Category: iPhone

Steve Gives Of Himself To Thankless Apple Customers.

Speaking from the technological mount today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that everyone who bought an iPhone at the original price and is not getting a rebate will get a $100 Apple Store credit.

Jobs was humble, contrite and attempted to explain the rationale behind Apple’s pricing decisions. Moreover, according to sources close to the Apple founder, Jobs is paying the roughly $80,000,000 out of his own pocket.

“I just feel terrible,” Jobs said. “I feel like I let our customers down and nothing hurts me more. I hope this makes it up to everyone. I hope this hasn’t done anything to harm our relationship because that would just devastate me.

“So, please, please accept my most sincere apologies.”

Despite Jobs’ heartfelt message, however, Apple customers were their usual childish selves.

“$100?!” said iPhone early adopter Scott Givens. “That’s bullshit! Steve Jobs owes me a pony! And cake! And… and a whole lot of money for emotional damages!”

Givens churlish sentiment was echoed by other iPhone-owning jackasses.

“Whaaaaaa!!!” wailed Craig Fults, stomping his feet and pounding his hands on his legs.

“Steve hurt my feewings! He need give me Mac Pro!”

Or some shit. Frankly, we weren’t really paying attention because this crap is so pathetic and annoying.

Hearing the negative and selfish reaction from Apple customers, Jobs lowered his head, held his arms out… and wept.

Hotz-Mania Sweeps the Globe.

Just days after announcing that he had successfully hacked an iPhone so that it can be used on a service other than AT&T’s, New Jersey resident George Hotz has already become a media darling and his star continues to rise.

Already having appeared on CNBC last week, Hotz has a busy week ahead of him:

  1. Monday: Dinner at the White House (alone, strangely, as president Bush isn’t there).
  2. Tuesday: Will unlock an iPhone LIVE! on Good Morning America wearing goggles and a white lab coat, assisted by the New York Giants cheerleaders. Diane Sawyer will inexplicably refer to him as “Professor Hotz”.
  3. Wednesday: Stan Sigman will be brought before him, prostrate and pleading for his life. Hotz, however, is unmerciful, and kills the whimpering Sigman with his bare hands, mounting his corpse on the white picket fence outside his house as a warning to other long-winded cellular providers.
  4. Thursday: Will sign a three-movie deal with Miramax for “iUnlocked It! – the George Hotz story”.
  5. Friday: Hot chicks everywhere will declare that they’ve “got the hots for Hotz!”
  6. Saturday: Hotz flies to England to be knighted by the Queen. There is an uncomfortable silence when the Queen says “We also have the hots for Hotz! Yes. Quite.”
  7. Sunday: On the seventh day, Hotz – creator of the unlocked iPhone – will rest.

Asked what the big deal is about a dude with a soldering iron and an open social calendar, Apple Phone Show host Scott Bourne said “He hacked an iPhone, dude! Oh, my god! You can use it with a T-Mobile account now! Don’t you see?! This changes everything! He is our new master! All hail George Hotz!”

Bourne then admitted he really had no idea what the hell the big deal was, either.

Apple Delivers iPhone Update 1.0.2.

[Please note that this post is late because the site was down last night due to robot attack. As you would expect, we will use this as an excuse to get out of posting for a day. While this may seem lame, we do actually have to clean up all the robot parts and reload.]

Apple has released the latest iPhone update which comes with scant information about what it supposedly fixes or enhances.

As the update has been installed and put into use, it has become apparent that at least one of its purposes is to put an end to iPhone hacking.

Twitterrific creator Craig Hockenberry – attempting to create a mobile version of the application for the iPhone – was the first to notice some strange behavior.

“I had just finished installing my latest build of mobile Twitterrific,” Hockenberry said, “and I heard this high-pitched shrieking. “Noooooo! It buuuuurns!’ Scared the holy fucking shit out of me.”

According to several sources, the iPhone 1.0.2 update has added a series of “alerts” that are triggered whenever offending software (read: non-Apple software) is installed on an iPhone, a practice Apple warned against.

“The iPhone is an enduring work of beauty,” said Apple senior vice president of software engineering Bertrand Serlet. “Such as a symphony or a Renoir. It shouldn’t be crapped up with your little knick-knacky tacky dime-store amateur hour doohickies. Only we are capable of making software fine enough for the iPhone.

“But, uh, we value our developers! Just not on the iPhone.”

Hockenberry said that despite the screaming from both his iPhone and Apple, he intended to forge ahead.

“You get used to it after a while,” he shrugged.

[Please also note that this piece originally had Mr. Hockenberry saying “bejeezus” instead of “holy fucking shit” but was changed after he suggested we review our notes again. The management regrets but does not admit to the error.]

Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.

After the first seven months of the year were focused on the iPhone, excited Mac fans welcomed the news that tomorrow’s announcements by Apple would return the focus to their beloved platform.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received an agenda for tomorrow’s presentation and the Mac? Not so much.

  1. Introduction. Discuss the highly successful iPhone launch.
  2. Bring out the iPhone and demo the Multitouch interface.
  3. Conduct a demo call with Phil Schiller, who’s in a straight jacket hanging from his ankles over a drunken and sexually aroused Barbara Walters.
  4. Conference in Jony Ive who tearfully reveals he’s a snackaholic.
  5. Discuss the relationship with AT&T and allow Stan Sigman… all… the time… he… wants.
  6. Bring out the iPhone again and demand that everyone present pay homage to it.
  7. Show everyone the iPhone interface again to demonstrate the iPhone’s complete dominion over them.
  8. Lead everyone in 15 minutes of cheering “iPhone! Yay, iPhone!”
  9. Conclude by releasing the hounds and having them chase the heathens from the temple.

Furthermore, according to sources, Apple will not only be discontinuing the Mac, but will be sending representatives to the home of each Mac user to deliver a kick to the groin.

Another iPhone Battery Lawsuit Filed.

While the iPhone’s battery is likely to last long enough that few will ever find need to replace it, a third-party vendor has filled the small gap in Apple’s product offering by announcing an iPhone battery replacement kit. While most iPhone owners welcomed the move, at least one was not so pleased.

According to sources, the kit’s Hong Kong manufacturer, Brando, was immediately sued by Jose Trujillo, the instigator of a class-action lawsuit over the iPhone’s non-user-replaceable battery.

“Brando has recklessly and irreparably damaged my client’s case against Apple,” said Trujillo’s attorney, Laura Kremer.

“We can’t very well walk into a court of law and ask for millions in compensation for the pain and suffering caused by Apple’s non-user-replaceable iPhone battery when the defense can have our case immediately thrown out by just holding up one of Brando’s reasonably priced iPhone battery replacement kits.

“I mean, duh.”

To that end, Trujillo is seeking an injunction on the sale of Brando’s kit as well as $75 million in damages.

“While we don’t know exactly how much we would have won from Apple,” Kremer said, “We picked $75 million because it just felt right.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, citing its long-standing policy of not commenting on lawsuits filed by jackasses.