! I gave up all my hopes and dreams!
A: Oh. That’s too…
Q: So, excuse me if I sneak out of the house and buy myself a couple of Macs every week to make me feel like a whole woman again!
A: Ah… huh.
Q: What’s that supposed to mean?! You think my son is a Macaholic because I am?!
A: I’m… going to hang up now.
Q: Oooh, sure[click]


Q: Hi.
A: Oh. Hi.
Q: I’m the previous caller’s husband. And the father of the first caller.
A: Oh.
Q: Yeah.
A: OK.
Q: So… it’s probably not surprising that I have a couple-of-Macs-a-day habit.
A: Not so much.
Q: Mmm. Yeah.
A: Phew.
Q: I’m also an alcoholic.
A: Oh. Of course you are.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And today, for some reason… his royal badness!

No, I don’t mean Prince.


Q: I have a whole mess of VBA code that Microsoft tells me I’m going to have to port to AppleScript. I’m on kind of a tight deadline. Kind of need it by Tuesday afternoon.
A: Uh, OK. Well, how much code are we talking about?
Q: Hmm, let’s see… take the Excel documents and add them to the Word documents… carry the one… uh, about 3800 files.
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: Well, shoot. I mean, is there something else I can do?
A: Have you considered suicide?
Q: Mmm, not gonna help. I work for Satan.
A: That would certainly explain all the VBA code.
Q: Yep. And if I kill myself I just end up right back at the same desk.
A: Man, that is one messed up HR policy.
Q: Tell you what…


Q: Oh, crappity crap crap crap.
A: Oh, I think I know what this is.
Q: Oh, shit. Oh… god. I really… oh, man, I really hosed it up this time.
A: Yep. Yep. I know. You force quit during a system update.
Q: I wish! No, this is much worse.
A: OK. OK. You deleted your home directory.
Q: No! C’mon! I mean a simple backup restore would fix that! Think big!
A: Alright. I’m just getting warmed up. Uh… does it involve flames?
Q: Not exactly, but you’re getting closer.
A: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your Mac’s been possessed by the Unholy Prince of Darkness!
Q: Uh, you overshot it a bit.
A: Oh.
Q: That would totally involve flames. But how would that even happen?
A: Oh, it happens. You have to have a familiar and, uh, then there’s a key combination where you press 6 three times and… it’s kind of complicated.


Q: I’ve been a PC user all my life but recently I’ve been reconsidering and I’d like to get a Mac. But… there’s a problem…
A: You sold your soul to Satan and you think you can’t have a Mac because it’ll reject you because you have no soul.
Q: Uh… yeah. Wow. That’s right. How’d you know that?
A: I’ve been doing this for a while. Unfortunately for you, though, you’re right. A Mac’s going to run away from you like a monkey from a jungle fire.
Q: Oh. Well, what if I collected some other people’s souls and rolled in them? Kind of masked my scent.
A: Um, no. This is a Mac we’re talking about here. It’s not a 500 Mhz Compaq running Windows 98.
Q: Well, what if it was a lot of souls? Of, like… puppies.
A: No! Frankly, I don’t even think that’s going to fool Ubuntu.
Q: Man! You know, it looked really cool in the all the brochures, but selling your soul to Satan is totally not what it’s cracked up to be!

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

This week’s Help Desk has been outsourced to cheap labor from indiscriminate countries with a loose grasp of the English language!


Q: I am being troubled with the iMac! It always shut down with improper mood and rough abandon! Why it do this?!
A: You are being hit reset button with force of knee to the groin?
Q: No! All touches to machine are like those of effeminate Estonian man!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha! Estonians!
A: They are funny!
Q: Their derision provides spastic amusement!


Q: The iPod is the playing of music, but not the display of picture of iPhoto. iTunes is of right setting with harmony of connection, but transfer is as absent as attractive woman in Slovakian beauty contest.
A: Hmm. When plug of jack, is iPod of list with icon displayed with the certainty of arms akimbo?
Q: Uh… what?
A: When plug of jack… When iPod is in position of submission to USB male parts.
Q: Oh! Dirty intercourse of white cable!
A: Yes! There is icon of metal square with nipple.
Q: Metal square with nipple?! This being iPod of the shuffle!
A: Ack! My village elders to hit me with sticks of embarrassment!


Q: Apple’s Backup app, with terrible aforefront, will refuse the conduct, much as Slovenian women refuse the sex of their foul-breathed and grotesquely bearded men.
A: For Backup of the Apple, begin the pushing with roundly button of menu.
Q: It is with roundly Slovenian woman I would like to begin the pushing!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ahhhhh… Seriously, though, once you’ve had a plump Slovenian chick you’ll never go back.
A: Oh, reaaaaallly…

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And you’ll be happy to know that this week we have a Help Desk episode for you! Uh, unfortunately, we somehow lost the middle parts in post-production. I’m not sure how that happened. We’ve got the first line and the last line, but that’s it.

Hey, that’s an improvement over the last two weeks, right?

OK, let’s see what we’ve got.


Q: I have a brand new 8-core Mac Pro and I need to do some high-end video editing. I’ve got enough horse power, of course, but I’m concerned about my storage. What’s a reasonable amount of storage for high-end video processing?
A:
Q:
A: That’s not salad dressing.


Hmm. That was an odd one. Uh… I’m not sure what was going on there.

It… uh…

Well, let’s try the next one.


Q: My iMac seems to have a problem connecting to iChat. I can get through on the same network using my MacBook, but not on the iMac. What am I doing wrong?
A:
Q:
A: Well, that’s fine for you, but what about the manatee?!


I think that had something to do with sea mammals.

Well, obviously, but I mean Mac-using sea mammals.


Q: My PowerBook has served me well for several years now, but I’m thinking it’s time to upgrade to a MacBook Pro. What are the considerations I should make?
A:
Q:
UGLUK: [glack] Ugh. Uh… me think me swallow it.


Now that one I remember! Ha-ha! Ahh…

But, uh, you kind of had to be there.

Friday Feature: Do-It Yourself Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But today’s Help Desk is Do-It-Yourself as the Crud™ has struck down the entire staff. Actually, the only reason we came into the office at all was to fill out our time cards.

So, I’ll provide the template and… well… have at it.

Don’t forget the sexual innuendo. Ugluk appearances are popular. If you get stuck you can always fall back on an Amelio reference.

Oh, and bonus points if you can work in something about big butts. Everyone likes big butts. Or references to big butts. Or… pictures of big butts, of course…

Uhhh…

I don’t feel so good.


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