Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s been a long week for us, so we’ll just take some quick questions about the hardware announced at the Macworld keynote.

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Q: The iPhone uses GSM and not CDMA, despite the fact that CDMA is clearly a better technology. Why?

A: Steve Jobs loves simplicity and GSM has one fewer letter. Although, if one of them had an “i” in front of it, he would have picked that one because he loves style above all else. Except meth. He’s addicted to the meth. Next question.

Q: Why Cingular? Cingular ran over my dog and stole my lunch money. They said it was for data services, but I was going to buy some tater tots with it. Anyway, I hate Cingular.

A: All cell service providers are evil, lying sacks of alien pus who would rather suck us bone-dry of our precious bodily fluids than make our service experience pleasant. There are no good answers here and anyone in the comments who says “I love T-Mobile!” or some shit is a lying jackass or so jacked up on meth that they’re actually dialing on a Sesame Street phone and thinking they’re gettin’ great reception when they’re talkin’ to Elmo. The real answer is that Steve probably already used Cingular and didn’t want to switch.

Q: What the hell is the deal with Cingular CEO Stan Sigman? He read his keynote speech from index cards! Index cards! And he was wearing a Cingular blazer! What the hell is this, 1968?! Who are these people?!

A: Stan Sigman is president and chief executive officer of Cingular Wireless, the nation’s leading wireless carrier. He is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operations. Stan is an avid golfer and is known to his friends as “Stan” and sometimes “Stan the man.” Stan enjoys white bread, mayonnaise and long walks in the rain with his accountant, Herb Grossman, as they discuss Stan’s return for the current fiscal year. Stan is a Pisces and is allergic to shellfish.

Q: The Appletv is teh suck. It doesn’t even do HD. And I can’t download movies from it – I have to use my PC. My PlayStation is totally better. Hell, NetFlix is better.

A: Yeah. Or you and your jackass friends could just act out the scenes ad naseum! Oh, wait, that’s right… you already do! It’s no wonder none of you ever get laid. How many chicks do you think like to watch you and Branson do that scene from Starship Troopers? Here’s a hint: zero. Besides, your entire collection is on Beta, so what the hell are you talking about? How did you even do that anyway?

Q: I have a tape-to-tape! And Beta’s a superior format!

A: Next.

Q: I have a Blue & White G3 tower. Can I use that to stream video to…

A: Oh, give it up, Gordy.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: Hey, I read your piece yesterday about how you lied to us about covering Macworld.
A: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah. That. That whole… lyin’ thing. Kinda funny, huh?
Q: No. I mean, if the Macworld reports are all fake, how can we trust you about anything?
A: Trust us? We’re a rumors site. Do you trust Apple Insider? Do you trust MacRumors? Do you trust MacOSRumors? Do you trust MacOSXRumors? Do you trust, uh… what’s the other one?
Q: MacOSXMacOSMacMacMaccityMacMacRumors.
A: Yeah, them. Do you trust them?
Q: Well, no. But you were different, man. You didn’t hide behind some pseudonym like some little girl.
A: Little girls hide behind pseudonyms?
Q: Little… evil ones. So, what is real on the site? If you’ve lied about your Macworld coverage, what can we trust you on?
A: Uh, let’s see… the legal disclaimer and the link to the store.
Q: The link to the…
A: But not actually the store itself. Uh, there are some lies in there.
Q: There are lies in the store?
A: The shirts. Don’t trust them. The mug is OK. But watch out for the button.
Q: Uh…
A: Those things’ll stab you just as soon as look at you.
Q: Is… is that just some sort of design flaw?
A: Possibly. But can you really take the chance?
Q: Well… uh… I don’t… Oh, for crying out loud, now I can’t even remember what the hell I was asking you!
A: I think it was something about the Apple phone.
Q: It was not!

