Interloper Mars Apple Event.

Yesterday, CEO Steve Jobs introduced several ground-breaking new Mac products, including iMacs, iLife and iWork. The event was seamless except for one incident that stood out to many observers.

During the question and answer period, one member of the crowd asked why Apple doesn’t put “Intel Inside” stickers on its Macs.

Many have wondered who could ask such a mind-numbingly stupid question, but the answer is obvious. There is only one analyst who could be so brazenly moronic as to wonder aloud why Apple doesn’t crap up their gorgeous computers with tacky ads for fricking component manufacturers.

And that analyst is Rob Enderle.

“We’re not sure how he got in here,” said chief operating officer Tim Cook. “He certainly wasn’t invited, but I understand Enderle has a habit of wandering into a lot of events by accident. Kind of like Forrest Gump.”

Apple sources say that after Enderle was escorted from the building, he left behind a sheet of construction paper on which he had scrawled several other questions in crayon.

  • A follow-up question – if you don’t participate in “Intel Inside”, just what sort of cheezy third-party marketing do you do?
  • These so-called “Macs” you speak of… what version of Windows do they run?
  • If I set up a Mac in a corporate environment, how long would it be before it took down the whole network?
  • When are you switching to Windows?
  • I noticed you don’t take a big dump on your computers before you ship them, either. Why is that?
  • I’m sorry, I missed everything after “Satisfaction” stopped playing. Can you start over?
  • You know what’s a really cool color for computers? Beige. You should totally look into that.
  • Has anyone seen my juice box?
  • Does this look infected?

Apple apologized to everyone for the trouble and said Enderle would be driven out to the country and released on a farm somewhere where, they said, “he’d be happier because he could chase the chickens”.

Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.

After the first seven months of the year were focused on the iPhone, excited Mac fans welcomed the news that tomorrow’s announcements by Apple would return the focus to their beloved platform.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received an agenda for tomorrow’s presentation and the Mac? Not so much.

  1. Introduction. Discuss the highly successful iPhone launch.
  2. Bring out the iPhone and demo the Multitouch interface.
  3. Conduct a demo call with Phil Schiller, who’s in a straight jacket hanging from his ankles over a drunken and sexually aroused Barbara Walters.
  4. Conference in Jony Ive who tearfully reveals he’s a snackaholic.
  5. Discuss the relationship with AT&T and allow Stan Sigman… all… the time… he… wants.
  6. Bring out the iPhone again and demand that everyone present pay homage to it.
  7. Show everyone the iPhone interface again to demonstrate the iPhone’s complete dominion over them.
  8. Lead everyone in 15 minutes of cheering “iPhone! Yay, iPhone!”
  9. Conclude by releasing the hounds and having them chase the heathens from the temple.

Furthermore, according to sources, Apple will not only be discontinuing the Mac, but will be sending representatives to the home of each Mac user to deliver a kick to the groin.

Apple Delivers Quarterly Results.

In a conference call with analysts today, Apple announced results from another banner quarter in which it shipped a record number of Macs as well as posting strong sales for the iPod and the newly launched iPhone.

CFO Peter Oppenheimer and COO Tim Cook also discussed the following on the call.

  • The Apple Tablet is coming along nicely and its flash-based memory is… oh, crap, are we on now?!
  • The company sold 270,000 iPhones in the second quarter, 4 of which AT&T was able to activate.
  • The conference call was punctuated by the sound of squealing Apple executives throwing wads of cash at each other.
  • Analysts complained about a droning noise on the line, but Oppenheimer explained that it was just the sound of Stan Sigman still delivering his Macworld speech.
  • Asked repeatedly to explain the relationship between Apple’s after-tax price/earnings ratio and its cash and cash equivalents balance and how accounting changes in regards to how subscription revenue would be recognized in subsequent quarters would affect the company’s EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization), Oppenheimer had to admit he had no idea what the fuck analysts were talking about.
  • The company sold 9.8 million iPods but did admit that 7 million of those were sold to 28 individuals who have iPod addiction problems.
  • Toward the end of the call, Cook informed everyone that Clarus the dogcow had been hit by a car late last week and had to be put down.

After the call, Apple declined to comment.

iPhone Eve Special Coverage!

MOLTZ: Good evening and happy iPhone Eve everyone! We’ll have a special report from the scene of an AT&T store and some hands-on iPhone reviews! Yes, we’ve got an big night planned for you but first, I’m here in the CARS offices with Ugluk. And here with us is random Apple fan Dan Webber from Olympia.

WEBBER: Hello.

MOLTZ: Now, Dan, you’re something of an anomaly as you say you have absolutely no interest in buying an iPhone, is that right?

WEBBER: That’s right.

MOLTZ: OK, well, we’re going to be getting Dan drunk over the course of the evening and seeing how long it takes him to change his mind.

