Jobs And Gates Appear Together.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Microsoft Chief Technologist Bill Gates were interviewed together by the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher. The interview was a charming look back as both men waxed nostalgic about their long time rivalry.

Some news reports have given you truncated quotes, but Crazy Apple Rumors Site has the full transcript. Read on.

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SWISHER: Gentlemen, thank you for being here together. What do you think each has contributed to the computer industry? Steve?

JOBS: Well, I think I’ve clearly contributed more to the computer industry. I mean, they completely copied all of our…

SWISHER: No. No. Steve. I want you to tell us what you think Bill has contributed.

JOBS: Oh. Uh… well… Flood pants?

SWISHER: Uh… I think those had been around for a while.

JOBS: Oh! He made it OK for hot women to marry painfully incurable geeks who have the posture of Steven Hawking.

[General laughter as Gates blushes.]

GATES: Ha-ha! That is true.

SWISHER: Bill?

GATES: Oh, well, he… uh… he made me look like less of a jerk.

SWISHER: Hmm. Well, not exactly what I was looking for there…

MOSSBERG: Let’s talk about the Microsoft software that shipped on the Apple II. How did that come about?

GATES: The original Apple II Basic… the integer Basic… we had nothing to do with… I think that was made by elves…

JOBS: Ninjas.

GATES: Oh. OK. But then there was a floating point one and I mostly worked with Woz on that. And then there was one where you could cast integers as floating point and another one where…

JOBS: Here, let me tell this story.

GATES: Oh. OK.

JOBS: Because you have all the narrative charm of Stan Sigman.

GATES: Um… I do play squash with Stan.

JOBS: So, I’m talking to Woz and begging him for this floating point Basic and he’s sobbing and telling me it’s impossible! And I’m telling him, you can do it! I believe in you! You need to believe in yourself!

GATES: Get to the part about the size of the variables.

JOBS: And Woz looks at me with those big eyes of his and says “OK, Steve. If you believe in me!”

GATES: The size of the variables was really small!

JOBS: Woz later said it was a defining moment in his life.

MOSSBERG: Incredible.

GATES: And there was this wicked round function!

MOSSBERG: Let’s talk about Microsoft’s investment in Apple ten years ago.

GATES: I was working with Gil Amelio on setting up this investment and we had been going back and forth and then I get a call from Steve…

JOBS: Ha-ha!

GATES: And Steve says, I’ll never forget this, “I’ve got you surrounded by my army of zombies and I won’t be satisfied until you invest $150 million in Apple and agree to continue making Office!”

JOBS: Oh, that’s embarrassing now! I was strung out on mescaline and covered in chicken blood!

GATES: And it was true! I looked out the window and I was surrounded by his army of zombies. So I… heh-heh… I wrote him a check. I mean, it was only $150 million. I wrote it out of my personal checking account.

JOBS: Yeah. I should have asked for more. But I like how you managed to spin that as a victory for you.

GATES: Thank you.

SWISHER: What’s the greatest misunderstanding about your relationship?

JOBS: You know, despite all the differences of opinion and the rivalry and the tough business deals… I go back to that quote from the Beatles: You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

SWISHER: Awww….

MOSSBERG: That’s just great. Fabulous.

GATES: I’m reminded of a function I wrote once that parsed strings…

MOSSBERG: I think we’re just going to end it right there.

GATES: Oh. OK.

Jobs Interview Transcript.

Steve Jobs appeared at All Things Digital today in a highly publicized interview by Wall Street Journal technology columnist Walt Mossberg.

What many Apple observers don’t realize, however, is that Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz joined Mossberg in interviewing the mercurial Apple CEO. Here is the unedited interview.

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MOSSBERG: Steve, welcome and, once again, it’s a pleasure to speak with you.

JOBS: Thank you, Walt. And… who is…?

MOSSBERG: Uh, I’m not really sure how he got up here…

MOLTZ: You know who I am, dammit!

JOBS: Uh, I don’t think… wait a minute. Did you call me at home yesterday?

MOLTZ: I’m not at liberty to discuss that. Besides, Walt and I are asking the questions here, pretty boy. Right, Walt?

MOSSBERG: Actually, it’s just me.

MOLTZ: Whatever. Now, Steve, is it true you engineered your return to Apple by creating a zombie army using dark voodoo and that Gil Amelio was one of your undead puppets?

JOBS: No.

MOLTZ: Oh. Huh. Really? I was sure I heard that someplace.

MOSSBERG: Well. Steve, let’s talk about the iPhone.

MOLTZ: Maybe from George Ou….

MOSSBERG: Now, I’ve played with one and, if it works as I experienced it, it seems set to revolutionize how people use their phones. What’s your vision for the mobile phone experience?

MOLTZ: Wait, wait, wait. Then why was Amelio so wooden? And Stan Sigman? You can’t deny there’s a pattern of zombie-like behavior in those you’re using to further your evil, albeit user-friendly, highly well-designed and shiny, schemes.

JOBS: No zombies. Walt, the iPhone is going to set a new standard for how people interact with their data on the go. The trick is to not dilute the experience as so many of these companies have. You can’t just shrink down a computer, you have to rethink the model.