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Q: I’m really confused about this whole options scandal. Can you explain it in simple language that a layman can understand?
A: Oh, I’ll do better than that. I’ll get Ugluk to explain it in language simple enough that a proto-human can understand it!
Q: Awesome!
A: Ugluk?
Q: Ur?
A: Can you explain the Apple stock options issue for us?
UGLUK: Nnn. Ahem. First there is the backdating issue. Jobs was issued 7.5 million options in 2000 with a strike price set at a date earlier than the grant date. This netted Jobs a windfall of the difference between the stock price at the strike date and the grant date. You see, if Jobs were to have sold those options, he would have collected the difference between whatever the strike price was on the options and the value of the stocks at the time. By setting the date back to when the price was lower, the company was affording Jobs compensation without a tax implication. This in itself was not illegal if properly reported. This brings us to our second issue: the accounting. This is where the illegalities would have occurred and Apple has steadfastly maintained that Jobs was unaware of the accounting implications. The options were not properly accounted for, forcing the company to restate earnings in the amount of $84 million. Furthermore the grant was not approved at a full board meeting as required by Apple’s compensation policy and the company falsely reported that it was. The company has now resolved the issue of the accounting with it’s filing of a 10-Q with the SEC and it continues to maintain that Jobs was not involved in the improper reporting.
Q: Wha… well, that didn’t help at all! I didn’t understand a word of that!
A: Ugluk, have you been reading the Wall Street Journal again?! Bad Neanderthal! Bad!
UGLUK: Rrrah! Groooonk! It not Wall Street Journal! It Financial Times! And you no want Ugluk read it then you stop leaving it in men’s room stall!

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Q: I saw last week that Linksys announced an “iPhone” and I’m really worried now that Apple won’t be announcing a phone. I’m just not sure if my life is worth living if there isn’t going to be a big announcement at Macworld.
A: Oh, c’mon. Don’t say that. I mean… you’ve got your… uh… you’ve got that…
Q: Yeah?
A: That… thing… that you do… with, uh, the… poodles?
Q: I don’t do anything with poodles.
A: Oh. I thought… oh, no, that’s Larry. OK. OK. Well, uh, you still collect beer cans, right?
Q: No. My mom recycled my collection last year.
A: What? Oh, man. You had some primo cans.
Q: I know.
A: OK. That’s OK. ‘Cause… you’ve still got… oh, no, wait, you’re not dating her anymore, are you?
Q: Mindy?
A: Maybe. Was she the one who looked like Art Buchwald in a leotard?
Q: Thanks. Man, why did everyone say that?
A: OK, but that just means that you’ve got room in your life now to meet your soul mate. You just need to get out and start dating.
Q: …
A: Oooooooooh. I’m sorry. I forgot about the… whole Segway accident and the colostomy bag.
Q: Well, that makes one of us. ‘Cause, I sure haven’t forgotten, what with the constant sloshing…
A: Well, hey, hey, hey. There’s always the Apple tablet. And the lightweight laptop. And the true video iPod! You’ve got to stay positive. Steve Jobs is gonna pull you out of this and give you a reason to go on living! I’m 100 percent sure of it, Gordy!
Q: Well… OK. I’ll keep living for another week and a half. But If there’s nothing big at Macworld I’m not waiting for some fricking late-January special event.
A: Fair enough. Boy, they sure do make it hard for a guy to know when to off himself, don’t they?
Q: You’re tellin’ me. It used to be there were two times a year they’d give you a reason to live. Now one could come at any time, but I’ll tell you, I just don’t have the patience for that.
A: I don’t blame you. Not one bit.

I wanted you all to know that the five years that I and the other staff members here have spent working on Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been really special. Your support has been overwhelming – your emails, your comments, your stopping by unannounced at 3:00 AM drunk on peppermint Schnapps – don’t think we haven’t noticed.

But as great as this has all been, it’s also been taxing. The long hours, the relentless pace of Apple rumor coverage, the all-night parties at Schiller’s house with playmates and members of the National Hockey League.

Five years is a long time.

That is why I regret to announce that I am leaving.

This is the end.

Goodbye!

…

Uh…

Good… bye!

Good…

BYE!

Dammit.

Goodbye!

What the f…

I’m sorry. I was supposed to disappear. This… damn… thing… isn’t… working.

Where the hell is that support phone number?