WEBBER: Well, that’s fine, but I assure you I don’t need an iPhone no matter what my state of inebriation is.

MOLTZ: Yeah, OK, well, Ugluk will start pouring the drinks while we go to Chet MacGruder who’s down at the AT&T store. Chet, can you tell me what it’s like down there?

MACGRUDER: Oh, my god! It’s horrible! They’re everywhere! They’re clawing at me and scrambling all over my body! Somebody call the police!

MOLTZ: Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen it sounds like we’ve got some sort of stampede of customers down at the Tacoma AT&T store trying to get iPhones…

MACGRUDER: No, no! I didn’t make it to the store! I’m three blocks away and I’m being attacked by wolverines! Aaaagh! Send someone to help me!

MOLTZ: What?

MACGRUDER: Help me! Their teeth are rending my flesh!

MOLTZ: How did you get attacked by wolverines? There aren’t any wolverines around here.

MACGRUDER: I don’t know! They just followed me off the bus! Aaaagh! My leg!

MOLTZ: [sigh] Howard, would you go down there and rescue Chet?

HOWARD: Well… I’m kind of in the middle of this sudoku.

MACGRUDER: Aaaaiiiiii!

MOLTZ: Eh, I’ll get him later. Let’s check in with Ugluk. How’s it going?

UGLUK: He have three crantinis and now he surfing Apple Store.

WEBBER: It doeshn’t mean anything. I’m jusht looking.

MOLTZ: Sure you are. OK, let’s go to Thor who’s in line to get his iPhone at… Thor, where are you again?

SAMPSON: Uh, I’m at home.

MOLTZ: You’re at home? But, Thor, we talked about you getting an iPhone.

SAMPSON: Oh, I have one.


SAMPSON: Steve gave me one a few weeks ago.

MOLTZ: He what?

SAMPSON: What, you didn’t think I was going to stand in line, did you? Ha-ha!


SAMPSON: Didn’t Schiller send you yours yet?

MOLTZ: Uh, no. I was going to order one online. I think. If I have enough money.

SAMPSON: Oh. Well. This is… awkward.

MOLTZ: Well, anyway, why don’t you tell us what it’s like.

SAMPSON: Oh, I would, but I’m NDA-ed.

MOLTZ: What?! But it’s out now. You can’t still be NDA-ed.

SAMPSON: Oh, no, see this is the second generation iPhone.

MOLTZ: You know, you make me so mad sometimes I don’t know why I even talk to you.

SAMPSON: Yeah. I get that a lot.

MOLTZ: Ugluk. What’s the status?

UGLUK: We now up to three crantinis, one Zima and one Mud Slide…

MOLTZ: He’s kind of big with the girl drinks.

WEBBER: Oh, yeah?! Well, wadda you know?!

UGLUK: …and iPhone now in his shopping cart!

WEBBER: I’m jusht thinkin’ ’bout it! I haven’t made up my mind! Gonna look at the shpecs.

UGLUK: He better be careful. He have One Click activated!

MOLTZ: OK! Well, we’re very close there, but let’s go to Masako who… yes! I think Masako has an iPhone. Is that right?

YAMAMOTO: That’s right. I have an iPhone and I have a screwdriver. And I’m going in.

MOLTZ: What?! No!

YAMAMOTO: Yes! I’m going to find out what makes this thing tick! I’ve got the antenna plate off! Now I’m pulling off the back plate!

MOLTZ: Stop! Somebody stop her! You’re messing with forces beyond your reckoning!

YAMAMOTO: I’m opening it up! I can see… there’s a light… a brilliant, white light… Oh! It’s… beautiful!

MOLTZ: Don’t look at it, Masako! Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes, Masako!


MOLTZ: Oooh.


MOLTZ: Ouch. Well, she’ll be OK.


MOLTZ: Hmm. Now, let’s check in one last time with Ugluk and see how it’s going.

UGLUK: He buy iPhone just after finishing Tequila Sunrise!

WEBBER: Oh, my god, that phone ish fricking incredible! I think I’m in love! That ish one shweet piece of hardware! I didn’t think I needed it but, boy, wash I wrong! Come to poppa, baby!

MOLTZ: Ha! Yeah, in two to four weeks! Well, there’s plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to set in there. That’s all the time we have tonight, but before we go, I have a special message for Apple fans everywhere. Wherever you are, whoever you’re standing in line with, we hope you’ll keep the true meaning of this holiest of nights… which, uh, I think is greed?

HOWARD: Avarice.

MOLTZ: Avarice! We hope you’ll keep the true meaning of iPhone Eve in your hearts not just on this night, but all throughout the year! This has been a very special Crazy Apple Rumors Report. Good night, everybody!

WWDC! Today! Live coverage! All nude girls!

We’re here, we’re queer (well, one of us, anyway) and we’re ready to be wowed!

Energize reality distortion field! Ou deflectors to maximum!



