Testimonial.

California resident Timothy Smith has filed a lawsuit over Apple’s bricking of the iPhone, a move that lends credence to a recently published series of how-to books.

As Daring Fireball correctly noted, Smith is one of the first to purchase both of Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz’s new books, Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies.

Smith is, obviously, a highly satisfied customer and offered this testimonial.

Hmm. That’s not it. That’s a chicken.

Oh, wait, here it is.

Ah, crap, that’s not it either.

Hmm.

Oh, wait, actually that is it.

Huh. That’s weird.

Still, you can tell how satisfied he is.

That’s because he’s followed the Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and the Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies 12-step programs for releasing your inner jackass and being all the douche you can be. The programs clearly work, just look at Timothy Smith.

Well, OK, he hasn’t made any money off Apple yet. But at least the first few steps work.

So…

Read the books!

They should be on Amazon any minute now.

Seriously.

There’s obviously a market.

No Help Desk

We were totally going to do a Help Desk today, but all the questions were from jackasses who had hacked their iPhones and then bricked them with the 1.1.1 update. And I’m sick of their whiny asses bitching and moaning about how Steve Jobs broke their already busted-ass iPhones.

So, for all you morons who tried to update your jacked up iPhones that you screwed up despite Uncle Steve’s clear instructions not to fuck with them because you were messing with powers beyond mortal ken

Eat it.

You heard me. Lick my area. You’re on your own, suckers.

And I totally know how to fix them, too, so you should know that I’m just holding back this information because you’re the reason we can’t have nice things.

Oh, yes I do. I do know how to fix them. Totally.

What?

No, I said I’m not telling you. What part of “lick my area” don’t you understand?

No way.

Fuck you.

No, don’t be an idiot. You’re not going to fix it like that.

Well, that’s fine, then. Go ahead and try that, princess, and tell me how well that works. You’ll brick your iPhone even worse and you’ll never get it back.

[sigh]

OK. OK. Stop crying. Stop. Just stop it.

Fricking baby.

Look, you just hold down the home button, stick a #2 pencil in the ear phone jack, hold it up in the air and say three times “ALLA-WOZ-A-NEWTON!” And then yell “PERFORMA!”

Oh, and cut a goat right before you yell “PERFORMA!” Preferably a white one.

And then hold the power switch down and it’ll restart. And go wash your hands because… goat blood… icky.

Totally. That will totally work. I think I got it off the Ars Technica forums.

Apple Updates iPhone.

Apple released the iPhone update 1.1.1 which added several key features – most notably the iTunes WiFi Store – but also removed some hacks.

While hackers complained about Apple’s attempts to “keep them down”, some users expressed surprise at the update status messages that appear as the iPhone is updated. Users reported seeing the following messages as they attempted to jank up their iPhones with the latest Apple digital love.

Extracting software…

Preparing iPhone for software update…

Deleting that hacker shit you installed on our beautiful, pristine hardware. You know what? Each time someone jailbreaks an iPhone, Steve dies a little inside. Are you happy now? Are you?!

Updating iPhone software…

Updating iPhone firmware…

I see you have an entry in the Weather app for Trenton. Um… Trenton. Pshew. It’s just… Well, OK.

Verifying iPhone update…

Wait a minute…

“Who Let The Dogs Out”? You have “Who Let The Dogs Out”? Dude, this is an 8 GB phone. I mean, maybe on a 160 GB iPod classic, but what is this, 2000? What’s that all about?

I’m starting to be a little concerned that you don’t deserve an iPhone. No, seriously. We put a lot of effort into these things and we’re not about to see you crap them up.

Well, we should just brick this thing but we’re going to let it pass this one time…

Wha-what the hell is this?! Creed?! You have Creed on here? Oh, you’re bricked, buddy. You’re so bricked.

Other users reported trouble with the Spin Doctors and downloaded episodes of anything with Bob Saget.

Apple Conducts Loving Intervention With Misguided iPhone Owners.

Apple today conducted an overdue intervention with certain customers who have engaged in a dangerous “lifestyle” of “hacking” their iPhones.

In a lovingly worded press release that clearly comes straight from the heart, Apple stressed that iPhone hackers abusers should step back from the brink… and reevaluate their lives… before it was too late.

Apple has discovered that many of the unauthorized iPhone unlocking programs available on the Internet cause irreparable damage to the iPhone’s software, which will likely result in the modified iPhone becoming permanently inoperable when a future Apple-supplied iPhone software update is installed.

Message?

“We care.”

The only question is if the message will be received by its more ungrateful customers.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “We made this beautiful gift for you… and this is how you repay us?

“Please, think of your families. Think of how they feel when they see you jailbreaking your iPhone.

“It’s killing them! How can you be so selfish?!”

Other members of the iPhone user group community attempted to scare iPhone abusers straight.

“If you hack your iPhone,” said the Apple Phone Show‘s Scott Bourne, “you could end up with VD.

“Or in jail. Or lying in a ditch, face down in a pool of your own vomit with your pants around your ankles and…”

Bourne went on for five or ten minutes like that.

Apple insisted that the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step was, oddly, throwing your hacked iPhone out and buying a new clean one.

“It’s better to just start all over,” insisted Schiller.

MacQuarium Revised for iPhone.

The world of iPhone hacks was ripped a new one today as noted Mac writer and technology guru Andy Ihnatko has revised his well-received MacQuarium – a method of converting an all-in-one early Mac form factor into a fish tank – for the iPhone.

The iPhoneQuarium holds 10 cc of water (1/3 oz.) and can contain up to one million zooplankton, 500 brine shrimp, one flat worm, or a very irritated baby flounder.

Ihnatko has also published a companion pamphlet showing you how to use the iPhone’s SIM card slot to store one thin slice of maguro nigiri sushi.

The original MacQuarium held about two gallons of water.

“The touch screen on the iPhoneQuarium works just like a touch screen on a regular iPhone,” Ihnatko said, adjusting the brim of his hat several times. “When you touch the screen, you can ‘flick’ fish hither and fro just by tapping at the screen.

“Of course, that’s not some Core animation effect, it’s just the fish reacting to your finger. And, as everyone knows, you should never, never tap on a fish tank. No one knows why, it’s one of the great mysteries of life. I think maybe it voids the warranty on the fish or something.”

The iPhoneQuarium is portable, allowing one to view the tank’s denizens at will, as long as “you’re a sadistic bastard who thinks it’s funny to carry around living organisms, keeping them in the dark, constantly agitating them while you walk, and displaying them to others for your pleasure,” Ihnatko said. “It just depends how you roll.”

While the conversion requires a hardware hack involving disassembling the iPhone, Ihnatko said he’s working on a software-only implementation.

“I have no idea how I’m going to do that!” Ihnatko said. “I’m really looking forward to it.”