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A: Hello, this is Mordor Support, my name is Snaga. Can I get your name, please?
Q: Uh, John Moltz.
A: And Mr. Moltz, what product can I help you with today?
Q: Well, I bought one of your Rings of Power and it was working for a while, but I was just trying to use it to make myself invisible…
A: Mmm-hmmmm. Invisibility is standard on that model.
Q: …and nothing happened.
A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
Q: What’s “MordorCare”?
A: MordorCare is our extended warranty service program. It extends your normal year-long warranty to an eternity.
Q: Oh. OK. What’s that going to set me back?
A: Well, I will need your eternal, undying fealty to Lord Sauron.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeaaah. Also, you’ll be forced to live in a permanent twilight world, caught somewhere between living and dead.
Q: Geez. That seems like kind of a lot.
A: Mmm.
Q: But… what am I gonna do, right? Ha-ha! I need my Ring of Power!
A: So, would you like to go ahead and purchase MordorCare?
Q: Sure.
A: Great. This will just take a second.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: So, how’s the weather in… Tacoma?
Q: Oh… you know. Gray. It’s winter in the Northwest. How’s the weather where you are?
A: Black.
Q: Oh. Uh… huh.
A: OK, I’ve gone ahead and set you up for MordorCare. Now, just give me a second…
Q: OK.
A: So, I’m going to have you try resetting the Ring.
Q: OK, I did that before…
A: Let’s just give it a try and then I’ve got some other things to try.
Q: OK. OK. So, just take it off…
A: That’s right. Take it off and put it back on.
Q: OK.
A: Is it back on yet?
Q: Yes. It’s back on. Nothing. Still visible.
A: OK. We’re going to try resetting your ERAM.
Q: ERAM?
A: Evil RAM.
Q: I should have gotten that.
A: Take the Ring off and look inside it and you’ll see some characters. Those are words in the Black Speech of Mordor. Read those aloud.
Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
A: OK, now put the Ring back on again.
Q: …
A: Anything?
Q: Just me. Sitting here being not invisible.
A: Hmm. I think we’re going to have to set up an RMA.
Q: Ugh.
A: We’ll ship you a box – it’ll arrive by Nazgul Express – and what you’re going to need to do is put the Ring into the box and call for a pickup. There could be some horrible shrieking so… if you have any horses or dogs…
Q: Well, how long is the repair going to take?
A: I don’t know that, sir. It’s going to depend on what’s wrong with your Ring and the availability of parts.
Q: [sigh] It’s just that… I have this need to disappear…
A: We’ll get it back to you as soon as possible.
Q: OK. OK.
A: I’ve arranged for a Nazgul to fly straight to your home to leave the box. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Q: Uh, no. You’ve been… very helpful.
A: Well, you have a wonderful weekend and I want to thank you for buying a product from Mordor.
Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.
A: Of course. You have a great weekend.
Q: Thanks.

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Well, uh…

Looks like we’ll be back next week.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I have a Mac mini that I use as a media hub. It’s connected to my HDTV and I use it to watch movies, but I’ve been having a problem with skipping video. See, it’s fine when it’s a DVD, but when…
A: Hey, you know, I’d love to help you with this, but today’s not good for me.
Q: Oh. Uh, OK, how about Monday?
A: Mmm. No. Probably not. We’ve got the big 5th Anniversary party.
Q: Well, I’m open Tuesday.
A: Uh… Tuesday. Tuesday. Nnnnope. Got a doctor appointment and then a meeting with some Apple sources.
Q: Wednesday it is, then.
A: Nuh-uh. I’m taking my car in and then I have to stalk Schiller. I’d get Macgruder to do it but he took the last five shifts. It’s just not fair.
Q: Smooth sailing for me on Thursday.
A: Ooh. Thursday. Wow. No.
Q: Well, I’m open from now until… well… I’ve got nothing. Ever. Really. Pick a date.
A: Yeah, see, I think I just don’t want to help you.
Q: Wh-why not?
A: You just seem kind of needy. I just feel like if I helped you know, you’d just be calling me again and again.
Q: I don’t… well… I…
A: …
Q: Have you been talking to Chris Breen?
A: He… might have mentioned you. In passing.
Q: Oh, that’s just great.