9:57 AM – Something weird is going on. And I don’t mean David Pogue running around in that Peter Pan outfit throwing rose petals. We’ve come to expect that.

Every. Damn. Conference.

No, it’s the Entity. He keeps flickering. On and off. I’m a little worried about him. I feel like I should get him to a doctor. But where the hell am I going to find a good particle physicist two minutes before the keynote?

10:02 AM – Lights dim! A new Mac ad! John Hodgman as Steve. “Vista’s been selling dozen of copies.” Really? Was it that many?

10:04 AM – A Schiller joke. I hate it when Apple works my side of the street. And now… Steve!

OH, MY GOD, HE’S 9 FEET TALL! How did they do that?!

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m looking at the screen.

10:10 AM – An award for Intel. And Electronic Arts is coming back to the Mac! Yeah! CCO says “Just dual boot into Windows!”

The crowd is rushing the stage! They’re ripping him to pieces! Oh, the humanity!

10:15 AM – John Carmack from Id takes the stage which is covered with blood and entrails. He’s kind of used to that, though.

They’re not bringing any games to the Mac, he just wanted to say “Hi”.


10:20 AM – Leopard features! Top secret! Eyes only! New desktop! Translucent menus! 3D dock! Stacks!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

10:21 AM – “And what I’d love to do is show it to you.”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that on the street in San Francisco.

Know what I mean?

Think you do.

10:24 AM – “Boom.” We have first “Boom”! Who had 10:24 in the pool?

10:25 AM – New Finder! New Finder! New Finder! NEW FINDER! NEW! FUCKING! FINDER!

10:27 AM – You can browse files using Coverflow. “And with file preview, we just made looking at your porn that much easier,” says Steve.

10:32 AM – You can browse your home folder via .Mac.

We’re circling a petition for Apple to hold Leopard until January under the idea that if it’s this cool because they held it for October, just think how amazing it’ll be by January!

10:33 AM – Uh, maybe that’s not such a great idea. Didn’t really think that through.

10:35 AM – Uh…

Now the Entity is showering sparks from his hood.

He’s done that before, but with the flickering thing… I dunno.

10:37 AM – Leopard is 64 bit from top to bottom.

“Except for some 16 bit parts we just can’t get rid of for sentimental reasons.”


10:41 AM – Feature number the fifth – Core Animation.

We are half way through the new features he’ll show. And if I didn’t mention this, he’s removing an article of clothing for each feature.


Yep. Half way through the features so… time to head out to the lobby for a drink and a smoke. Go to the bathroom. Maybe get some Dots.

10:46 AM – OK, we’re back! Boot Camp! Built in to Leopard.

So, if you’re filled with self-loathing, Apple’s got you covered.

10:48 AM – Spaces! (All new features must be followed by an exclamation mark as required by law.)

A new widget for movie times! OH, MY GOD!


Sorry, I’m just a little excited.

Uh, is there any reason to open Sherlock anymore? Remember when that was the app of the future? Apple’s web strategy? Yeah, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Holmes.

10:53 AM – WebClip!

Steve makes widgets out of Dilbert and National Geographic.

But YOU know what it can be used for.



Oooooh, yeah.


10:56 AM – iChat!

C’mon, Phil!

10:57 AM – Heh-heh.

Awwwww, yeah.


11:00 AM – Phil’s showing backgrounds for iChat. Funny stuff.

But, uh, Phil, next time I’d like to see you in something a little dressier. Something with a collar. Nnkay?

This isn’t hockey practice, Phil.

11:04 AM – Time Machine!

Steve is now chastising everyone for not backing up as often as they should.

Now he’s chastising everyone for not flossing enough.

We’re also not eating enough bran.

Call your mother.


11:06 AM – And that’s all 10!

Thanks for coming, everyone! Have a great afternoon!

11:09 AM – Oh, wait, he’s not done.

He just caused the entire audience to crap themselves by pretending they were rollout out a basic and premium version. Kudos to you, mercurial one!

11:10 AM – Safari. On Windows.

But Steve, we don’t use Windows. Jeez. Isn’t that obvious? I mean… it’s not me, right? It’s him.

11:15 AM – “But I do have one other thing…”

Drama queen.

11:17 AM – The Entity is now rebroadcasting some Mexican radio station.

Ooh, boy.

11:19 AM – “You can develop web apps for the iPhone!”

Thanks! No fricking duh!

Literally everyone in the audience is moving their fist up and down over their lap. Even the women.

11:22 AM – OK, at some point there has to be a hardware announcement, right?

C’mon! Johnny needs a new iMac!

11:24 AM – Hey, did little Scotty Forstall just say “Boom”?

You can’t say “Boom”! Only Steve can say “Boom”!

Steve, that bitch thinks he can use your toothbrush!

11:26 AM – Aaaaaand…

That’s it.


Oh, crap, I’d better get the Entity to JPL or something.