MOSSBERG: Absolutely.

MOLTZ: Steve, let’s talk about hot chicks you’d like to put the meat to.

JOBS: Uhh…

MOLTZ: I’m just gonna throw out some names. Jennifer Fricking Connelly?

JOBS: Uh, well, she’s, um, very attractive, but…

MOLTZ: So, “yes”. OK, that was an easy one. Let’s see… Yvonne Craig.

JOBS: Who?

MOLTZ: Yvonne Craig. She was Batgirl in the ’60s Batman TV show.

JOBS: Uh, well, no. I mean, she’s got to be in her late sixties by now, right?

MOLTZ: 70 and still smokin’. Plus, because she was so hot in that Batgirl outfit and she was the green chick Kirk got it on with, she gets lifetime status. OK, you got that one wrong, but that’s OK. That was a hard one. Uh… Beyoncé?

MOSSBERG: I’d hit that.

MOLTZ: This is not about you, Walt! Sheesh.

MOSSBERG: I know. I’m just saying… I’d totally hit that.

MOLTZ: Quiet, you! Steve?

JOBS: Yes. Yes. Definitely yes.

MOLTZ: OK. Great. Well, I should throw that one out because Walt had to ruin it by blurting the answer out…

JOBS: Can we move on?

MOSSBERG: Steve, some have criticized Apple for removing the word “Computer” from the name of the company. What’s your level of commitment to the Mac?

JOBS: It couldn’t be higher. In fact, WWDC is going to feature some fantastic new announcements for the Mac platform. I’d encourage anyone concerned about our level of commitment to the Mac to stay tuned.

MOLTZ: Steve, talk about your relative preference for MILFs.

JOBS: Uh…

MOSSBERG: Well, I think that’s all we have time for.

MOLTZ: What?! There’s, like, another 45 minutes.

MOSSBERG: I want to thank Apple CEO Steve Jobs and I’d like to ask security to come up here immediately.

MOLTZ: Is there some sort of gift bag?

Notes From Apple's Shareholder Meeting.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were able to slip into Apple’s shareholder meeting today by posing as baby seals and saying “We’re with Greenpeace” when asked.

Here are our notes from the meeting.

Apple declined to comment for these notes.

Other than all the commenting.

Another Blockbuster Quarter for Apple.

Apple announced another fantastic quarter today, shattering expectations for earnings and Mac sales growth.

Earnings grew by 88% and Mac sales by 36%. Further, the company reported that COO Tim Cook has grown by an astonishing 50% and is now over nine feet tall.

“Tim is just huge, said CEO Steve Jobs. “He’s scary kind of huge. He’s having trouble finding clothes that will fit him. He needs orthopedic belts. I heard he went skiing last month and had to wear oven mitts.

“Oven mitts! Ha-ha! It’s crazy! Ahhhh…

“But seriously, though, we’re a little concerned after what happened to Andre the Giant. I’m insisting he go to the doctor regularly.”

Apple also indicated that it was making several accounting changes. While it has decided to capitalize R&D costs, it said that it will change a long-standing policy and allow employees to expense their subscriptions to Cocoa and Guns and Naked Coders’ Confidential.

In related news, the Apple board announced just before the conference call that Jobs had its full support in the options probe. Oddly, shortly after the call, Jockey also announced that it “supported” Jobs, through its popular line of briefs for men.

After the call, several analysts said they could hear CFO Peter Oppenheimer lean back and light a cigarette. Before he abruptly pressed the mute button, Oppenheimer was heard to sigh “Ooh. That was good. Yeah.”

Here’s a picture of Peter Oppenheimer if you need help with a visual of him in post-conference call ecstasy.

You know… wearing nothing but a big terry cloth robe.

Eww.

Macworld Only Now Ending For Some.

Sources close to Cingular CEO Stan Sigman indicate the 62-year-old executive has just now finished his Macworld keynote speech.

Despite leaving the stage after delivering his clumsy summation of the comments already delivered by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, platitudes about how great Cingular is and veiled FU’s to other cell companies, Sigman was apparently only getting rolling. He has been continuing to deliver his speech ever since.

“We went out to lunch after the keynote,” said Apple marketing executive Stan Ng. “and he just kept shuffling through those same cards. Sitting there in Sushi Ran in that dorky Cingular blazer. It was like he was stuck in a loop.”

Indeed, several Macworld attendees say that they heard Sigman as he was ushered off the Moscone Center stage still monotonically saying “At AT&T, we respect the synergy and the effluvents with which it was founded and with Apple as a partner and AT&T, which Cingular, the greatest company ever, with Apple, the partner, and the iPhone, the great kind of products that this company, Apple, AT&T, the partners…”

Cingular sources at the company headquarters say Sigman finally wore through his cards early this afternoon.

“He just sat there, like he had no idea what to do,” said Cingular chief operating officer Ralph de la Vega. “He tried to piece the cards back together but they were just shreds.

“He looked lost for a while and then he saw a squirrel and started chasing it.”

Apple sources said that steps were being taken to more carefully vet the guest speeches to be delivered for unbelievable boredom and pointless redundancy.