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Q: I hope you can help me. I’m having terrible problems with my Zune.
A: Uh… we don’t really support the Zune. We could help you with the iPod.
Q: But I don’t have an iPod. I have a Zune. C’mon, man.
A: Hmm, well, I can’t promise anything but I’ll give it a shot. I know there were a lot of problems installing the software. Is that your problem?
Q: Installing software? No. It’s not that.
A: OK. Is it getting content? Because PlaysForSure files don’t work on the Zune.
Q: Content. Well, it’s kind of content-related. I’m trying to get my content out of my Zune.
A: Oh. You’re having a problem with squirting?
Q: Yes! Yes! Exactly! Squirting! I’m having a problem with squirting! From my Zune!
A: …
Q: …
A: [sigh]
Q: You’re… supposed to ask me if I’m using “Zune” as a euphemism for a part of my body.
A: But it’s just so obvious.
Q: Yeah. And a Zune bit now? Shouldn’t you have done this like two weeks ago?
A: There was a… scheduling snafu…

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Q: Hey, speaking of the Zune, did you hear that Microsoft put a bunch of pink Zunes in without telling people?
A: Oh, yeah, I think I did see that.
Q: I think Apple should do that!
A: But they sell a pink iPod. You can just buy one.
Q: No! I mean a pink Zune!
A: Instead of an iPod?
Q: Yeah!
A: Why would they do that?
Q: To mess with their customers! To say, “I’m the god! I control your universe! I giveth and I taketh away! Bow down before me!”
A: That would be a little weird.
Q: And then they should sneak up behind their customers and cold cock ’em! Ha-ha! Bam!
A: You have issues, Gordy.
Q: Scudda-bwam! Ha! Who’s your big daddy?!
A: Oh, man.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: You ran a poll a couple of weeks ago asking who should replace Steve Jobs, but you left out the most obvious person.
A: Really? We had Boba Fett…
Q: No! Amelio!
A: Come again?
Q: Gil Amelio! C’mon, he’s got experience and it’s a repeat of Jobs’ storybook return!
A: How’s that?
Q: Apple leader, forced out, wanders in the wilderness of the technology industry for ten years and then returns triumphant!
A: “The wilderness”? He’s a venture capitalist.
Q: I’ve even got a slogan for him. Amelio: tanned, rested and ready!
A: Wait, wasn’t that Nixon’s slogan?
Q: Maybe. So what?
A: I dunno, it’s just… Amelio?
Q: Well, it beats the hell out of Spindler.
A: Well, that’s obvious.

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Q: I bought a MacBook over the summer because I was really excited about the built-in iSight camera and the ability to video chat with my friends. But I’ve recently become concerned that Apple is watching me through it! I don’t have any direct proof, but I can’t shake this feeling!
A: These kinds of phobias are perfectly natural, but irrational. You may rest assured that Apple is not looking at you through your iSight.
Q: OK. OK. That’s a relief. I feel better now.
A: Yes. Our sources at Apple say they were looking at you through your iSight, but… well… let’s face it, what’s to see?
Q: Uh…
A: I mean, you sitting at home every Saturday night. Eating Cup Ramen, watching your Farscape DVDs and… well… applying that ointment.
Q: Hey! Farscape was a great show! And the rash won’t go away!
A: Hmm. Perhaps the rash is the physical representation of your Farscape fever and will only go away when you move on.
Q: Huh. Wow. I never thought of that. You think that’s it?
A: What? N-no. Dude, you’re wearing leather chaps. It’s the chafing.
Q: Ah, the chafing! I should have thought of that.

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Q: You may know your way around Mac, Mr. Help Desk Guy, but you don’t know the first thing about chaps.
A: Uh, well, that could be. But what’s your beef?
Q: Chafing? Chafing? Heh, maybe if you got your chaps at Target or something.
A: Well, I’m not the one wearing the chaps…
Q: What you want to do is go down to the Village and go to the chaps place on Bleecker Street. Tell them Carl sent you.
A: I don’t need any chaps. It was the guy in the last question.
Q: Get the suede ones. The real suede ones. Not that crappy Mexican suedeola. Now, that will give you chafing.
A: I’m not so much in the market for chaps. Not so much a chaps wearer.
Q: A lot of people will tell you to oil your chaps every week. Don’t. Get the spray coating. It’s cheaper and doesn’t leave a residue.
A: I should put you in touch with the previous caller.
Q: I’m wearing my chaps right now and nary a sign of chafing. Check out my bikini area.
A: No. Actually, I think it’s time for an abrupt ending. We haven’t had one of those in a while anyway.